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Not entirely sure what I should put up here but...


"Magister Mundi Sum!"

"We are here on earth to fart around. Don't let anyone tell you diffferent."
-Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

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Best answers to questions:

» World's Sickest Joke

Heard from my father, the font of all knowledge.
Three guys are wandering in the desert. They're tired, thirsty, and on the verge of keeling over.

Suddenly they see a house. No, it's not a mirage... it's REAL! A REAL HOUSE! IN THE DESERT! WOW!

The first guy knocks on the door, and is horrified to see the oldest, most decrepit woman on the planet. He tenatively asks for some water.

"Sure, if you'll do me."

He vomits and runs away, trying to throttle his brain to keep away the mental images. He tells his companions about it in sickening detail.

"She can't be THAT bad," goes the second guy. He drags himself up to the door and asks for some water.

She gives him a laviscious smile and says that she will give him a hundred gallons, but only if he'd lay her.

He faints dead away and is dragged off by one of his mates.

"Well, sure, I'll take you up on that offer," the third man says, preparing for the worst. She nods and leads him inside.

"Here," she says as they enter the kitchen. "On the table."

She lies down and lifts her skirt, revealing the most maggot-infested minge the man had ever seen. It was wrinkled, bloated, and pimply, with strange, greenish-brown goo flowing from it. She closes her eyes and smiles as he leans over her.

He has no options. He's got to fuck her, otherwise he and the others will die in the worst way possible.

He turns away as he begins to take it out, when suddenly he sees two ears of corn on the counter. He grabs one and fucks her with it, then throws it out the window before she can open her eyes.

"My god," the woman says. "That was the best fuck EVER. Do it again."

"Close your eyes," he whispers. She complies, and he does the deed with the second ear of corn, which goes out the window as soon as possible.

She's writhing with multipule orgasms. Going NUTS. Finally, she gasps:

"There's a Jeep in the backyard, with lots of water bottles in the back, as well as a map in the glove compartment. Thank you so very much."

He goes out the back door, only to find his two friends.

"I got the water."

"Hey, cool. But we just had the best buttered corn EVER."

Needless to say, I was about ten when Daddy dearest told me this. I repeated it for my friends. Unfortunately, my homeroom teacher was also listening in. I got a slap across the face and a week's detention.

Mom wasn't too thrilled when I told it to her, either.
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 23:21, More)

» Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way?

Hoooooo BOY!
I was dumped by my first boyfriend because he'd slept with my best friend, who was drunk at the time.

Might not sound very spectacular, but we were all around twelve at the time.

Hooray for rednecks.
(Thu 17th Jun 2004, 17:47, More)

» Stupid Tourists

This makes me very worried about the state of my nation...
Let me say one thing first: The Poconos is "the place to go" for EVERYONE on the northern East Coast of America. Everyone comes here- why, I'm not sure(it's just TREES for god's sake), but it has the odd power of drawing the most... er... colourful people out by where I live. We get a lot of tourists, and they generally just clog up traffic and get vaguely lost. But there have been a few memorable moments...

Like this one guy. A New York City driver (lost as hell, but still going too damn fast on little local roads) was in front of me not a month ago as I made my way home from a particularly good grad party.

Like I said, this guy is going fast. Not just any kind of fast, but Too Damn Fast. And this is the woods, so there's nothing to stop him as he zooms his way around our quaint little country highways, right?


He hits a deer, which then flies back OVER his car and hits mine. Okay, I say, I'll pull over and asses the damage. He does the same.

He gets out of his car and starts stomping towards me.

Uh-oh, I think. He was big. Very Very Big. And scary. And visibly furious. And he was coming my way.

Not wanting to provoke him too much, I roll down my window as he reaches me. He leans in, this godawful crazed look in his eyes. He looks me square in the eye, and in the most nasal Brooklyn accent I have ever heard, goes:

"You wanna bunch of money? We could have a lawsuit! The government should keep their damn animals penned up!"

And I live in the same country as this idiot... good god. Fucking American tourists. *headsmack*
(Sat 9th Jul 2005, 6:18, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Tickets to Star Wars: Episode II
*cries quietly to self*
(Thu 9th Jun 2005, 17:50, More)

» Walkman Flashbacks

There are quite a few...
Enya's Memory Of Trees (the entire album, not just the song), as well as Sting's Ten Summoner's Tales bring back fond memories of a certain summer- I was twelve years old, living at my father's dump of a house, and subsiding on microwave burritos, grape soda, and White Castle burgers. Every time I hear them, I can taste the lucious beef and beanyness and see the Riven screencaps... I played that game for months with little sleep.

God, that was an awesome summer. *glee*
(Thu 24th Mar 2005, 22:48, More)
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