Advancements in Impala technology

had made the hunter hunted
(Wed 23rd Aug 2006, 20:28, More)

God goes sight seeing...


and that.. as they say, is that... evening all!
(Wed 15th Feb 2006, 21:36, More)

Ze Serengeti can be zo dangerouz...

edit: I concede. TA MUCHLY!
(Wed 11th Aug 2004, 20:58, More)

Proof that God hates children


Here's more proof!
(Fri 27th Feb 2004, 23:54, More)

Donner...

A deer for progress...

for berlinvirus

edit: My first FP... YAY!!!!!!
(Thu 30th Oct 2003, 23:32, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

alrighty then
How do you stop a black kid from bouncing on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 18:07, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

LAST ONE from me
This guy is walking alone near the pier when he spots a girl, with no arms and no legs, sitting in her wheelchair crying.

Curious, he walks up to her. "What's the matter?" he says. The girl looks up at him and says "I'm almost 25 and I've never been on a date." Feeling sorry for her, he decides to ask her out. SHe says yes and they go out and have a pretty good time.

The next week he is walking alone near the pier again and he sees the woman, again crying near the edge of the pier. "What's wrong now?" he says to her. "I'm almost 25 and I've never been kissed." she replies back. He thinks "well, she's not too bad looking... I'll give her a kiss." So he does so and this makes her happy.

The NEXT week our philanthropist is again walking out near the pier when he sees the woman AGAIN crying in her wheelchair.. near the edge of the pier. With a heavy heart, he walks up to her. "What's wroung NOW?" Through her tears she says "Well, I'm almost 25 and I've never been fucked." So the man grabs her wheelchair by the handles and pushes her off the edge of the pier and says "NOW you're fucked!"
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 18:35, More)

» Terrible Parenting

The. Worst. Christmas. Ever.
My parents divorced before I could even remember for one reason or another, and as all children can attest to, I remember very little from before I was about 6. This isn't irrelevant, because my earliest memories are NOT of living with my mom, as I had done from birth to 5, but rather of living with my sister and father... and his new wife and their daughter. There is a REASON I haven't talked to the man in years...

All I wanted for Christmas was a Battlestar Galactica toy. Getting my father to get me ANYTHING throughout his life has been like pulling teeth. To this day I feel as though he wouldn't give me a red cent. I honestly don't know why.. but I digress.. Poppa!!!! This Christmas, however, my father was feeling generous and I kind of knew what I was getting from Santa... the coveted Battlestar toy! I couldn't WAIT for Christmas day... SO EXCITED!!!!

I must first explain that I was a small, sickly child. When I was in 6th grade I could barely reach the drinking fountains. The ones that as an adult I can now use as a step. So at 7, you can imagine my size and general health level. We ate something weird for Christmas Eve dinner; as we always did because my stepmother was from Hawaii where they eat like pigs intestines and taro root paste... yuck. I ate it though, then went to bed; very excited about the morning to come.

Around 5am, however, my stomach decided that it was not to be. I woke up with a pretty full tummy and the feeling of needing to fart, at least. I did... but it wasn't gas. No no, far from it. A torrent of poo came out of my bum at a rate and speed that I, as a 7 year old, was unable to deal with it. So I did what any child would do... I went to my "parents". I remember crying a bit and walking down the hall with poo running down my leg, which I'm SURE made a mess. But I was 7. I didn't know about these things.

Now to get to the terrible parenting part. I knock on my parent's door, but there's no reply. I call out "daddy?"... no response. After a while it didn't hurt anymore, so I went back to bed. Around 7, my step mother wakes up and I hear "Oh my God, what the HELL is this?" probably referring to my shit trail from one room to the other. Commotion, questions.. I must have blocked this part out, because the NEXT thing I remember is my father holding me forcibly under the faucet, practically drowning me with my step mother behind him yelling at me. "What a mess! Evverything is ruined!". There were bruises, and I literally remember nothing but the rush of very hot water over my eyes.

The punishment, as I was to find out, wasn't over. Far from it. After we were all cleaned up, and I helped to clean the floor and my bed, it was present opening time. I went straight for what was the right size to be the coveted Battlestar Galactica toy ship with REAL LAUNCHING VIPER PATROL SHIPS.

I open it...

YE, it's what I wanted!!! YES! YES! YES! It's okay that you were mean to me this morning, daddy! I got what I wanted! Yay!

This lasted approximately an hour, for the entire time I was opening things and having Christmas morning, my stepmother was griping about the mess.. and me. She was telling my father that I should be punished somehow, for I don't even know what.

That's when this bad thing happened that made a not so good Christmas morning into a HORRIBLE one. He called me over, I had my toy in my hand. He yelled at me for a bit, the asked for the toy.

Then he broke it in half, told me to throw it away, and have a Merry Christmas.

Fuck you too, dad.
(Fri 17th Aug 2007, 22:49, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

Now it's time for the dirtiest story here...
(I can't believe I'm sharing this)

SO... cue back to 2000, just after my break-up with the ex Mrs. I was lonely, randy as all get out and a bit curious. Here's what happened and the sordid tale of the most dirty night of my life.

It started out innocently enough, I was just looking online out of curiousity sake and I came across a "swingers" party that was taking place that very evening in a local neighborhood. So I called.. yes, yes I did.. and I made an apointment. Single Gents were to bring a bottle of wine and $80.

Did I go?? Unfortunately.. YES. When time came to go I debated and debated until saying "fuck all" and went. It was an interesting few hours to say the least. BUT, the tale doesn't end there.. no...

It doesn't end there at all.

After doing my thing a few times with various ladies, I had not managed to complete by the end of the evening (around 1am). Apparently I wasn't the ONLY frustrated guy there so this one man co-ordinated a few of us together (quite the rag-tag group, I assure you) and boasted that he knew of a woman who would be up to this sort of thing (for a price) and that he would arrange it, if we wanted to go along...

I did...

AND paid an additional $160 for what was actually pretty good. I shall never do it again, and I have been tested for everything under the sun... LUCKILY I am clean. WORST part though was being stranded by the fellow who organized the outing. At 7 in the morning, I took the train back to my car (50 miles away).

/super scoopzilla whore rampage.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 20:49, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

Yeah.. so...
It's not really the same thing, but once when I was 13 my sister stole my money that I was to use to go to Disneyland with friends. She did right in front of me, stuffed it down the front of her pants and then tried to convince me that I was crazy and had just lost it.

My sister's a cunt with a Capital C.
(Mon 26th Jun 2006, 19:25, More)