» The Onosecond

a very big isp..
...that my friend works at had a rather funny event a few years back. 2 people who worked there were well-known to be having a rather 'fruity' relationship, with maybe a bit of action in her office being on the cards at times.....

The lady was a manager and mass mailed round some general restructing info, and how people should contact her for some things not others now.

Her lover replied with 'Excellent. Do I still come to you for biscuits and blowjobs?'. What a lovely message - so lovely in fact that his fingers felt inclined to click 'reply to all' and sent it around the entire office, which included over 100 support staff.

Excellent.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 15:11, More)

» Shame

Rather young
When I was rather young, I finally discovered the magic art of self snake charming, with such enjoyment that I believed it to be such a great taboo that it was OBVIOUSLY detectable by my parents that I'd been doing it. I therefore decided that OBVIOUSLY my mother who emptied the bin in my bedroom would notice the used tissues (despite the fact that it was always fill up anyway due to bad sinuses) and would notice if I went to the loo in the night to flush them (yeah, 'cos that's weird, right?), so devised many methods, including hiding them somewhere till the morning and quickly flushing them come daylight.

That became dangerous as I would reguarly forget and find them many days later, and worry that one day my mother might find out my horrific secret!

I eventually opted for.... throwing them out the window, hoping the wind would carry them. Problem is, I had a rather large garden stretching out from both windows, and to make matters worse, they were fenced quite highly. So... the tissues never went far. My mum would reguarly walk the dog early in the morning, and I thought I was doing fine, till about a month on...


"Finest, can you PLEASE stop throwing tissues out of your window every night?"

The shame.
(Mon 28th Nov 2005, 15:17, More)

» The Onosecond

First proper girlfriend
Came over to mine, I split up with her. She sat outside my parent's house on step crying her eyes out, whilst I say in my room, feeling released. I MEANT to text a mate, but ended up texting her "glad that's over now, thank god. i feel so much better now."

Ahem.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 13:25, More)

» When I met the parents

I have no good stories...
...really, I don't. But a mate of mine had a great short event....

He went out on the first night out with his new girlfriend (who turned into a relationship of 4 years) for a nice gig, but ended up drinking a bit too much, and ended up trhowing up in his shoe and in numerous other places. She got him into a taxi, but he had to get out and throw up, at which point the taxi driver refused to let them back in the car, rather far from home...

Cue a very drunk bloke with his not so drunk girlfriend, being dragged miles home, and arriving at his parents (where he was living at the time) throwing up, covered in sick and very drunk, with a girl on his arm who they'd never met before.

Excellent...
(Thu 19th May 2005, 13:43, More)

» Scary Neighbours

such a relevant question
I live in the first floor flat. The only nice one in the 5-flat victorian terrace. The rest are a bit crap and attract weirdos.

Needless to say, in the basement there is a WIERD couple. Two blokes, american. One is geeky and scrawny with glasses, one looks like some mexican, short, george micheal. Every weekend, due to their patio being 2 stories down below my bedroom window, I get woken up at 7.30am by 'GM' having a screaming match at 'skinny fuck' about something. Once he was boasting about how his 'product' was 'natural' and 'real' and not 'for the masses' like 'nivea'. He then shuts his cat outside which miaows for THREE FUCKING HOURS.

Then when I set the fire alarm off (woks are great!) I got the skinny bloke coming and glaring at me whilst I reset the alarm

"is there a PROBLEM?"
"yeah.. cooking... smoke.. blah... "
"IS THERE A PROBLEM?"
"um... I was cooking?"
*glares at me*
"I WAS COOKING FOOD. IT SET OFF THE ALARM"
*glares*
"COOKING. I WAS COOKING"
*sighs and walks off*

And then moving a LOT of stuff into my flat (note: I've lived there 8 months more than these wierdos).... 'GM' comes out and raises his arms and screams ....

"IS THERE A PROBLEM?!"
"um. I don't believe so"
"IT SOUNDS LIKE A STAMPEDE OF ELEPHANTS" (I should have pointed out to him that the floor would not sustain an elephant's weight)
"well, I'm moving stuff"
"ITS BEEN LIKE THIS ALL WEEK, i HAVE A SICK NEPHEW DOWNSTAIRS"
"ok. well, I haven't been here all week, so it's not me. And I'm moving stuff, so it's going to be."
*sighs and stomps off*

And recently they wake me up at 7.30 AM EVERY talking out on their patio. Without fucking FAIL. They carry the weirdest shit into that flat. And never clean the patio and it looks disgusting. And they left rubbish in the public foyer. And they're cunts. And I hate them.

That is all.
(Thu 25th Aug 2005, 15:52, More)