» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

I didn't recognise you... You've got your knickers on
I'm a midwife. We go into your houses. We know if the baby was planned, we know when it was conceived and often if the dad is who everyone thinks it is. We see every manner of naked women; the 'having your hand up someone's chuff' element is the least interesting bit- it's when you find out that the baby couldn't possibly have been conceived when the father thinks it was, or any manner of other things- it's amazing what a sleep deprived man will tell you while his other half is changing baby's nappy. It's like a truth drug. Yes, we know you've had a go at breastfeeding, and the rest...

As for people having sex on the postnatal ward- yes it does happen. Patients mostly.

Amazingly nothing anyone has ever told me has shocked me or disgusted me, or made me judge them. I must be the most liberal person ever...
(Fri 28th Sep 2007, 20:38, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Baby
Not much scares me. Even in my job (midwife). Scaredest I think I've ever been:

Newly qualified, in clinic, routine examination, all well, go to listen in to the baby's heartbeat and it is fine- adn then plummets to 60bpm (about half what it should be). We call an ambulance. It is 5pm, week before Christmas in South London. The ambulance had trouble a) getting to us and b) finding the clinic. At the time I just felt like my stomach had dropped out, and I was shaking uncontrollably all evening. Result of case- neenaw into hosptial and crash caesarean section, baby needed full resuscitation, total fluke we'd heard the fetal distress.

If anyone saw the episode of Bodies on BBC where you hear the baby die on the monitor, THAT was what it sounded like. Births and stuff like that are dead scary for the parents etc but the only time I really worry is when I am scared cos then you know it's really tits up. Usually you can reassure people- it's a lot harder to do that when you are cacking yourself, I can tell you.
(Fri 23rd Feb 2007, 18:40, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

It was raining
I have not paid for sex but does bartering count? (People who know me will easily identify me by this story but I think it is a good example of how Girls Who Won't Give Blow Jobs make the lives of those who do a lot easier)

Went out on a Friday night when I was at uni. Had 9am rehearsal on Saturday (music student). Woke up on Saturday AM, still pissed at then boyf's house. It was pissing down. Car at uni from night before. SO I said would he give me a lift... he said only if I did the aforementioned.

It was only as I was swallowing that he said he would have taken me to uni anyway.

AND because I was still pissed I told my mates what I'd had to do to be there on time (when one of them was late). So now I often get asked if I want a lift.

But to be fair I was going out with the guy, I wouldn't just do it for anyone.
(Mon 23rd Jan 2006, 20:28, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Yes, I accept charity
The nicest thing anyone has ever done for me has got to be pretty much everything my friend Catherine has ever done for me. When I was training to be a midwife I met Catherine- we were in different years but same hospital and we were pretty much instant friends. I didn't really have any other friends in the town and I spent so much time round at hers with her and her family. She and her then-husband gave me a job at their restaurant and many lovely evenings and weekends, dinners and even a couple of trips away. She lent me the money for my flat deposit when money was tight.

Then I was reassessed for my student loan and bursary and awarded a whole £1400 for a YEAR. That and I was diagnosed with ME so couldn't work on top of my course. I was ill, depressed, away from home, struggling to stay afloat with uni and placement and could not even afford to drop out of uni as I was too poor to defer! And the contract on the house I was in ran out on 8th August; a month and a half before my course finished. I was penniless, in a hell of a lot of debt and now homeless.

Catherine insisted I stay with her and her family, rent and board free. In return I helped out with the kids and generally was an extra pair of hands but it wasn't enough and I don't think I will ever be able to convey how grateful I am for all that she did for me during a spectacularly poor time of my life, given that she effectively saved my career.

Thank you, Catherine- and you know you can ask for anything, any time. One day I'll find something big enough that I feel I've paid you back!
(Fri 3rd Oct 2008, 17:07, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

I am not a lesbian
Worked in my mate's restaurant... michelin star, no less.

Mate is married to the head chef who decides to tell all his underlings that me and his wife are having a lesbian affair... I rolled my eyes a bit at this but then joined in (not actually having an affair with my married best mate) but it was funny winding up the 17 year old commis chef, though.

One day the head chef had the commis on his own and he'd pre-warned me to walk in just as he said 'you'll never guess what I walked in on...' so I walk in and go 'I told you not to say anything!' and our commis couldn't look his bosses in the eyes for days, even resorting to falling in the freezer to get out of a conversation with my mate!

And they never did dispel the myth. So there are a few people out there who still believe me and my friend are 'more than just friends...'
(Wed 26th Jul 2006, 21:14, More)