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» Near Death Experiences

How do you scare a plane load of people?
Tell them the fuckin' engine has just blown up!
For my ninth birthday(bout 8 yrs ago if my maths is right), my mother took us all out to see my father, who was away on a business trip on some exotic island (ok, not so much a business trip, but he's in the RAF, and spent the best part of 6 months drinking shitloads of beer and snorkelling with sharks).
Excellent 2 weeks, spend loads of time with daddy, get a tan, but the shitty part of having to leave him returns.
So we are on the plane, im sobbing my heart out, face pressed against the window hoping to see him- even when the plane was taking off: cue near death experience
At the ironically named "point of no return", the engine im sitting directly behind (i always get window seats near the wing) decides to explode into a mass of flames and sparks- while im still looking out the window!
I turn to my mum, and say a bit more loudly than intended "Fucking hell! SHIT,MUM THE PLANE'S ON FIRE" ; cue lots of havoc, trolly dollys running around crying and what does mum do? Pulls the shutter down and says "go to sleep, it will be over soon".

I don't think she was trying to be ironic

*found out a month later that some rare bird got stuck in the engine, we had too much fuel on the plane, and we had 3 options after take off: turn left or right and fly into volcanic mountains, go into the sea and get eaten by great whites (in breeding season :)) or fly up

Maybe i'm invincible :-)
(Thu 25th Nov 2004, 16:55, More)

» Petty Sabotage

hope this goes to plan...
just to inform you all, i have sabotaged possibly the most important night of this year for my school....

i found some (well, got given!) incriminating photo's of our head girl (in the buff, posing for the camera), whom the the teachers are all under the pretence that she is an angel- wrong, she is a psycho bitch from hell who needs her vocal cords ripped out, followed by crucifixion. Any way, after several weeks of blackmailing me into going to this important do and generally making my life hell, i decided to exact my revenge:

500 yearbooks have come into my school, and come 8 o clock on saturday night, when former students are nostalgicaly (is that a word?) looking through photo's of their youth, the head girl's 'money shots' will be proudly displayed to all and sundry!

a few people are in on this, and those darling mates of mine helped me add the 'extra pages', and i have asked for pics of her reaction, as i will be in the next county, giving my boyfriend a thorough good seeing to.

i make me chuckle, even though im going to hell :)
(Wed 11th May 2005, 19:11, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Wonderful wonderful codeine
Just had my tonsils out, and instead of normal painkillers, nurses sent me home with a bumper pack of codeine tabs....now, i've heard these are illegal in some countries, and so they should be.

I, stupidly, thought that the pain i was experiencing could be inversely proportional to the amount of tabs i was cosuming- basically,i thought the more tablets i took, the less pain i would have.
And to a degree, i wasn't wrong; i had no pain thresh hold!

"Yay!" i thought "Go out, get hammered, have fun, no pain!"...how wrong i was.

Did the drink, did the fun, started wandering home from the bar with a mate, and decide to sit on a wall for a rest-just then, i get a weird head rush, and go arse over tit off the wall, straight into a pile of glass. Glass all in my arm and hand, and im more concerned about where my phone was. I then tried to pick the glass out with my fingers, so my other hand gets cut to ribbons. Cue trip to A+E, and before i even get into the hospital, i puke and headbutt the sliding doors into the place (still no pain). Explained, very matter of factly, what had happened to the triage nurse, and then slept.

Next morning, wake up in my mates room, where he explains what happened the night before, but finds it really feckin funny tht after all that, i started crying when the nurse tried to inject me with aneasthetic before pulling out the glass.
N.B. and the headache the morning after really hurt...cue more codeine!
(Thu 15th Dec 2005, 14:16, More)

» My Worst Date

Nice eyeshadow, seen that somewhere before...
Happened a while ago, but the "what the hell" factor still remains.

Started a new job, after much persuasion from best mate. The job was crap and the wage blew goats, but i needed the money, so i stayed. Only to unwittingly become a victim of the self appointed company match maker who set me up with a guy called ...actually, lets just refer to him as R. Being on the rebound, and seriously fed up, i threw my caution to the wind and went on a date with R. Fair enough, i will admit, in his work uniform, he was bloody gorgeous, but fuck me, was i in for a suprise.
R turned up, much to my suprise, but what shocked me further was his outfit- brown cowboy boots, black leather trousers (so tight they were obscene) and a shirt identical to what my grandmother had bought previously, ruffles and lace.
And full make up.
Needless to say, things fizzled out within about an hour. Mainly cos i was flirting with a guy at the bar (who is now my current boyfriend).
Next day at work, R is giving me an evil glare, possibly trying to curse me, and match maker flounces in, certain she has done something good. Couldnt be more wrong, and i tell her the only thing that me and R have in common is the fact that we wear the same colour and brand of eyeshadow.

My god that woman was a twunt.
(Mon 25th Oct 2004, 15:53, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

accident prone- very
Yes, im accident prone, and done some very silly things indeed:
*when i was in my skatebording phase, kicked tail too hard and it ricocheted off a wall and broke my nose- i can still fold my nose across my face (disgusting but a brilliant party trick!)
*in a fighting competion at my karate club, managed to get a bruised tit and fractured shin bone; after being punched in said boob, i decided to retaliate by kicking the bloke in the knackers, but managed to hit his pubic bone with my shin very, very hard (i won the fight)- and we both ended up in A&E.
*in a teenage tantrum, i attempted to slam my window shut, but sliced half my thumb off; not as painful as it sounds, maybe cos i fainted in shock.

My brother is a regular at the hospital, so he is on first name terms with the nurses; something his mates are jealous of.
-he has fallen into a shed and impaled himself on gardening tools (a rake?!)
-bitten on the face by a dog (to be fair on the dog, he did pull its tail)
-run over his own leg doing a backflip on his bike (don't ask, defied all laws of physics and gravity some how)
-dislocated his shoulder running into a door frame, attempting to run away after kicking me in the head.

sorry for length, but i am so bored and feeling nostalgic...

and about due for another visit to the hospital
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 15:08, More)
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