» Pure Ignorance

At the airport customs desk in Houston, Texas two years ago
The gun-carrying customs officer is looking through my bags and asks me the usual questions, one of which is:

"Do you have any food with you?"

"Well, I have some chocolate in my backpack, but that's it." says I.

"What's that? You mean you've got candy?"

"Yeah, some chocolate."

"So, candy?"

"...yes."
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 13:01, More)

» My Worst Date

Not that I'm still bitter or anything...
Breaking my board cherry. Woo.


This was many moons ago at a Sonic Youth gig. Something I had been looking forward to for a very, very long time. Me, my respective other and our friends got lost in the crowd rather frequently for brief times after going to the toilet or bar, but we found each other again relatively easily. At one point, I lose the girlfriend, but don't think it's any big deal since she would be back soon. Her absense turns into ten minutes, then twenty, then the gig is over and it's going-home time. Still no girlfriend. As it would turn out, she met some other guy at the bar and proceeded to hang around with him the rest of the evening before buggering off back to his flat. I get dumped shortly thereafter for "not having enough similar interests". Apparently, if I was a cheating manipulative whore, we would have got on great. Adding insult to injury, I met them at another gig about a year later where I was regaled with the story of how they met as though this was news to me.


I paid for the ticket too. It was not cheap. It irks me to this day.
(Sun 24th Oct 2004, 23:48, More)

» Insults

I used to think I was Oscar fucking Wilde.
When I was in my final year of high school, our yearbook committee wanted me to do caricatures and illustrations for the publication. Pretty normal stuff... some teachers, some students, etc... but the high ups in the school staff didn't want me to do anything that might make the school look bad. In other words, nothing satirical or passing negative comment on others.

I wasn't especially pleased by this, since I figured it was my chance to poke fun at all the feckless little bastards and chavy types who bothered and offended the intelligentsia of the school on a daily basis. Charged with righteous indignation and disdain for "the man", I produced a poster in the style of one of those evolution of man diagrams, but in reverse, with the sort of capped moron prominent at my school at the end following the chimpanzee. I then put it in the bottom corridor as a means of protest and social commentary.

In the three hours it took for a member of staff to spot it and take it down (I'm surprised it even took that long) the following conversation took place between periods by those it offended and myself in graffiti-form.


"Your a pure poof. SUCK MA DICK, YAAAAAAS!!!!"


Me: "Does it affirm your masculinity and heterosexuality to ask another man to suck you off? You must be incredibly comfortable in your sexuality"


"WHIT ARE YOU ABOUT? THIS IS PURE GAY"


Me: "Well I'm sure you're the expert on that. What with your trend for asking anonymous men to blow you."


"FUCK YOU!!!!! (crude phallic imagery drawn on the bodies of all my characters)"


Me: "I think we've established that won't ever happen."



I don't know if my new friend wrote anything else, since I never saw the poster again after that. The staff couldn't pin it on me since I hadn't signed it, but my art teacher was a little colder to me after that point, presumably since it had been passed around the staff room in an effort to lay blame as well as (I presume) cartooning not being a legitimate art form in his opinion.



I didn't apologise for length then, so why now?
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 18:25, More)

» Essential Items

I'm a 22 year old male
and I've had a tampon in my backpack for about 13 months "in case of an emergency". There used to be two in there. There was an emergency.

I also carry expired student discount cards for high street shops if I ever have to open doors Sam Fisher style.
(Fri 28th Oct 2005, 1:36, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

I worked for a popular Scottish "indie" coffeehouse. You might call it a veritable scene of beans
Despite my best efforts to improve the standards in there, those who know me can testify I'm a fucking freak when it comes to cleanliness, nothing ever improved. Understandably then, my services were no longer required once I became audibly disgusted with everything about the place.

Anyway, some of the ways our organisation made your dining experience more enjoyable:

Provided no training whatsoever in any form of drink or food preparation to new staff, you're expected to just dive in and intrinsically know how everything is done. This leads to undercooked, or just plain wrong orders being made all he time.

Toilets routinely backed up of which there was only one on a weekly basis. Solution? Febreeze and hope the problem goes away. Piss would often enter into the kitchen in such a manner that you wouldn't see it until it was way too late, hiding behind the stacked juice cartons and coke cans, which weren't thrown away because they were predominantly wrapped in plastic.

One other shop in the same area had to close because they found an entire colony of rats underneath. We only had an electric sex party of flies in the kitchen.

If pastries and what not landed on the kitchen floor, just dust 'em off and stick them back in the cabinet. Same goes for cheese, but not meat for some reason because that would be gross.

The place was so understaffed that if someone got sick, you usually still had to come in. It wasn't uncommon to see someone wiping their flooding nose with their hand before immediately going back to fixing up that day's batch of tuna melts. I had a really bad stomach flu last Christmas to the point where even turning over in bed would make me throw up (which I blame on them), this didn't go down well with my employers but they eventually conceded I might be genuinely sick so they let me stay off.

Two of the gay guys used to shag all the time in the kid's play area when they would close up together. I got in trouble for kissing my girlfriend in the shop by the more senior of those two. He was a total dick... I could probably write a few thousand words on just how fucking retarded he was.

We had to pimp downloadable music to EVERYONE who came in, regardless of the age of the customer or how busy we were. I used to feel like total shit when I was being watched to make sure I had to grill some 80 year old gran who just wanted a black coffee and scone about why she wasn't interested in downloading the music she heard in store to her ipod.

All the furniture was on sale. And not in the sense that you can buy couches LIKE the ones in the shop, no, you could buy the shit, semen and coffee stained worn out leather crap 700 people parked their arses on every day.


There's probably more, but I think you get the picture.



My cock's fucking huge.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 21:39, More)