» * PFFT *

Well
Although I am of the lady variety, I will admit to some of my more shameful and amusing gastric disturbances.

1. The scene: last September. I had an almighty case of food poisoning (which I got from work, and nearly got fired for -- a different story, needless to say I no longer work there). It was the third or fourth day in bed, meaning I could finally drink water and eat crackers. I was just waking up, with my boyfriend sleeping next to me. Felt a fart coming on and, as the boy was still sleeping, decided to just let it rip.
Which I promptly regretted.
Cue my mad dash to the toilet, and then wandering back to my bedroom stark-naked. I had not only shat myself, but as it was the liquid variety thanks to the fact that I hadn't been eating, it had leaked through my underwear and onto the bed. Then through the sheets, onto the mattress.
"How the hell am I supposed to get the sheets off with him on them?" I wondered. I put a towel under the sheet, and another on top. Which woke him up.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Um. I'm sick. Don't ask." He got up and left the room. I stripped off the sheets, and pulled out some cleaner. Cue me cleaning the mattress when he comes back.
"What in God's name are you doing now."
"I told you. I'm sick."
"What? Why... oh sweet Christ almighty."
"Just go away."
And then he nearly pissed himself laughing. I nearly died of embarrassment, then called all of my friends to tell them. THEN I nearly pissed myself laughing.

2. Sometime later. Alone this time. Lying in bed, needed to fart. Did. See above, only with no running commentary.

This is why I'm now the captain of the Crapped the Bed Club. There are far more members than there should be. I'm thinking of making badges.
(Tue 17th Jul 2007, 19:15, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Several
This makes me feel terrible for being human:

What's the better than fucking a 6-year-old girl?
a. Flipping them around and pretending she's a 6-year-old boy
b. Slicking her hair back and pretending she's a 6-year-old boy

What's better than fucking a 6-year-old boy?
NOTHING.

What's the worst part about fucking a 6-year-old boy?
Getting the blood out of my clownsuit.

How do you make a 6-year-old cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

What's the best part about fucking an infant?
Hearing the pelvis crack. (this one made me wince)

What do you get when you stab a 5-year-old?
An erection.

And, to end on a happier note:

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a spare tire?
I don't have a spare tire sitting in my trunk.
Variation thereof: What's the difference between a cadillac and a dead hooker?
I don't have a cadillac sitting in my garage.

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
a. You don't cry when you're cutting up the hooker.
b. An onion doesn't scream when you peel it away, layer by layer.

Apologies for length.
(Mon 13th Sep 2004, 4:52, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Stomach-churning
I can no longer eat rhubarb after a terrible incident involving rhubarb pie while visiting my grandmother when I was about 10. She'd made some, I loved it, and ate a little too much. No problem, normally. But apparently, rhubarb can sour in your stomach. Cue me vomiting all over the bathroom -- the floor, the sink, the toilet (after awhile), and the door (which impressed me a little).
Had a similar experience with fried chicken. I was too young to remember, but I still can't eat it.
I'm also allergic to tree nuts and if I eat a single, say, pecan, I'll go into shock and die. Consequently, I read alot of food labels, which isn't such a bad thing.
(Thu 15th Jul 2004, 2:08, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

A long time ago in a land far, far away...
..from most of the folk on B3ta, at least.

My sister, her friend and I were driving down a rural road one day to get to a nearby town so they could visit a friend of hers. Sis bought her very first car a few months prior, and got her drivers license shortly before that. She would have been around sixteen at the time; I would have been around twelve.
Very cloudy, gray day. We're driving along a two-land road surrounded by corn fields when something -- we weren't able to discern what, exactly -- jumped in front of us. Sis ran right over it. We heard the bones crunch and I looked behind to watch it flop over on its side.
Then get run over by a truck.
"What the hell was that?" came shortly after Friend whimpered "Do we stop?"
It was rather pulpy by the time we drove back, and so couldn't figure out exactly what it had been.
We've never spoken about it since.

I've seen blood and entrails strewn across highways (seen bits dragged for miles), parts of dead deer, opossums, raccoons, cats, dogs, cows... name it, chances are I've seen it. But that's the only one that's really disturbed me.

Anyone who has lived here -- here being Iowa -- for any length of time very quickly gets desensitized to this sort of thing. My mom was even cracking jokes about the very dead, very bloated farm cat on the side of the road. "So... all those gases in there... does it just explode, or do you think it pokes a little hole in it and just shoots it across the highway?"
"I don't think that's how it works, Mom."
"I know, but it'd be funny."

I'll make an (most like safe) assumption here, and assume most folks don't know where Iowa is. So: Get a map of the U.S. Try to find the exact middle. It's near that.
(Wed 27th Jun 2007, 7:47, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

I have a few
When I was a kid, my family would go to the zoo every year. The giraffes were the best, since they only had a tiny fence and you could get up really really close! It was like having a pet! Yaaay! One year -- I was four or five years old at the time -- there we were, staring at the giraffes. Huge animals. They also take massive wees. So, there's one giraffe, happily pissing away while another giraffe comes up and starts drinking, ah, straight from the faucet.
Of course, being four or five, I nearly weed myself laughing with the rest of my siblings, while our mother ushered us away. I suppose all four of us pointing at them, howling with laughter and screaming "HE'S DRINKING THE OTHER ONE'S PEE!" embarrassed her somewhat.
Didn't know that water sports existed in the animal world.
Of course, there was also the obligatory drunk-driving video we had to watch in high school at least three times. All it really showed was the aftermath of car accidents and the mangled bodies therein. A couple autopsy shots. Lovely stuff for fifteen-year-olds.
The best story I have in this regard? A few months ago, I was walking down the street. La-la-la-la! Nice day. Sun was shining, birds were chirping. Cut through the park. La-la-la! Saw what at first I thought was a teenage boy wearing a halter top and skirt panhandling, and slowly realized that... no, it's a teenage girl. A few poorly done home-made tattoos on her arm (well, are any of those well done?). I stared on in amazement as she picked a sizable scab off her shoulder. And ate it.
I ran off. I nearly vomited.
Obligatory penis joke, remark on losing B3ta cherry, etc.
(Tue 26th Jun 2007, 0:30, More)