b3ta.com user I_AM_MY_EVIL_TWIN_SELF
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» Worst Nicknames Ever

Shitty Shelley
a friend of a friend called Shelley was at a party when this guy she really fancied started chatting her up. before this point she had been seriously considering calling it a night as she wasn't feeling too great and had been having the runs pretty badly, but she had been after this guy for years, so she stayed and one thing led to another until they were on their way upstairs together. They found an empty bedroom and got going - as they were having sex her poor tortured gut decided to let go and warm liquid shit flowed out all over the place, but it wasn't until the smell reached the nostrils of her beau that he noticed anything was wrong - apparently at that point, noticing he was covered in feces, he ran for it - literally! She was quickly discovered by confused partygoers but to give the girl credit, she freely introduced herself as shitty shelley for a good number of years after.
(Thu 18th May 2006, 16:14, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

not so much embarassing as horrific...
and not even my injury, but when we were kids we were messing around in the playground swining really high and then jumping off at the highest point of the arc of the swing. They were those old fashioned plastic swings and one of the boys was swinging really high and jumped off and then went all white and wobbly and fell over and there was this thing hanging from the swing...
unbeknownst to us the swing he was on had a crack in it and as he was pushing it so hard, the crack had opened and one of his testicles (still inside his swimming trunks) had slipped into the crack. When he jumped off the transfer of weight mean the crack snapped shut and although he left the swing one of his testicles didn't.
(Fri 3rd Sep 2004, 11:25, More)

» Airport Stories

Passport Control humour?
When I was a student I lived in the South of France for 9 months as part of my degree. Although all I really did was get drunk and work off hangovers sitting in sunny pavement cafes I retained my English pallor.

On the way back to Blighty for the final time I was queuing quietly to go through passport control when I noticed the man in front of me giving me funny looks.
Thinking nothing much of it I just ignored him, until I noticed that when he went to passport control he spoke intently to the man in the booth and they both started to give me funny looks. At this point I started to become a little concerned.

When I arrived at the passport control booth I gave the guard my sweetest smile - he remained entirely stony faced and proceeded to ask me a number of questions about when I arrived in France, how long I had been here and what had I been doing.

Now I *knew* all my paperwork was in order (and I won't even begin to describe the kafkaesque nightmare I had to go through to get it that way) but when at the end of these questions he said that he could not possibly let me leave the country my jaw hit the floor and all I could think to say was "why?" (in french, obviously!)

At which point he explained that I was too pale and what would people think if I left after 9 months with no suntan? I had hideous visions of being forced to lie in the sun until I began to look like one of the leathery permatanned denizens, but thankfully he accepted my explanation that English skin just doesn't tan and let me on the plane. bastard.
(Tue 7th Mar 2006, 14:58, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Cucumber is the most disgusting substance in the known universe!

Slimy, crunchy, vomit inducing, salad contaminating hideousness!

The worst worst thing about it is that people put it in *everything* that is even vaguely salad-related!

If you complain about it people come out with this whole 'oh but it's 90% water, it doesn't really taste of anything' bullshit - it tastes of utter foulness and it's the 10% of pure unadulterated evilness that I object to!

and no - you cannot just pick it out if you don't like it - cucumber makes everything else taste like cucumber, anything it has been in contact with is hopelessly contaminated by it.

honestly - it's enough to make me want to move to France where they hardly use it in salads at all...
(Wed 14th Jul 2004, 15:47, More)

» Strange things you've been paid to do

paid for doing not much
I was once paid by the French government to be a language assistant - the thing is at that time all the teachers were on strike on and off for the whole of the six months I was employed so instead of teaching 6 hours a week I taught a total of 3 hours in six months, but still got paid as if I had done 6 hours a week, so essentially I was paid for loafing about and drinking coffee in the sunshine - nice eh!
(Fri 1st Oct 2004, 16:55, More)
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