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» Best Graffiti Ever

Rubbing Mary's Minge....
When I started at my current job a few years ago in a "Charlie Chalks Brewers Fayre Pub. There were some toilets that were constantly overflowing when flushed. So we decided to put an "Out Of Order" sign on the toilets. This done we left red marker pen and paper in the toilet.

Some little children (who I knew and congratulated after the event)ignored said out of order sign and found said red pen. They then set about completely destroying the play area with naughty pictures.

On the slide there was a great big, red phallus going the length of the slide. Mary the Hover fairy had miraculously grown a minge through her pink pants complete with jam rag and pubes. Charlie Chalk had a mahoosive red cock. And several other characters were smoking cannabis cigarettes.
Robbie my then manager was tasked to cleaning the play zone. To which after half an hour he came out, frustrated complaining "I've been rubbing Mary's minge for half an hour and I can't get the fucking thing off." To which I wittily replied "I feel sorry for your missus then"

They also draw a spurting cock on the toilet door.

Length? The slide was 12 foot long. As was the cock adorning it.
(Sat 5th May 2007, 14:57, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

This is a 4 day march covering 30 miles each day. Well I was in a civilian team at the time. But we were good friends with a military team, namely the rock apes (RAF Regiment) anyway, this gay was getting such bad chafing from his boxers that by the third day his bollocks were red raw. He took great pride in showing us as well. That is an experience I would never like to re live. But on the last day he decided to lube himself up so up he gets in the morning, petroleum jelly out in front of the camp making a good name for the RAF. Puts his trousers on, gets on with it. Unfortunately this didn't stop the chafing and it was getting pretty bad and about a mile before the finish line the guy is in agony but being a trooper he carries on. By the time they got to the line the front of his trousers were red with blood. This worrying him he pulled his kecks down and the chafing had ripped his scrotum. He grabbed it and this forced his bollock to pop out and fall to about 4 inches above his knee. One guy passed out others just gawped in pure mental pain. Poor guy was rushed off to hospital. Having since joined up I still see the guy and he insists on showing stitches every time I see him.

Apologies for length? You aint seen nothing yet!
(Sun 16th Jul 2006, 10:57, More)

» Customers from Hell

Call Centre Woes
Whilst working in a call centre I've spoken to some right cunts, to name but a few:
Called up and insisted that I insure her 17 year old daughter on our 7 day drive away policy after the other 3 people she had spoken to said no, and also refund her for the time she had been on hold all those times. I said nay, your daughter would have to be the owner and keeper of the car before we were able to insure her. She kicked up a fuss and was insistent that we were conning her into taking an insurance policy, which we wasn’t, we just wanted you to fuck off. If she had listened to the recorded messages and also to the advisors that told her the insurance would only cover the owner and their spouse. But no, we were still conning. At this point I went to get my manager, who listened back to the call back she had been told at the beginning and end of the call yet when asked if she was happy with this she confirmed in the affirmative., So our attitude was, well fuck her and left her to sort her own shit out.
Then was the "gentleman" who yet again believed we were conning him, I informed him that he was more than welcome to get his own insurance on his new Mundaneo (oops gave the company away) yet he didn't want to do this and insisted that we still go ahead and do this. once I gave him the price he laughed and said "well that was pointless". So I asked if he wanted the reference number (the garage asks for this in order to match up paper work, why the fuck they can't use registration numbers fuck only knows. I guess car dealers are thick as shit [I’m sure there are some clever ones but the ones I have come across in my job makes me didn't fill me with confidence]) Anyway, he didn't have a pen and didn't want to type the number into his mobile phone so I said "well it will be on your paperwork anyway" to which he swore at me an hung up. Now, This was the biggest mistake ever, as I hadn't yet closed the file on the computer so could still fuck him up. I went back into the quote, I changed his reg number to "AR53 OLE" on the paper work, didn't bother sending it either. I was going to leave it at that but then I thought, no fuck it he was that rude to me so I closed the file on the computer. Then did a copy of his old file, making the old one inaccessible. Then closed the new one without any details in it. Basically he would have got to the garage to up his brand new wank-mobile. To be asked for proof of insurance on the vehicle. (They didn't have to get insurance though us they could just carry their old insurance over onto the new vehicle from their old one) He wouldn’t have had this so the car wouldn’t have been taxed, so he would have had to call us up on one of our busiest days (sometimes we had over 120 people queuing to talk to us, today was one of these days) only to be told he had to waste another 10 minutes because his other file appeared to be corrupt. Yes, it did make me feel both big and clever.
Now its not all bad, I have some lovely customers, but these are about the customers from hell, when there is a nice customers one I will regale you about how lovely some human beings are etc etc.
Then there was the paedophile who called to get his seven days, part of the general insurance questions are “Have you, or any named drivers have or had any criminal convictions, spent or unspent”
This guy started laughing and I asked him why it was funny, he then had to move to another room and tell me that he has been convicted of producing and distributing child pornography” Which I find violently sick and he finds funny. To which I reply “We don’t insure nonces” and hung up on him. I still have his address if anyone wants it.
Now a few general tips when calling call centres:
We understand you are angry, we understand why you would be so. You don't need to shout at us, it makes us less inclined to help you out, in fact, it will make us flat out refuse to speak to you.

If you hear the line go totally silent like and you can’t even hear that call centre din you can usually hear in the back ground, we have our fingers over the voice tube of the headset and are swearing about you to the people around us cause you are being a) a complete and utter cunt and need to vent b) you’re a retard who shouldn’t be allowed to drive a car or c) you sound funny and we want to give our mates a laugh. Yea we could put you on hold while we do this however, if you are on hold and we talk about you we are still recorded.

If we put you on hold for more than about 15 minutes hang up, we don’t want to talk to you anymore.

Anyone who even dare utter the line “I pay your wages” Will be met with the line “You don’t pay me enough to speak to people like you” and promptly hear the phone go dead

But before anyone starts “you’re what is wrong with call centres” you can all fuck right off, if you are pleasant and courteous I will be more than happy to help you. Yesterday I gave up my lunch to help a lady who's son had forgot to cancel his breakdown cover on his van when he went out to Iraq, but it had come out of her account. I got her a refund for the full amount with no calcelation fee.

There are more but will post later if I get time

P.S. To any call centre managers reading, if your advisor has told a customer we won’t give them a refund, then they ask to speak to you, Do not fucking undermine us and give them the refund anyway. They forgot to cancel their insurance they are at fault. Don’t make me look like a dick and expect me to want to his your wankpottery targets, it ain’t going to happen. Cunstab
(Wed 10th Sep 2008, 15:28, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

BBQs on the roof
It was summer this year (one of the only warm days). During the day we had cleaned out an old paddilig pool, found a BBQ, got some people together. When the pub shut and everything had been cashed up we all headed up onto the flat roof. All was well until more people turned up and we ran out of seating. No problem. Mark and I jumped from the roof. And being a pub we had picnic benches in the beer garden. We upended this bench and pushed it up whereupon Stu grabbed hold and we scarped from under it in case he dropped it. Then we got a Stella umbrella to add to the effect of the whole night.
Time was getting on and we were getting hungry. So out comes the BBQ. Lit the touch paper thing at the top. It burnt out. So not to be deterred (and not to mention slightly worse for wear) I jumped into the kings (cleaning store) room from the roof in the hunt for flammable shit. I stumbled upon a bag of coal and a jerry can full of petrol for the lawn mower. Threw both up onto the roof, climbed up a drain pipe. Emptied bag of coal into BBQ doused in petrol. Mark comes up with a lighter and sparks it up.
Flame shoots up, gives mark a shock, lads laugh, his missus is terrified that hes hurt, as it happened he only singed his eyebrows which only made it more funny.
All goes well, we all eat all the stock we can half inch from the work kitchen. Some people go home but there is Stu, Ash and I left with half a jerry can of petrol.
Lads being lads started putting pint glasses onto the BBQ ad FLMAE grilling steaks and burgers.
After that got tiresome Stu tried to set his hand alight unsuccessfully. So up walks me grabs petrol can douses my hand in it, I hand the petrol can to Ash, give Stu the go ahead to light it. However Ash who was filming all of this took the can off me and just put it straight down. Cue my hand dripping in flames igniting the jerry can still half full of petrol. Me thinking fast with a flaming hand which was just beginning to smart a little grabbed this jerry can, ran about 40 meters with it and heaved it into the pool. All to the amusement of the other lads. The pool didn't put it out, because Oil floats on water. So the pool sides melt spewing flaming water, petrol and flames all over the roof of the building. Setting fire to Stu's net curtain (we had no door to the roof, only windows which were open) And then setting the fire alarm off. I'm laughing so much its starting to hurt. There is Stu and Ash trying to put the fire out. When the Assistant Manager comes out and asks about his Jerry can, whilst the pub is still alight.
We eventually got the flames (how I don't know, fucking miracle) out and all was well and I fucked off home sharpish. Surprised the place didn't burn down.

Should have got FIRED (sorry) for that one.

Length? His eyebrows have grown a lot since then!
(Sat 11th Aug 2007, 18:11, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Old People
An old lady is sitting in an old persons home looking out the window when an old man walks up to her and says "I know we can no longer take pleasure is sexual activities but could you come to the park with me and hold my penis?" Seeing no harm in this she agrees and it becomes a regular occourance. The same bench, the same day of the week. untill one day the old lady goes to their regualr spot and he isn't there. Slightly upset about this she goes looking for him. She gginds him sitting on a bench with another woman holding his penis!
Distraught by this she goes up to him and shouts "What does she have that I don't?! He looks up smiling and says "Parkinsons".
(Thu 9th Feb 2006, 19:35, More)
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