» Fire!

Blue Blazer Club
So there I was, propping the bar up on my 19th birthday when along came a friend of mine, a Royal Marine as it happens. Seeing as how it was a special day, he decides to induct me as an honourary member into the Royal Marines' very own Blue Blazer Club.

What's that, you ask?

Well, one takes a capful of Sambuca and lights it. One earns their Blue Blazer by downing the capful of Sambuca without extinguising the small, but hot, flame. Success allows the flaming-capful drinker to be amongst supposedly august company.

Notice how I keep saying capful?

Seeing as the liqueur was on an optic, there was no cap to be found. "Never mind", I say feeling rather full of the dutch kind of courage, "Fill a glass with the stuff and we'll use that!"

I should have known it was a bad idea when my Royal Marine friend, who had seen live action in the Falklands and was therefore officially 'Hard', cowed in fear and passed the flaming glass to me. The glass was a large sherry one and the flame was about 6 inches high.

Snatching the glass up I tossed it back, only to somehow miss my not inconsiderable mouth and pour the flaming alcohol all over my face, which unwittingly obliged this anecdote by catching fire. Fortunately, my friend was alongside me and used his hands to put the flames out. Unfortunately, in his panic, he seemed to forget that 1) he was the Royal Marine's heavyweight boxing champion and 2) by hands, I mean fists.

So after punching me very hard in the face several times, the flames were finally out. "Blimey", say I, "that was close. Good job all that beer earlier is acting as an anaesthetic. Shall we forget the Blue Blazer Club and have another round?" Heroic old me had several more beers before returning home, only to be rushed to hospital with quite serious, but thankfully only superficial, burns to the face!

Sambuca - christing bollocks, more like!
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 16:53, More)

» Singing the wrong words

M.A.R.R.S.
Mum: "Ooo that's catchy! - Pump up the Valium, Pump up the Valium!"

If only we had...
(Thu 27th Jan 2005, 12:09, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Driving blind...
So there we were. Three of us good mates in the car after a rollicking good night out, mashed up on some lovely, smooth-as-Samantha-Janus's-bumhole weed. Mark was driving, I was in the passanger seat and Gary is in the back.

"I know", shouts Gary as we get onto a long, straight road with crossroads every 200 yards, "try driving with your eyes covered!" and proceeds to cover Mark's eyes with his hands. Mark gets into the spirit of things by speeding up to about 60mph. "Yay!", we thought, "what japing good fun!"

After about 1 mile of this and much laughter from all three, Mark, for no discernible reason, starts to freak out and slams on the brakes, bringing the car to a standstill just as a Renault 5 cruises along from the right through the crossroad we had just reached. Had we not stopped we would have hit that car full broadside at 60mph.

Sobered us up, I can tell you.

AFL and all that.
(Thu 25th Nov 2004, 17:10, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

Ooh! And another few...
When I moan to my wife that all there is to do when you go out these days is watch rubbish action movies at the cinema (too loud anyway) rather than something with a nice story, or go to bars and drink alcopops and listen to loud, repetitive music...

Or when I constantly bemoan the spelling and grammar of youg people these days. I find myself nodding vigorously when some old-duffer MP says kids need discipline and the occasional good thrashing...

Or laughing at the in-jokes on Woman's Hour on Radio 4 (and I'm a chap!!)...

Or calling men 'chaps' instead of blokes / mates / geezers what-have-you...

Or lecturing the 13 year olds hanging around outside my local off-licence when they ask if I can buy them some cigarettes or alcohol...

Dear God. I have become my Father :(
(Thu 28th Oct 2004, 13:59, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

teenager knowing no better...
Many years ago, sprinting along various London roads doing on-the-run half-inching of beggars' hats & tins that were sitting unproitected on the ground and spending the resultant riches (as much as 20 english squids for a few hundred yards running) at McDonalds and in Tower Records. Result!!

Hell? Room for one, please...
(Mon 11th Oct 2004, 16:33, More)