» Blood

well errm blood obviously
A very long time ago when I was at university in the sunny shitty of Scarborough, me and a friend randomly blundered to another friends house. Whilst lounging around there we were offered a new kind of alcoholic beverage. It was called Irish Meadow and was basically a poor mans Baileys. Finishing off the bottle I decided it was almost the best thing ever and proceded to search for it at the supermarket. Every supermarket has it in some form or another - its usually about 4 or 5 quid and looks like baileys.

Anyway enough backstory, let the blood flow...
A few years later, I was working in a different supermarket in a different part of the country, My parents had gone away for a week and left me in charge of the house with specific instructions not to have anyone over. Now being the rebellious soul I am I had pre arranged that very same friend to come up to visit from Scarborough. After drinking many beer we take a trip to the shops for more. Both of us having a fondness for cheap baileys flavour drink we got a few bottles - The bottle from ASDA is called Irish Knights (the lettering looks a bit like fenceposts so we call it fencepost...)

Crossing the school field casually drinking this 15% drink like it was cola, we finish our bottles at the end of the corner of the field and decide to smash them on the concrete fencepost (a fitting end ay) anyway - A skilled bash from me shatters the bottle neatly leaving me with a pretty dangerous looking shanker. My friend does the same but hes a little bit more drunk and careless then me and he cuts his thumb open. Cue the blood.

Anyway its pretty bad, not an artery or anything but it just wont stop flowing - and we have nothing to slow the blood. Still I dont live far and we only have a fence to climbover .

Once over the fence we are making our way down a back street and some local chavscum notice us from quite a distance and come to 'borrow some money' or something. Anyway - only one of then runs to catch us and he stops to have a little chat, then noticed the blood pouring from my friends thumb, where on he backs off saying sorry and legs it to his mate.

Minutes later we are at my house at the kitchin sink washing the wound. It was about this time that my friend waved his thumb - still bleeding in my face. Being sufficiently drunk by this time I take the opposite action and instead of reeling away i take my shirt off and have my friend write 'arab' on my chest. You might be wondering why that word, well It was part of a long running joke that always amused our circle of friends but no-one else got it untill they heard it 100 times. The joke for that record was this ' "So anyway, There was this arab" Anyway the bleeding didnt stop and I got painted with more blood.

Now the pair of us, me covered in blood and him nursing his still bleeding thumb went to my friends house. His parents were also away somewhere and we wanted to 'show off'

Immediatly panicking a bit my friend brought us in and told us to clean up. Which we did, managing to splash blood around in the process.
While we were doing this my other friend ( the guy that lived there ) called an abulance for us mainly to get us to leave and we were in no fit state for much.

Now I've never been tremendously concious the last few times I have been in an ambulance and I was gonna enjoy it this time there was nothing wrong with me. The nice ambulance lady let me take a beer with me on the trip so I could have it in the waiting room.

Anyways at the hospital while my friend is having his thumb bandaged - a security guard caught me with it and took it off me - just as I finished (yay - i dont need to find a bin) we were dischaged shortly after that and left to go home and sleep it off. However we had no moneys and were a good 4 hours walk home. So we set off towards the town in high spirits causing trouble.

Wheee 1st post, sorry if I waffled on a bit there and for the spelling mistakes I know I made.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 15:00, More)

» Pubs

Hooray for pubs !
Being fond of the naughty falling down water I like to spend numerous evenings in the pub, where there are a few crazies...

All Have been given nicknames because I really don’t wanna know them.

Mr Tweed – Some 6’4” skinny guy with glasses and an insane massive curly quiff. He always sits alone in booths designed for 6 people with his vile tweed jacket drinking halfs with a carrier bag full of other carrier bags.

Shuffles2 – This guy is another crazy carrier bag carrier. He has a bit of a stoop when he shuffles about the place with all the speed of half a maggot. Often times he spends mooching around the beer garden looking for loose change dropped and drinking the dregs that people have left there. When he has enough loose change from the streets, he buys a plate of baked beans from the bar and then pulls up a stool thing in the middle of the pathway out of the kitchen where he eats them noisily.
One time he had a box of cigarettes and was holding them out infront of him and asking everyone of the wanted to buy them or had lost them – he didn’t come to our group tho, so dunno what he was really saying.

Lawrence – Named for the nonce interior decorator, Lawrence Llwelyn Bowen (sp). This guy is awesome. He’s pretty old and wears one of those dirty looking light brown flasher macs. Hes always getting up to wave at no-one in particular or re-arrange the chairs and tabels - even ones hes not sitting at. He also eats left over food from other peoples tables.

Monkey – This guy looks almost identical to the lead character from Monkey magic – that Japanese tale thing that was on Channel4 late at night ages ago. The only thing different about them is one is cool (the Japanese character) and the other is immensely annoying is about 50 and has a tonsure (one of those shaved crown monk’s haircuts only his is because of balding) He has tried to talk to us before, and ALWAYS minges on about the price of ale, the ales they have on tap, the ales that they have had before and indeed how to drink ales and more random bollocks about fucking ale! When not boring the shit out of people on the subject of Ale, its his allotment or the fact that pubs close at 11ish (which according to him is an utter outrage) He will stare at anyone in the seats by the fire untill they leave, then he'll take off most of his clothes and sit there with 3 pints of ale in his dirty vest.

Edited for shittiness and length
(Tue 10th Feb 2009, 11:12, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

I forgot about...
Watermelon? Its like eating water! Theres no point to it. Who wants to eat something that tastes of water when you can drink the bloody stuff and not have to chew!
(Tue 13th Jul 2004, 12:51, More)

» Singing the wrong words

Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I realise its about singing the wrong words, but this is kind or relevent... They sing a lot on Sesame Street anyway... maybe it was from a song...

I was watching the good Sesame Street, back in the 90's (When it was still an hour long and still on at lunchtime) I miss those days...

Anyway, It was an episode where Elmo had lost his violin. Can't remember exactly where he found it in the end but anyway...

Some random guest of some kind was on the show, doing their bit for the education of out young and was talking to Elmo about the things he liked. This is what i heard: "Elmo likes; using is library card, finding his violin and drugs"

Firstly I noticed that Elmo appears to speak in the 3rd person. Not agreat example to set to the youth... Then I thought about what he'd saod...

Not knowing if i heard right I looked at the TV in slight shock... until said random guest gave Elmo a h.u.g... damn it... There I was thinking they were bringing a more adult storyline into it...

Sorry for length (I have to say that to all the girls)
(Tue 1st Feb 2005, 22:08, More)

» Job Interviews

job interviews...
Not me, but almost... I was out in the middle of nowhere installing one of many dams on a bog on the border mire's talkin to a friend about my forthcoming job interwiew... He told me that one of his friends had a very good interview, spoilt only by the obligatory handshake at te end... Instead of opting for the traditional handshake, he opted for the over-the-top-kind-of-holding-the-thumb-thing... hard to describe in writing but i think you'll get it... Anyway, for some strange reason that thought stuck in my mind throuought the interview. In the end I was so close to doing it myself but managed not to... I didn't get the job anyway...
(Mon 24th Jan 2005, 21:28, More)