b3ta.com user Mastic
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» Have you ever paid for sex?

Not me but a mate.
Set the scene:
I'm in bed one saturday morning, about 7.30am. I get a phone call from my chronicaly drunk pal James.

Me:"What the fuck you bastard, it's 7.30 in the morning"
James:"Yeh, but mate, I'm in trouble"
Me:"Again, what this time?"
James:"I'm at work (he worked in a hotel) in a room and theres a whore in the bed"
Me:"Fuck, is she dead?"
James:"No, but I said I'd pay £300 for the night, I've only got £3.10"
James:"Can you lend me some"
Me:"Fuck off, do a runner, and I'll catch up with you later"
James:"But she'll tell someone"
Me:"Oh yeh, like she'll grass herself up for being a whore"
James:"Good point, see you at yours in 20 mins"
Me:"What the f...."

Cue later that day down the pub, James's phone rings, he answers and goes a colour somewhere between green and purple:
me:"Er, what's up?"
James:"That was work, I'm fired...apparantly I claimed to be the hotel manager and left a prostitute in a room and fucked off without paying...worse still, I stole her fags"
James:"I've got to go pick up my stuff and my p45"
me:"Tough break"
James:"Yeh, my mum's the accountant"

Appologies for length, but not girth.
(Tue 24th Jan 2006, 9:42, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Not worth it
I was in the park with my little lad and he was having a good splash in the paddling pool. It was a nice day, the sun was shining and he was a very happy lad, smiling away. So, I decided to use my phone to take a picture to show the Mrs proof that I was a complete tool of a father.

Phone out, couple of pictures later....

A middle aged couple come wandering over and politely ask me to stop taking pictures of my son because they were concerned that their daughter (who was also playing in the pool) might end up on one of them and *~shock~* the pictures may end up on Facebook or worse - the Internet!

Anyway - a short discussion ensued and I ended it with the line "Well I wouldn't want to wank over your daughter - she's not that special"...

What I hadn't realised at this point was most of the parents were watching this discussion and the park had gone silent at this point.

Needless to say I had to make a quick get-away and bundle a semi-naked, wet child into my car.
(Wed 5th Aug 2009, 20:39, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

My mate James (again)
When we were at 6th form college there was the obligitory dress up day for Children in Need (or some shit charity). Needless to say all the repressed lads in the year took it as an excuse to dress up as women.

We were over in Tesco's (opposite York 6th Form for those in the know) and a strapping 6ft fella walks past; in a mini-skirt, blonde wig, stuffed bra and tights.

James:Check that out, you would wouldn't you?
Me:Er, James, It's a bloke....
(cue several seconds of silence and a pondering look on his face, much like a dog attempting calculus for the first time)
Jame:But you would wouldn't you?

At which point we developed a crab like ability to shuffle sideways away from him.
(Sun 5th Feb 2006, 16:49, More)

» Toilets

work worries
At work the other day taking one of my "can't be arsed to work it's 15 minutes from lunch lets waste some time" dumps.

Guy enters cubical next to me and starts grunting away - obviously having to wrench the fucker from his bowels.

This is then followed by an almighty drawn out fart. BUT the worst bit is the little ploop sound as the turn makes a landing.

He repeats this action and I'm struggling not to have a hernia or something laughing and he starts with the swearing "oh shit..oh fuck me... phhhhhhharrrrrtttt ploop".

I which point i'm pulling pubes out and biting fingers off to stop my self from laughing as I realise from the voice it's one of the directors.

I managed to compose myself enough to flee the bogs my eyes streaming like I was having some kind of emotional breakdown. And just as I exit the door...

aahhhhh shit...pleeeeeasssee --- phhhhhhhhhhharrrrttt....ploop

Needless to say I had to go sit in my car for 20 minutes with the radio on loud pissing my self with laughter - the strange looks I got from the windows suggest people thought I might be topping myself or something.
(Mon 5th Sep 2005, 21:16, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

Feel the Force
A very sad mate of mine believes in the "force" (as in Star Wars for all you slow people).

A few years back he got together with a band of what can only be described as "wtf" and they had little Jedi meetings. They all took up martial arts, meditated, and wore only ninja type clothing. Mate in question, lets call him John (sorry John) didn't get the whole ninja thing right. He went out and bought some baggy clothes all right.

Khaki combats, Khaki plimsoles, and a Kahki short sleve shirt. It being a hot day and all he decided to buy a hat.

Khaki. Round top and wide brim.

Think of a colonial tiger hunter from India circa 1900.

Oh how we laughed, "Obi wan Del Monte" we called him.

To this day he practises his odd fetish. Get a few jars in him and he will wax philisophical about the force and all that pap.

It's long and I don't care.
(Fri 27th Jan 2006, 15:54, More)
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