» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Mucho pussy.
Years ago, when I first moved out of the family home, I managed to get a large, very comfortable room in the house of a woman that my father knew. She needed a lodger and I wanted somewhere to live, so everyone was happy at the arrangement, especially me as apart from the fact she had a daughter who was about 6, most of the neighbours were either very quiet or elderly, or both.
Intially everything was going swimmingly, until the weather got warmer and I'd have the windows in the room open at nights, only to discover that the back garden was cat shag central. The woman whose house it was didn't have a cat, nor did the near neighbours, but it seemed cats would come from miles around to fuck in the garden and make a godforsaken noise before, during and after there feline lovemaking session. On a good night there'd "only" be about 4 cats and a bad night what sounded like about 20 of the little fuckers.
Initially I tried hissing at them or shouting fuck off, but in an attempt to be a good neighbour I didn't want to shout or hiss to loud and disturb the old folks next door. My next ploy was to lob one and two pences pieces at the bastards, but try hitting mainly dark coloured cats humping in a pitch black garden, to say it wasn't easy is an understatement(I think I had a hit ratio of about 1 in 500) and besides I was swiftly running out of shrapnel to sling at them.
The situation was getting worse, more cats by the night and it was really beginning to fuck me off. Until one night at the end of my tether, I had a eureka moment. How about using the flash on my camera. The first time I tried it I couldn't believe my luck, the 3 or 4 pairs of cats rutting each other instantly stopped and just fled. I was so chuffed. Every night they'd come back and every night I'd be there putting my cunning plan into action. Well that was every night for about a week when I suddenly realised what it would look like to any onlooking neighbours. Yes me standing there waiting to take "pornographic" pictures of cats getting it on.
I decided it'd be better to be kept awake all night every night than to get a reputation like that.
There was never any film in the camera, honest guv.
(Mon 21st Aug 2006, 2:20, More)

» Terrible Parenting

I'm guessing they hadn't thought it through
I would have added this to funny name corner, but as I have absolutely no proof, I thought I'd put it here.

A couple of years ago, I'm looking through my local newspaper (Cambridge Evening News) when I come across quite possibly the strangest name I've ever seen.

In a section called something like "In Your Community" where they talk about WI meetings and village fetes, there is a picture of a young girl, maybe about 10 or 11 years old, who had become "May Queen" in her particular town or village.

For starters, her surname was Crotch. You'd think with a family name like that her parents would be aware the kid was due for some amount of teasing in school. So what do they decide to call her? Something sensible to deflect from the unfortunate surname? Did they fuck.

They decided they'd plump for something which, to this day, I still can't comprehend.

Gypsy. There is a girl somewhere in the Cambridge area with the name Gypsy Crotch.

The mind boggles.
(Sun 19th Aug 2007, 1:53, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

Tripitaka
the woman disguised as a buddhist monk in the TV classic Monkey. I had missed the first couple of episodes and couldn't understand why I had the hots for someone that monkey, pigsy and sandy called master.

I swear it crossed my 6 year old head that there might be something fundamentally wrong.

I was fucking relieved to find out she was a chick.
(Fri 29th Sep 2006, 2:34, More)

» Council Cunts

I know it's not a council story!!!
I know it's not a council story, but seeing as this QOTW's answers are either dull or about NTL/BT and I could think of nothing else, he's my twopeneth worth.

If you ever find yourself in court for a minor crime, I doubt it works with murder*, walk into the "dock" carrying a quality newspaper (ie not the sun or the mirror).

It's worked for me everytime.

I'll leave my examples for another QOTW.

*I imagine this is more difficult if you're held on remand.
(Sun 29th Jul 2007, 1:08, More)

» Picky Eaters

Aghast
I'm shell-shocked that someone could say "pulled an all-nighter at my church last night, with the youth group" without the slightest hint of irony.

Btw, my favourite website address is jesuslovesanalteens.com
(Sun 4th Mar 2007, 1:27, More)