» My Worst Date

I think I'm turning Japanese
Oh God, where do I start? Ok first one was while I was working in London. Went out with a work colleague after work for a few beers and a couple of games of pool. Being around the St James area there were usually some pretty good looking women out doing the same thing most nights. We never really managed to talk to any of them though as we were mainly concerned with drinking as much as we could. Until this one night when three Japanese girls asks if they could play pool with us. To cut a long story short, many drinks later and sitting in some bar of Leicester Square one of the girls leans over and starts kissing me. Great! We seem to be getting on well and she agrees to come back to my place ‘for coffee’. All is going well at this point, - very well. The taxi ride back involves more kissing and the promise of better things to come. We get back to my flat, head straight for the bedroom and get straight down to it. At this point things start going bad….very bad. My flatmate nosily bangs open the front door with a couple of mates, all of which are swearing very loudly in that way that blokes do when they’ve had a skilful. Cue Japanese girl looking a bit worried and asking ‘Who’s that?’ ‘Don’t worry’ I say, ‘It sounds like my flatmate. I’ll go and tell them to shut up’ Now, the light comes on and in my semi-undressed state, the Japanese girl sees the tattoo I have on my back/shoulder. More shouting from outside my room and in the space of 5 seconds she has convinced herself that this was all planned and we’re going to gang rape her. I’m standing there thinking WTF!?!, while she climbs out of bed and opens my window ‘I’ll jump!’ she screams. I lived on the third floor. Now, being confused with some sort of Yakuza rapist isn’t something that has happened to me before – I panicked. However, I’m sure you’ll all agree with me that the solution to me predicament was one of magnificent genius. I went into the kitchen, found the biggest sharpest knife I could find, went back into the bedroom and said ‘Here, have this. If anyone tries anything you can stab them!’ I can still picture the scene now, her almost half way out of a third story window, in her underwear, with those scared stiff, rabbit in headlights eyes staring back at me and holding an 8 inch carving knife. ‘OK!’ she says, hops off the windows, smiles and says ‘Come on, let’s go back to bed!’ That night I slept with a Japanese girl in my arms while she held the knife in her hand, on my chest. Weird thing was though we went out with each other for six months. Until she told me she was married to a pilot in the airforce. Shame really as she was pretty good fun.

Sorry for length etc etc
(Mon 25th Oct 2004, 14:47, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

More of an anti-hero really
Ginger tool Chris Evans came into a pub I used to regularly drink in, in Soho once with that fat twat Danny Baker, in one of his jolly japery sort of moods and offered to but the whole pub a drink.

Not one person took him up on the offer.

The expression on his face was priceless.
(Fri 26th May 2006, 16:28, More)

» Misunderstood

While watching TV
I saw a trailer for Cosmetic Surgery Live with Vannesa Feltz. It turns out that what Vannessa actually said was "Tonight we'll be watching as Miss X undergoes lyposuction" however, I completely misunderstood as all I heard was " I'm an utter media whore that will do ANYTHING to get on TV. I'm willing to fuck a labrador while being pee'd on by lepers as long a ITV film me. I am a cunt!".

Wierd, huh!?




10 PRINT "appologies for length";
20 GOTO 10
(Fri 7th Oct 2005, 12:42, More)

» My first experience of porn

My first
experience of porn resulted in a heamoraging ringpiece due to being repeatedly buggered by a chap while his friend filmed the entire event for posterity.


I no longer accept sweets from strangers
(Fri 26th Jan 2007, 14:47, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Did you hear about...
the thalidomide porn star?



He had an arm like babies cock.
(Wed 7th Dec 2005, 11:30, More)