» Cringe!

Oh Dear
While out in town one night and well on my way to merriment, my friends and I had met up with some guys we used to go to school with, one guy I knew really well and had been quite good friends with having also attended primary school with him and living in the same village at the time. Having had the usual catch up chat, I noticed that a rather ‘large’ lady, over my mate's shoulder had been looking at me and smiling, she was sat at the other side of the big round table we’d been sat at. Without thinking I turned around to my friend and said:

“See that fat bitch over there” nodding in the lady’s direction… “She keeps staring at me… I might be in here”

I then looked back to my mate, he didn’t say a word… he didn’t need to, his face said it all…

The lady was his new girlfriend…
(Mon 1st Dec 2008, 15:25, More)

» Shoplifting

Not shop lifting but on the same lines as...
Back in the summer of 96, being only 14 or 15 years old, too old to be playing man hunt and alas too young for the pub, most of your days were spent at the local playing field smoking herbal cigarettes and wishing we were 18.

It was a hot day and as usual we were lazing about on the playing fields, which incidentally, were next to the Leeds Liverpool canal. Mid afternoon, my friends and I spy a mini bus pulling up at the other end of the fields, attached to the minibus was a trailer with several one man canoes on it.

The minibus belonged to an adventure youth group from a local village, as was the logo on the side of the minibus. We watched as the two adults supervisors gathered the kids together and unloaded the several of the canoes off the trailer and trouped out of site with them. The driver of the minibus then unhitched the trailed and drove off.

Being bored and hungry, a friend suggested we take a trip to the shop, which, involved walking past the now parked trailer. We were a just passing it when a car came flying round the corner and pulled up next to us. A guy then jumps out and turns to me and mate "Here lads, I’ll give you £20 if help me get this into the back of my car" pointing at the remaining canoe on the trailer.

My mate and I looked at each other for a second, shrugged, grabbed the canoe and rammed it into the back of this guy’s car. He then, as promised, took the a crisp £20 note out of this wallet and handed it to us, then he jumped into his car and sped off, canoe sticking half way out the boot of his car. It all happened in about two minuets, it was very surreal.

Long after the £20 had been spend on cheap cider, cigs and weed, a week or so later I phoned my mate and arranged to meet him, he said he had something I might find interesting. I meet my mate and he pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket, it's a newspaper clipping, the head line on the clipping reads "CANOE STOLLEN FROM CHARITY YOUTH VOLUNTEERS". Oh dear, we'd made the local paper, the first and last time I have ever done so.

Length: It was about 10Ft long and Yellow.
(Tue 15th Jan 2008, 12:52, More)

» Sorry

Mum & Dad
Dear Mum & Dad,

Sorry for all the shit I put you through as a teenager, sorry of all the obvious lies I told you as to where I was going, where I'd been and what I'd up to.

After moving in with my (ex) girlfriend and her two teenagers, I realise that all of these stories were just as unbelievable coming from my mouth as they were from theirs.

For this I apologise, for thinking you were gullible enough to believe them, I'm sorry.

I'd also like to thank you for putting up the pretence that you believed me and not grounding my for the next 5 years. This helped me grow into the semi reasonably, responsible adult I am now.

Sorry.
(Fri 18th Jan 2013, 20:53, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Cash Manchine in Manchester
On the cash machine down the road from Piccadilly train station, written on the on the front of the machine 'BUM ME'. Always makes me look over my shoulder.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 14:06, More)

» The Naughty Step

Not myself who got the telling off, more so my mother...
Back in the mid/late 80's, my mother had decided to take my older brother and myself out for the day during the summer holidays. We'd gone to an old castle (I forget which one it was), the place was still sort was massive with a large courtyard at the centre, as most of these places usually do. It was also surrounded by walls and towers and such as you'd expect. I remember on the way in there we'd seen some military personnel who were stationed there or on guard duty that day, anyway.

That day my mother had decided to make us a pack lunch and we'd sat in the courtyard of this place munching away, my mother left me and my older brother eating our lunch while she nipped into the gift shop which was next to where we were eating. On finishing our food and drinks (the cardboard carton jobs with straws in them), we decided it'd be fun to do what any kid with one of these drinks cartons does, fill it full of air using the straw and stamp on it as hard as you could.

Now given the area we were in (enclosed), the resulting boom coupled with the fact that this was the height of the IRA's bombing campaign drew some rather unwanted attention from the military chaps who were in ear shot. Queue about 10 of the coming running into the courtyard along with my mother and giving her a right bollocking for nearly putting the whole place on terror alert, oops.

We left not long after that.
(Mon 11th Feb 2013, 19:01, More)