» Well, that taught 'em

Not one for the ladies
I just went down the pub with a friend of mine from way back. Turns out his lass was seeing some bloke on the side... for 3 years or so.
Now, as you can imagine, he was in quite a state, but kept himself together long enough for one last piece of genius.

He went round to hers the day they broke up looking for a good time, and brought a gift to spice up their bed times together.
The gift was one of those all metal vibrators.

She loved the idea, and was even more pleased when he said that it 'heats up' so it's not too cold for her to use by herself.

Did I mention that this friend of mine is an Electronics student?
He'd set up a nice little system to charge several capacitors inside the vibrator, hence the warming effect, and then discharge a certain voltage through the metal casing of the thing about five minutes after it was turned on.

He said he tried it out on his arm and it had felt funny for days after, so if you see a lass in Sheffield walking like John Wayne you know why.
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 21:47, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Not the army but meh...
The joy of the ATC.

Being the best shot on .22, 5.56 and 7.62 rifles in my wing, I got sent to many things that regular air cadets don't go to.

One of these was a week long SERE (survival, evasion, resistance, escape) camp where I lived off rabits and got the shit beaten out of me by a hunter force of Officer cadets.

The first day, we were briefed on our mission (don't get caught), and basic field craft shite (how to build a shelter/catch food/etc).

On day two we were scheduled to be caught and then we were trained in cool stuff like room clearing, interrogation (read as 'torture') techniques, and a shed full of other cool stuff.

However, not all of us got caught. I had a five day ordeal hiding in bushes, burying my shit, and starving away like Victoria Beckham.

"But," I hear you cry, "you said you got beaten up by the Officer cadets!"
Well, I was hidden for 5 days of 7. The last two days were spent being interrogated properly for making them look like a bunch of wankers.

How did I get caught? They found me filling my pouches with rations from their store.

To my credit, I did knock out the guy who found me. It was the noise the frying pan made on impact with his head that alerted the sleeping base to my presence.

SPANG!
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 19:29, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

Vodka is a cruel mistress
When I was in sixth for I went to MedSim, think of it as a 4-day grooming session for wannabe doctors, learning stuff like how to take a patients history, how to suture and how to ace your interview.

On the 4th night, we all go for a booze cruise and a huge party starts. Every person going, including some of the lecturers, all decended on the girls dorm.
Now, I was about 16 when I went and I wasn't a big drinker, so when we start doing all the old drinking games I got very drunk very quickly.

The next thing I remember I'm in a bed, bollock naked, next to the hottest lass on the course, who's also completely naked. There's a girl sleeping UNDER the bed, a couple more asleep in a chair and a lass curled up under my clothes.

Now the naked girl, an absolute stunner, wakes up and gives me a smile... and my mouth just says the first thing that comes to mind.
"Good night was it?"
I couldn't believe I had done it with this girl and couldn't remember popping my cherry, my head was spinning with possiblities, trying to force the memories to come back.

Her response still rings in my head when I've had one too many.

"We had something special planned for you, but you passed out as soon as we laid you down."

There's only really one thing you can say when you realise you missed out popping your cherry with 5 women, at the same time, in the same bed... FUCK
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 15:39, More)

» Going Too Far

Going back a couple of years
I was at a house party, surrounded by mates from all over Chesterfield.
The party was going well , the beer, vodka, whiskey, rum and various other beverages were going down steadily and we had played almost every drinking game under the sun.

Then , someone bored of playing 'I have never' decided to say "I have never gone streaking."

Now, none of us had, so this posed a challenge that any drunken 18 year old would have taken up.
So we lined up in the freezing Summer night, cheering as the lasses ran past wearing only bra and knickers, and the lads ran past hoping that the cold wouldn't get to them too much.

I, as the last in the queue, decided that I had to out stage everyone.
So I disappear behind the 'changing' bush, get nekkid, and do the only thing I can think of to upstage them.

I go one step too far.

I get hard.

Rather than the rapturous applause I was expecting however, there came only a stunned silence as I came bouncing down the road.

The picture of me, jogging straight backed with knees high, manhood flailing wildly for anyone to see, is still etched onto some of my friends minds.
Poor sods.

Apologies for length, the night was very, very cold
(also I thought a bit of back-story would make a better story than 'I went streaking with a knob-on')
(Fri 10th Nov 2006, 16:37, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Uni halls
During my first year of uni the same few groups of kids always wanted to piss around in my halls of residence. Most of them wanted to skateboard or BMX around a little group of steps, which tore the flagstones up to hell. Mostly we ignored those lot.
But one day I wake up around 2pm to the sound of spray paint cans being emptied.
I get dressed into whatever seemed cleanest and step outside to see a group of kids a few years older than the norm, closer to 16 than 13. All of them had spray paint, and all of them were tagging the brickwork, windows and general empty spaces that were within arms reach.
I thought that a quick shout of "Oi, what do you think you're doing?" would shift them, it nearly always did with the younger ones.
But the cry of "Fuck off you lanky haired cunt" drifted over to me, followed by some sniggers while the rest of the group laughed at the head-honcho-dick-head.

So I walk at him.
The fact all the other kids were swarming round the speaker told me he was the boss. Or, at least, he thought he was the boss.
And after 5 years of beasting layabout cadets, I know how to shout at someone.

"What did you just say to me, maggot? You aren't worthy of breathing the same air as me you horrible little man! If I had any sense, I'd rip you open and spread your guts from here to the holy land to stop you fouling this earth with your very being!" Screams me, loud enough so that anyone in the rest of the halls is now coming to my aid.
All the time I was less than 1/8th of an inch from his face, nose to nose, only I was taller and so had to lean over him.
"You pox ridden horrible excuse for the shit I've just had, I thought I'd flushed you away! You should have told me you could climb out of the toilet! I'd have forced you down to where you belong, lad, have no fear of that! And what are you drawing here? It looks like Da Vinci has taken speed and started pissing against a wall! You call this art, boy? You wouldn't know art if it jumped off the floor and inserted itself length ways into your lower colon!"....

I had to keep it up for about 5 minutes, but the little bastard and his gang slinked off uni property and never came back.
I think the cheer I got from the first floor as I walked back in made it all the sweeter.
(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 6:01, More)