straight in there
with a pea


(Wed 7th Jan 2009, 20:27, More)

There was more, but it was all words...


Words, so many words...
(Thu 14th Jun 2007, 11:43, More)

Again...
I apologise.



For largeness of picture and file, and for general crapness of compo entry.
(Thu 12th Oct 2006, 11:42, More)

» Call Centres

I once worked in the Sky call centre in Dunfermline
the stories you hear are phenomenal.

Two of my favourites:

Call Centre Phone Jockey: Can I ask you what the weather is like where you are?
Customer: It's very cold and icy.
CCPJ: Ah, that's what your problem is - the dish is iced over. You need to warm it up. Can you get a bucket of hot water?

This guy had the customer leaning out of the window with a bucket of water, and throwing it over the dish.

And the other:

CCPJ: Right, that should be your account updated to include the Movie channels. I'm sending the information to your decoder now.
Cust: Okay. What do I need to do?
CCPJ: GET OUT OF THE ROOM RIGHT NOW! BEFORE THE RAYS GET YOU!
Cust: *sounds of a phone being dropped, footsteps and a door slamming*

To be honest, I actually doubt these are both true, but I would love to think they were....
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 12:28, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Abi Titmuss? Amateur!
When my Mum and Dad were redecorating their house a few years ago, I helped Mum to tear up the carpet in their bedroom. Instead of that soft foam stuff, the previous owner had used newspaper for underlay.

Except, it wasn't newspaper. Oh no. It was porn mags.

Bestiality porn mags.

What a top find - hundreds of grainy, faded pictures of naked women with 70s haircuts, smiling seductively.

While wanking off horses.

And behind the radiator in the bathroom was a large Disney annual. Seriously. Bestiality and the mouse.

I hope the fucker never went to the Magic Kingdom.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 22:21, More)

» When I met the parents

Oh, and...
on the same weekend he first my parents, Mr b3th acquitted himself well. It was my birthday party, and merriment was ensuing. I went off to the loo and came back to find Himself slow-dancing with my mum, with his hands firmly locked on her arse.

Class.
(Thu 19th May 2005, 19:46, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Inadvertant doggie porn
I can't remember exactly how old I was when I said this, but it was certainly Old Enough To Know Better. Let's say 18 or 19.

I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but generally speaking, if you blow on a dog's mouth, it makes him yawn.

However, if you blow on his nose, he will generally just lick your face off. Or sneeze. So my mum was doing the 'making her dog yawn' thing, and I copied. I think I got his nose rather than his mouth, because it didn't make him yawn, but he licked my face.

If you've stayed through this ramble, well done. It gets better.*

My dad was explaining the yawning phenomenon to someone, and I actually said, with a perfectly straight face:

"He always licks me when I blow him."

I suck.

Actually, there I go again...

*may not actually get better.
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 22:56, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Flying pigeons?
A good few years ago when I was at uni in Glasgow, I was walking around Argyle St doing my christmas shopping. Being a busy pedestrian area, Argyle St was usually heaving with feathered vermin.

This one time, I walked across the street and inadvertantly caught a pigeon on the end of my Docker (I told you I was a student). It went flying - not in a proper "I'm a bird and I can fly" way, but just as a heavy lump sailing through the air.

I have no idea why the dozy shit didn't get out of the way or fly once it was airbourne, but it landed with a satisfying thud and staggered off dazed.

I felt surprisingly guilty afterwards.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 11:56, More)