» My Worst Date

Friend of a Friend Story
Guy meets girl in the Student Uni bar, both get leathered, take a fancy to each other and end up back at her flat.

All goes well, and both blackout.

Few hours later, bloke wakes to find that he has shit himself during the night, his conquest is still out for the count so he does what any good gentleman would do.

Cleaned himself up, disposed of the underwear and rubbed any remaining shit on her arse,

Cue...Girl waking up in the morning thinking she has shit her-self, very embarrassed, though the bloke was strangely very understanding.

Needless to say they never saw each other again

apologies for length and slightly off topic
(Sat 23rd Oct 2004, 14:54, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Wasn't technically my prize....
We had Colin Murray, a 'top celebrity' at our Freshers Ball at university. I was young, naive and very drunk and when I saw him playing one of the fairground rides I ran up next to him like a weird stalker. He won this game and got a crappy cuddly donkey which he then gave to me. I was so amazed at this claim to fame (sad I know) that I spent the rest of the night telling everyone who I spoke to that ColinMurrayHadGivenMeADonkey!! I also kept on sneaking backstage and pestering the poor bloke as I clutched this toy.

Anyways, next morning arrives. My prize for my drunkeness was Colin Murray telling the listeners of Radio 1 that this really annoying girl who he had given a donkey too would just not leave him alone for the whole evening. He wished more than anything that he hadn't given it to me as I apparently was a complete pest.

Lesson learned.
(Fri 5th Aug 2005, 14:12, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Ex Girlfriends mum liked to treat her Cat
She went into Tescos and asked a young shelf-stacker..

"I need some cream for my pussy?"

Poor lad was probably scared shitless as she was a big lass!
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 18:37, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

The Strange Circle of Mushrooms & Cheese
When I was at college, a few mates and I bought into a large supply of mushrooms and planned to take them on a Friday night and have much fun!

We weren't sure on the best way to take them, so we made cheese sandwiches (using really, really strong cheese, and waited.

For me it kicked in as we walked into town, and I just started talking stupidly fast and utter bollox to boot, I then decided I was hyper-ventilating so I need water. I went downhill from this point so said friends left me outside Supermarket, I became seriously paranoid that these chavs next to me where planning on chasing me and beating me up. Then to make matters worse, I heard someone call my name and it was only my bloody doctor and family friend, through out the whole 2 minute conversation he stared at my eyes, I tried to convince him I had only just had a few pints, I fear he was doubtful, especially as ever 10 seconds he would ask ‘Are you ok….?’

Set off to pub again, started seeing stars decided I needed to make myself sick as that will make me feel better (its seemed like good logic at the time), so my mate and I decide to do the ole 2 fingers down the throat trick, didn't work and we just end up in a heap laughing.

The pub consisted of many strange moments, I made an epic poem regarding lemon tree's and candles, finishing with me staring at my hand for 10 minutes and announcing I had grown 4 extra hands. Blow-Job became the funniest word in the world, ever, only to us 3 though. We had spread round the pub because people where just getting annoyed by us collapsing in a heap laughing over the slightest thing. Though it became a great game to spot one my friends and mouth ‘Blow-Job’ and watched them break-down in laughter!

Anyway they wore off and I attempted to go home but ended up asking a mate if I could sleep in his car due to a strange man who was trying to convince me I was on heroin.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 10:47, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

I was only about 13
It was snowing (which on the south coast is a rare thing) so the family and me went sledging.

We had this really long steep hill near us which was great but you had to remember to jump off just before the bottom as there was a ditch and a wire face in it.

Now somehow (maybe caught up in the excitement of the snow) I kind of forgot to jump off and went head first into this ditch and then fence.

I crawled out of the ditch, slightly dazed and confused only to see my family pissing themselves laughing as I had a patch work pattern on my face which took 2 weeks to fade, gotta love snow :)
(Tue 7th Sep 2004, 18:11, More)