» Teenage Parties

I swear it wasn't me..
I can't really add too much to what's already been said without saying the same old stuff.

There was one party that has gone down in history amongst the annals of drunken teenaged debauchery...and like the best of them, it all started so innocent. Scott's mother was going away and he wanted "a couple of lads" round for the usual cider-swigging shenanigans that every 15 year old is guilty of. Plans are laid, beverages and herbaceous materials are acquired and adequate munch was purloined and stashed. A huge lie was concocted in order to appease the parental units (something along the lines of "its Scott's birthday and we're all staying over" type thing) and the aforementioned "couple of lads" got excited and ready for a night of getting ripped to the tits. Oh how life was simple back then.

Anyway, friday rolls round, his mother rolls out and we all get phonecalls telling us we can come over. I got delayed but seeing as I was the "herbacous supplier" I was told things would wait until I arrived. After I got my stuff together and found the right bus, I walked up the path to his house and was instantly greeted by one of the most incredible smells ever - stale cider, cheap beer, vomit, kebabs and smoke. Shit, methinks, what happened to taking it easy? Turns out word had got around and the entire year (give or take a couple of the more studious types) had gotten hold of as much alcohol as their underaged arms could hold and shown up to Scotts place. The place was a wreck, Scott was weeping under the stairs and I struggled to take in the carnage as I walked from room-to-room. Some highlights were:

- A chair actually embedded in the patio door so that the legs had gotten stuck in the glass without it shattering
- A kitchen that was more-or-less on fire after a pizza had been put in the oven, box and cellophane wrapping and all
- Someone had fallen down the stairs and left 3 teeth and a rather large and extravagent stain on the carpet
- and the piece de resistance was the copious amount of puke in the grand piano.

Not wanting to be associated with any of this, I carefully picked my way through the beer tins, discarded takeaway wrappers and dubious carpet stains and told Scott that I'd see him on Monday.

For whatever reason, his mum stopped going on business trips after that...and while I'm glad that I had nothing to do with it, I have been reliably informed that it was "one fuck of a party." Ahh, the days before GCSE's were magical, were they not?

While I apologise about the length, you should really be more concerned with the wart at the base...
(Thu 20th Apr 2006, 2:02, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

lump? What lump? Oh, THAT lump...
This one time, me and a mate thought it would be the pinnacle of sophistication if, at 3 in the morning after the "bender to end all benders", we stole a trolley from Tesco's in order to do some Jackass-style stunts. Well, 4 miles after pinching the trolley and running like hell, we happened upon a large slope in a grassy field. The perfect place. I volunteered to go first, and my mate launched me down in the trolley. I went from 0 to about 300 miles an hour in the space of 50 metres, and was literally shitting myself with fear at the realisation that tescos trolleys have no brakes. Shit. Still, my problems were solved when after about 200 metres of travel (impressive stuff) the fugging trolley turned itself over, throwing me out with considerable force. My arm started to hurt, but I thought, "Oh sod it, I'll be OK". The next morning, all anaesthetic from the alcohol had worn off. And my arm hurt like hell. Still, instead of biting the bullet and telling my mum how I actually hurt my arm, I decided to see what would happen. The day after that, I went to America for 3 weeks. After the first week, I had to go for an X-ray (at great cost, I have to say). Turns out I broke my shoulder in 2 places, and the wound was beginning to fester, because of fairly sever internal bleeding. How was I to know? I thought your arm went black after falling out of a trolley anyway. And the bastard Yank doctors wouldn't feel sympathy toward me when I told them how I did it either...swine. Still, looking back, it was the best 7 seconds of my life...
(Sat 4th Sep 2004, 5:19, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Sausage beast? Only after a Khyber kebab...
I am one of the frequently mentioned people that takes a lot more alcohol to knock down than most people, which has meant I have had front row seats for many hilarious incidents involving my mates and their small stomachs.

The best time (that I can remember) was when we were having a house party at a really posh house that belonged to my friend's step-dad. We were all about 16 or 17 and decided to dabble in the mysterious world of super-strength lager. I must have brought about 25 tins of spesh, and many more people had various alco-pops and other sugary monstrosities. My friend (let's call him Jake) has had a reputation for being a lightweight, so naturally, many people were challenging him to drinking contests. He must have downed about 7 or 8 tins of lager and a few alcopops when he decided that he was feeling a "bit ill". He frantically searched for something to hold the vomit which was inevitably going to make an appearance, but could find nothing. So he ran over to the concert-sized grand piano in my friends house and heaved away into that, before passing out underneath it. This in itself was a capital offence, but when we saw the volume and consistency of his bile (it was like treacle and smelled like death) we knew that it would go down in the annals of history. Needless to say, when the step-dad found out, we were never allowwed back round. Shame really, because it was a wonderful little venue...
(Tue 24th Aug 2004, 18:24, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

sorry
I'd post something witty and exciting, but I just got done shagging the most delicious girl I've ever been with. Ask me about this in the morning.
(Wed 22nd Nov 2006, 6:15, More)