» Housemates from hell

Not mine but...
A mate of mines got a housemate/fridgefreezer/shit story, complete with pic, which is piss funny, and can be found here in his blog:

blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=67640811&blogID=121651205&MyToken=14eb6929-a2d4-492e-87a7-a7854bbad333
(Sat 7th Apr 2007, 14:30, More)

» Fire!

Argh
A good few years ago I was quite a big stoner, and I was living at home with the old dears. One night, I'd had a joint out of my bedroom window, and fell asleep listening to my naff sanyo stereo... which decided to catch fire while I was in the land of nod...

Was woken up a while later by the sound of my TV imploding with the heat, cue me running around me room in me boxers, couldn't see a thing and was chocking on flaming plastic fumes, found the door but couldn't find the handle... panicked and started screaming like a little girl! Me dad eventually came upstairs and let me out of the room then went off to get everybody else out of the house, and in my stoned state thought I needed to get water and chuck it in the bedroom to put out the fire(which I couldnt even see for the smoke). So off I trot downstairs to find a bucket, and the closest thing I could find was a casserole dish soaking in the sink from tea... by the time I'd got upstairs with it, it was nearly empty and I had bits of carrot and beef all over me...

Well the fire service arrives, get up stairs and start putting the fire out, while chucking flamable stuff out of the front window... which included my jeans which contained nearly half ounce of pot that I'd procurred earlier that day... Thank god my little sister clocked it flying outof my pocket in to the street, she went and picked it up before the old dears/a fireman/a copper could pick it up :o)

Was coughing/snotting up black shite for a fortnight afterwards...

Funnily, I won't leave owt plugged in overnight now!!
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 21:17, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Fat Lass
Sorry if it's a bit long... first time poster!

On the last day my mate was at Uni, he called me up at lunch time saying he was in the boozer with a couple of lasses and that I should join them... So off I toddle, to sharkeys in Hull, where they do very cheap spirits... Well, I got there and there was my mate, with 2 bit fat biffers, probably with as combined weight of 40-odd stone.
Well, we set about drinking vodka heavily, and as the day wore on, the blonde fat lass seemed to get skinnier and better looking, and by closing time I had my tongue stuck down her throat and in the back of a taxi on the way to my pad...
Well once we got to mine, we got down to business on the sofa, with her on top, pounding away, when I notices a big red patch at the "entrance"... Pissed out of my head, I said to her "urgh you dirty cow, are you on?".

She wasn't.

When she got off, I had blood pissing out of the end of my manhood, and when I set about running around my house, cock in hand, I managed to get blood all over the suite, TV, stereo, walls, kitchen appliances, until I jumped on the worktop and stuck it under the cold tap....

When I had managed to curb the bloodflow, I jumped off the worktop and inspected myself... In her "not laid for years" frenzy, she'd managed to tear my banjo all the way down...

Needless to say, I threw her out. Wrapped a towel around it and went to bed feeling very sorry for myself. I was walking like John Wayne for days afterwards, much to the amusement of my mates...

Oh, and I've always worn my wellies since ;o)
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 12:29, More)

» Housemates from hell

Probably me
I think i may have been a housemate from hell myself...

A few years ago I shared a house with a (then)mate of mine, and was a bit of a drunken bastard for most of the time I lived there, with incidents including:

Getting back from a night on the lash, and thought it'd be a good idea to "feed" the garden strimmer a stack of old newspapers... In the living room. The entire ground floor of the house was covered with a 4 inch deep layer of shredded newspaper.

Had a bit of howsyerfather on the settee in the living room with a bird I'd pulled after a heavy session on the vodka. Had a bit of an accident and split a part of me that should never be split. Cue lots of blood on the couch, up the walls and on the tv as I ran around panicking, before jumping on the kitchen side to get it under the tap. Cleaned up all I could on the night, and finished it off when sober in the morning, but was still pretty disgusting.

And the pièce de résistance:

A few of us had been out on an all dayer, and me and me mate went back to ours, and he brought his girlfriend along too. We were all pretty wrecked but carried on drinking back at the house. After a couple more beers he was really hammered so went to bed, leaving me and his missus to carry on the festivities... As soon as he was though the door she was all over me, and being drunk I ran with it, and had a pretty fucking good session..! Now unfortunatly, he was too pissed to get back downstairs, or even off his back, but was awake and heard it all.... Felt like a right cunt the next morning!

Unsurprisingly, I didn't live their much longer......!
(Sat 7th Apr 2007, 12:20, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Lab technician rather than a teacher
Can't even remember his proper name now, but he lokked just like Granvil from open all hours... He used to park his car next to some old prefabs what we used to knock about round... One day we had a peer in to his motor, and on the back seat he had a whip, not hidden, totally on show! Well ya can imagine what a load of 15 year old lads thought about that...

From that day forth he was known as Kinky Neville!
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 15:48, More)