b3ta.com user Druss
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» Black Sheep

best fun since the war
As there seems to be a lot of depressing stories going on right now thought id try and cheer people up.
A friend of mine has got bipolar disorder what used to be called manic depression. As some may know this can run in familes and sure enough his grandad on his dads side was and is the same however it seemed to have skipped his dad who is a respectable accountant. Anyway I digress.
One fateful day my mate decided to go for a bit of a jolly with his then GF a lovley lady called mad Jo and his grandad, cue plenty of drinks and a little drug use (not by his grandad though) around his local area. To cut a long story short he got into many adventures including shagging Jo in a pub toilet then having to kick the door down thinking they were locked in it, being thrown out of Toys'R'Us because Jo was simulating sex with a giant teddy VERY loudly and graphicially and various other fun and games. The evening ended with my mate carrying his grandad on one shoulder and stumbling with Jo home naked as he had sensibly burried all his clothes in the nearby park so the police if they caught him wouldnt know who he was (no wallet no ID you see!). Somehow finding home he chucked his guts up fully in the sink and over the kitchen floor and passed out in his bedroom with Jo after putting his grandad to bed. Que mum and dad giving him a verbal bashing in the morning abut all of this when a neighbour pops round to drop off his clothes from the park where she walks her dog.
Complete with touge lashing from parents and hangover from hell my mate not in the best of ways wanders to the pub to escape only to find his grandad pop in an hour later to say the imortal words "don't worry lad best fun Iv'e had since the war!"
Well suffice it to say he was a black sheep for a while but mum and dad later forgave him and now he is again the golden boy.
Ahh parents aint they great!
(Tue 18th Jan 2005, 9:46, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Arr americians
Told to me by a friend who used to live in Camebridge walking round the uni there following but not part of a tour she over heard an americain sto the tour guy and ask him this imortal line. "so is this pre-war" snobby tour man replies in best queens english
"madam this is pre-Americia!"
ahh you yanks if it didnt happen in the last 200 years then your view of it seems to be as close to the truth as Mr Gibsons!
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 10:27, More)

» Stupid Tourists

A friend of mine used to live in Cambridge and when taking a sunday stroll round the grounds of the uni overheard a conversation with an english tour guide and americian tourist.
Americian lady "So are these buildings pre-war then?"
Tour guide in upper class english gent voice "madam these buildings are pre-americias!"

Edit: well as this is sounding more and more like an urban legend here is another that I know is true as I was there at the time.
I have for a few years now been a medieval re-enactor attending shows up and down our wonderful land of Eng and was at an event when a dad reliably told his little one that of course medieval people just lived in huts because they couldn't build anything better. To my eternal shame it was a friend of mine with a faster wit they replied to the gentleman "so York minster, just clever weathering then sir?"
(Mon 11th Jul 2005, 9:03, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Family domestic
One christmas a few years back enjoying the free food and drink at the parents as you do it came to the time of opening the presents. Now in our family it used to be an unofficialy to mess with the presents, wrap a small one in big boxes or use 3 rolls of tape to make it impossible to get into etc... Well this year my younger brother had it sorted, grabbing a pen knife and whipping it out he made mince meat of the present wrapping and hay presto prezzie in seconds. In fact so fast was he my older brother them put up both hands in a surrender fashion saying dont hurt me in a comedic manner. Well obviously rising to thie my younger brother then starts jabbing at him and in a fantastic miss timing of fate stabs my older brother in the palm of his had a good 3/4 inch in. Que older brother shouting you fucking stabbed me and passing out on the sofa and gurgling (which was very cool, does that meake me weird?). Not bad enough on its own the worst part was mum and dad trying to convince the staff nurse and doc that no were not charvs, no its not a "domestic incident" no my brother doesnt want to inform the police it was an accident honest etc... Oh how we laugh now!
(Fri 3rd Sep 2004, 13:57, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Not me and not a friend
Not really relavent i guess but just too good not to add.
At the battle of Waterloo while over-looking the carnage on horseback one of Wellingtons generals had his entire leg blown off just above the knee by a cannon-ball. His actual quote to Wellington recorded in the battle notes was "My God sir iv'e lost a leg" to which Wellington replied "My God sir so you have" he then proceeded to collapse from the horse as Wellington went off to give those frogs a damn good trouncing. He was taken to a field hospital and recovered eventually btw. Not really embarrasing I guess but just makes me smile at how Damnable British he was, stoic and not wanting to make a fuss!
(Fri 3rd Sep 2004, 9:03, More)
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