b3ta.com user jagwap
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» Heckles

No respect these youngsters
During 'o' levels we had a "study period" spent constructively slouching in the cafeteria doin' nowt. A teach walks purposely through, to stop and admonish us at our laziness. Turning to my mate who is almost horizonal, he says:

"Get your feet off the table"

to which he petulantly says "Why?"

"You wouldn't do that at home"

"Yes I would"

"What does your Mother say?

"You wouldn't do that at school"

Cue teacher striding off like a cat that's pretending it didn't fall off a fence.
(Mon 10th Apr 2006, 14:22, More)

» Saying the Unsayable

Duck holocaust
I live and work in the Peoples Republic of China, for a company mostly run by ex-pats. I get on well with the general manager, as he is a Brit with a good sense of what is funny and appreciates my b3ta style humour. The engineering director however is in serious need of being less intense i.e. getting that iron rod removing from his arse and lightening the f7ck up. We have had several run ins, about his inability to take my sense of humor, to the point the GM had us in his office to tell him to get a clue (my version of events, but he didn't tell me to notch it down, yet).

One day, after I had returned from Beijing I was describing some particularly great Beijing (Peking) duck, the the stuck up one asked if it was the same place he went to? He described how it labeled each duck with a number on its wing, which corresponded to records of its rearing. "So you mean they take ducks of a selected breed, number them on the arm, and stick them in an oven? What is this restaurant? Duck Aushwitz?"

It was around this time I found out the tightly wrapped one's lack of sense of humour was possibly related to his being of German descent. Even the GM looked at me as if to say"did you really just say that to him?"
(Fri 11th Jan 2013, 14:45, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Teachers without authority are...
just helpless souls in bad clothes.

Somewhere here is on topic, but mostly only kinda...

Every year at school/job/life there's a gobby gobshite, who usually deserves a slap, but gets away with it 'cause he makes everyone laugh. At school we had one or two, but P is the example here.

We were doing our 'O' Levels, those exams before GSCEs that took mildly more than signing your name to pass like now (in my day all this were primeval soup). We were 16, so kind of adults, in that puerile ladish way.

We had a "free period". While it was supposed to be used swotting for the next multiple choice nonsense, we were hanging out in the canteen doing nowt but chewing the fat. A teacher swishes by, in that special "I'm importantly busy" way they do while making that hideous noise that terminally unfashionable brown corduroy trousers make. He is a pompous ineffectual twat at the best of times. He takes his nose out of the ceiling long enough to take exception at our loitering: "What are you lot doing out of class?"

"Free period..." replies one without hiding any apathy.

"Shouldn't you be revising?"

"We're ready for our next exam, and thought best to be relaxed and not stressed before this very important step in our education" (actually it may have been "Can't be arsed")

So annoyed not to have found a legitimate issue turns to P and says "Get you feet off the table"

P: "Why?"

"Well you wouldn't do that at home!"

P: "Yes I would"

"What does your mother say?"

P: "You wouldn't do that at school"

Teacher can't answer that goes red faced back to "I'm busy and important" march, pretending not to here the unsurpressed "Twat" and laughter.
(Tue 25th Sep 2007, 8:06, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Compound in-joke sickness.
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?



Me in my lucky blue coat!

(c) Mr Finlow-Bates - ta you sick git, you warped my fragile little mind.
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 11:47, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

Living in China, slowing munching through the animal kingdom...
A few years back I moved to China to work in the fastest growing sweatshop in the world.

There are many sights, smells and tastes that are very unfamiliar to the western senses, it is all worth it for the best of them. However in the culture of ying and yang there is also the opposite to balance it all out. Nothing like your local Chinese take-away.

Drunken prawn. Not unknown in the west: fill a bowl with ice and big live prawns, then liberally fill it with Chinese rice wine (an acquired taste in itself, smelling much like a stale bar floor mixed with formaldehyde) which makes the prawns twitch and jump as they die of acute alcohol poisoning. When they stop, peel and eat, only to discover they are not quite dead. Would be delicious like raw shrimp sashimi, if the rice wine wasn't there.

Sea Cucumber: long dark knobbly thing, often served whole on a plate with a dark brown reduction. Basically looks like a turd on a plate. Tastes of nothing particular and has an unappealing bouncy texture. Famous and unreasonably expensive.

Fish swim bladder: A thin wrinkly membrane which is basically a vehicle for a sauce. Expensive and used for pointless showing off like the sea cucumber.

Abalone: Odd but interesting. Also show off food to your guests.

Snake: while it looks like Japanese eel in the teriyaki sauce, it tastes less interesting an tends to be a bit tough if fried.

Dog: didn't know it was dog, but not bad really.

Goose head: Duck is common place here, not the expensive meat it is in the west. So goose is the next up, and BBQ goose (think Peking Duck, sort of, but richer and tender) is sublime. Nothing is wasted from head to toe, and therefore all on the menu. Goose head soup it surprisingly good, once you get over the bisected heads floating around on the surface, brains showing. The nostril meat isn't all that, but the brain itself is nice, spiced in the soup with a very soft pate texture.

Chickens feet. Cooked in a light sauce for breakfast you nibble around the cartilidge and bone. Tasty when hot, unappealing (to me) when served cold as a snack

Scorpion soup: a pork and scorpion broth. Very tasty. As the venom is not removed I cannot be sure if it was that or jet lag which was causing the dizziness.

Durian fruit: Mentioned below, this is a love it or hate it thing. It stinks to high heaven, but of what no one can agree. It basically stinks of durian. But the flavour it incredibly complex. First notes are of buttery banana, then almonds, then... Oh heavens its good (or disgusting)!.

Stinky tofu: this is rotting tofu. i suppose the equivalent of stilton cheese. I smells so bad even I won't try it. Yet...

Country chicken: I haven't tried this, as it is basically rat. Well I don't think I have...

Always get a translation if you are not sure what it is, as you may prefer to avoid genitals in your dinner...
(Fri 27th May 2011, 6:08, More)
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