b3ta.com user Ethelred
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Mid-thirties Man-type beast. Lives in lesser known regions of lower Hampshire, UK.

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» Anonymous

I once worked for a crap supermarket
something rhyming with Bainbury's.

As I was told to sort the trolleys out in the car park (I was a till jockey at the time), I noticed a White Van Man park in one of the disabled spaces.

He got out and gave my colleague a grin, walked 10 foot then pretended to limp.

I went back into the store and got one of our "DO NOT PARK IN DISABLED SPACES UNLESS YOU HAVE A PERMIT" stickers and stuck it directly in the drivers field of view.

While he was in the store, it started to rain. Due to the above sort-of-mentioned supermarket was a tad tight, their stickers were paper based, not laminated or plastic, just sticky paper.

Rain + sticky paper = angry white van man peeling 5mm pieces of smeared and ripped soggy sticky paper pieces from his windscreen. For 40 minutes.

I just smiled and went inside before he saw me.
(Sat 16th Jan 2010, 13:59, More)

» Sleepwalking

In Wales on a canal boat
there was a set of bunks I shared with my mate. I was on the top bunk, he on the bottom.

I woke one morning to be in excruciating pain emanating from my right leg, and upon further investigation found an 18 inch by 4 inch bruise containing all the colours of the rainbow.

I was thus confuzzled until at breakfast my mate couldn't keep a straight face, I questioned this act of paranoia-enducing smirking and his reply:

You fell out the top bunk at 4am, shouted at me for moving the bed, then screamed "How the F**k did you get my bed up in the air like that?"

I got my own back when he fell into the canal, twice. He was awake both times though :(
(Mon 27th Aug 2007, 10:46, More)

» Blood

One fine day
I was happily listening to music in my room while my dad and his wife / my stepmother (still hate that term) were arguing.

I then heard my dad shout "You stupid fucking cow, what the fuck have you done"

This intrigued me somewhat as my dad *very* rarely swears, and even then, its very mild.

I grabbed a glass from my desk and using it as a cover (I was 'going to get a drink') I wandered downstairs, where I hear whimpering from his wife.

By this time, its starting to freak me out, so at the bottom of the stairs, I compose myself and continue the walk into the kitchen.

I swing the door open slowly and...


There is a thick puddle of blood on the floor, the phone off the hook, and my dad was there holding his wife's arms in the air looking at me with a face as white as a sheet.

Theres his favourite meat cleaver on the side, covered in blood, theres blood all over the kitchen worksurfaces, all over the floor, its everywhere.

He says "can you talk to the guy on the phone please"

I look at the caller display "999", oh joy methinks.

"Hello, this is Hampshire Ambulance Service, there is a team on it's way to you as we speak"
"Erm, thanks for your help"
"You're welcome, hope its ok, bye"
"Err, bye"

I turn to my dad and the sniveling wreck he is holding up, hes holding her wrists. Oh joy.

The ambulance turns up, she refuses to go to hospital.

The police response unit turns up, she refuses to go to hospital. She also refuses arrest. She is handcuffed and bandaged, then bundled into the ambulance.

3 hours later, she locks me out of the house, as its my fault she was arrested as I talked to the guy on the phone. Oh joy.
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 15:01, More)

» Customers from Hell

An epic multi-post
Customer #1:

"Does your laptop get hot when it comes up with this error?"

"Erm, I have my mobile phone next to it, if thats what you mean?"

Customer #2:

"I heard IT are rolling out some new software after testing, so I've beaten them to it and installed it myself, but it doesn't work"

Customer #3:

A customer called up on a mobile (as a lot do due to only having a single phone line)

Customer: "Hi, I can't connect to the internet through Dial Up." (At least they actually know what they are using, right?)

Me: "Ok, lets just check a few settings quickly"
(procedes to check Dial Up networking, etc...)
"Ok, can you reboot your machine now please?"

* Due to "point and peck" ability and the fact that nothing I tried actually changed the situation, and Windows throwing up several seemingly random errors, it takes me 30 mins to get to this point and during the 'Wait for Windows' pause: *

Customer: "Whats the weather like there?"

Me: "A bit overcast, not too bad though."

Customer: "Thats good, its pouring down here, the telegraph pole at the end of the road was struck by lightning last night, I've not been able to connect since."

Me: "..."

Customer #4:

Customer: "Hi, I'm having trouble with my emails. I can send but can't receive."

Me: "Ok, what is your username?"

Customer: "*****, also, my desktop isn't working. Have you any problems at your end?"

Me: "No we aren't experiencing any problems here, when you say desktop, what do you mean?"

Customer: "Well, my emails aren't working, and I have a blue screen. Its been like this for 10 minutes."

Me: "Ok. A blue screen with text on it?"

Customer: "No, its just a blue screen."

Me: "Do you not have any icons or start button?"

Customer: "No, All I have is a blue backdrop. Is this what is stopping my emails at your end?"

Me: "It sounds like a problem with your computer, have you rebooted it to see if that helps?"

Customer: "Yes, I have rebooted it a few times and I assumed it was because I couldn't get my emails."

Me: "I think you'll need to look at your PC and get it working correctly before I can help you, as without a Start button or any desktop icons I can't check any email settings with you."

Customer: "Oh, so I need to sort out my emails here first?"

Me: "No..."

Customer #5:

I was once an employee at a large DIY store chain in the UK as a till jockey/general dogsbody. I had one customer ask me to scan a lawnmower's barcode to check the price was the same as on the shelf (they are drawn from the same system, so not likely to get a mismatch) it came up as £149.99.

He told me that it was too expensive, even though it matched the price tag on the shelf (!?!) and asked me to remove it from his transaction.

I proceeded to remove the item and scan a few other items. The amount came to £3.49. He paid me £3.50 and of course, got a penny change.

As he was walking away, he looked at his receipt and then stormed back over to me while I was serving the next customer, barged them out the way, then started shouting.

"You've charged me for that lawnmower! Remove it immediately!" I then proceeded to inform him that if I had charged him, the total would have been £153.48, not £3.49.

He then said: "Bring me your manager, I am not happy!"

It took my manager 10 minutes to explain this while I served the following queue of equally bemused customers.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 9:30, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Tool Hire
There is a sign outside the Beaver Tool Hire shop in Portsmouth, that reads:

"You can't lick beaver for tool hire"
(Wed 18th Jun 2008, 22:35, More)
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