b3ta.com user woodchopper
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Tall bespecticled ex-pat academic living in Norway. Married to a lovely Norwegian lady.

Just realised that the most popular QOTW answers below involve my ancestors. Thats strange. The last two generations have obviously been washouts.

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Best answers to questions:

» Evil Pranks

Toilet video
How to really freak out a young lady.

Step one - set up a stepladder or suchlike in the corner of the toilet. Place video camera on step ladder and position (with tape if necessary) so that the toilet is in the viewfinder (or whatever they call it nowadays).

Step two - video the unoccupied toilet for at least 10 minutes, the longer the better. Keep the sound off.

Step three - wait until you have some mates round. A big party is best.

Step four - wait until a young lady you wish to victimise goes to the toilet. Then play the video of the empty toilet on the living room TV while she is on the throne.

Step five - when she returns to the room start laughing and see her look of horror as she sees the 'live' video feed of the toilet, and all the dirty so-called friends who have just watched her use it.

It was very wrong, but very funny.
(Sat 15th Dec 2007, 18:28, More)

» We have to talk

deathly question
My grandfather had recently died. Then a few weks later my wife's grandfather died as well.

I accompanied her to the funeral. During the service and burial I had my mobile off. Afterward, as we sat with my wife's family I switched it on and heard a voicemail from my mum, in a very serious tone: "Woodchopper, could you call me back as soon as you can, there's something I need to talk to you about".

I did that and when she answered the phone she said in an even more serious voice "I realise that this is probably the last thing you want to hear about right now ...."

My heart stopped. Its another death isn't it? My brother was in a pile-up, or maybe my dad's heart has given out. What else would be so important tha she had to call in the middle of a funeral.

Then she said "I've got the measurements of that table of your grandad's that you wanted. Have you got a pen and paper handy?"

Not good timing.
(Sat 21st Apr 2007, 14:01, More)

» Stalked

Stalking by proxy
I went out with a girl for a few months. I wasn't so happy and I finished it. She was very upset (or at least that's what she wrote in the letters). And then she found happiness in the arms of another man. A nice bloke called Steve from Newcastle.

I then found another girlfriend. I stayed with her for a few years, we even moved in together. But I wasn't happy so I finished it. She was also very upset (but maybe less so as she didn't write any letters). And then she found happiness in the arms of another man. A nice bloke called Steve from Newcastle.

Yep, Steve had to spend several years listening to two women bitch about what a complete shit I am.

The story ends with me giving him a 6 hour long lift in my car back to Newcastle. We didn't mention my exes the whole way home.

Small towns, you've got to leave them as soon as you can.
(Thu 31st Jan 2008, 19:33, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Mummy hurt me while Woodchopper held me down
A few years back I got on well with the couple that lived across the road in the Edinburgh mews in which I lived. Every so often I used to babysit their delightful two/three year old daughter.

One day I was leaving the front door and I saw mother and child walking down the street, and the child was crying her eyes out. She had a huge wooden splinter in her hand.

The child was so distressed that she refused to let us examine her hand. She refused bribes, veiled threats and cajoaling, and all the time got more and more hysterical. We considered taking her to casualty, but thought she might get even worse in a stange environment.

Eventually, I pinned her hand to the table while her mum removed the spelk with a pair of tweesers.

Next morning at kindergarten, the child was asked what she got up to the day before. She replied "Mummy hurt me while Woodchopper held me down". Fortunately her mum was able to explain things before the authorities were involved....
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 14:31, More)

» When I met the parents

Hello dad
My Grandad re-married a lovely lady several decades his junior. When he met her parents for the first time he walked up to her father, who was the same age as him, and said 'hello dad'.
(Fri 20th May 2005, 13:57, More)
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