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» When animals attack...
Rock Apes of Gibralter
When I was 13, I went to Gibralter for a couple of days with my parents as part of a holiday trip. While there, we went on tour of the rock and ended up with the Rock Apes.
The tour guide produces some chopped up fruit and starts to feed the lovely people-friendly Apes and all is good. He then proceeds to show the largest ape a piece of fruit and then 'pretends' to stick it down the back of my shirt.
Ape launches itself up onto my shoulders (and it was a big bastard too!!) and small leathery hand goes plunging down the back of my shirt and starts randomly clasping for piece of fruit (which wasnt there.)
After 10 seconds of this the Ape is mightily pissed off that there is no fruit and decides that maybe I have eaten it. Does he attack the bloke who has played the trick on him? No, he seems to favour his chances against the 13 year old much better and starts violently playing the bongo's using with my head as the drum, while his 'legs' are firmly clasped around my shoulders.
Queue 13 year old boy running around with Ape on shoulders like a back-pack, while Ape beats the crap out of him, while about 400 tourists laugh hysteically at my plight!!
Fucking Tour guide. Wanker.
Apologies for length etc....
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 13:03, More)
Rock Apes of Gibralter
When I was 13, I went to Gibralter for a couple of days with my parents as part of a holiday trip. While there, we went on tour of the rock and ended up with the Rock Apes.
The tour guide produces some chopped up fruit and starts to feed the lovely people-friendly Apes and all is good. He then proceeds to show the largest ape a piece of fruit and then 'pretends' to stick it down the back of my shirt.
Ape launches itself up onto my shoulders (and it was a big bastard too!!) and small leathery hand goes plunging down the back of my shirt and starts randomly clasping for piece of fruit (which wasnt there.)
After 10 seconds of this the Ape is mightily pissed off that there is no fruit and decides that maybe I have eaten it. Does he attack the bloke who has played the trick on him? No, he seems to favour his chances against the 13 year old much better and starts violently playing the bongo's using with my head as the drum, while his 'legs' are firmly clasped around my shoulders.
Queue 13 year old boy running around with Ape on shoulders like a back-pack, while Ape beats the crap out of him, while about 400 tourists laugh hysteically at my plight!!
Fucking Tour guide. Wanker.
Apologies for length etc....
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 13:03, More)
» Airport Stories
Not the best place to keep keys...
A good friend of mine who shall remain nameless used to make frequent trips to Germany to shag this particularly attractive Russian bird that he had met on a business trip. Each time he went he would always take his 'away kit' which compromised various sex toys and some lingerie that he had bought for her. On one trip he was delayed on his way to the airport in the UK due to traffic congestion and on arrival had to be rushed through the check-in and security process.
On checking his hand-luggage, the attractive British Airways girl found a pair of handcuffs in his bag and proceeded, much to his embarrassment to get them out in front of about 200 people. She advised him that unless he had the keys with him to prove they could be unlocked, he wouldn't be able to take them on the aircraft. No problem he thought as he didn't want to lose them, but at that moment realised that to keep them safe he had put them in the empty battery compartment of a rather large vibrator!! The BA girls were loving it as he had to get it out along with all the other stuff!!!!
I wish I had been there!!
(Sun 5th Mar 2006, 20:44, More)
Not the best place to keep keys...
A good friend of mine who shall remain nameless used to make frequent trips to Germany to shag this particularly attractive Russian bird that he had met on a business trip. Each time he went he would always take his 'away kit' which compromised various sex toys and some lingerie that he had bought for her. On one trip he was delayed on his way to the airport in the UK due to traffic congestion and on arrival had to be rushed through the check-in and security process.
On checking his hand-luggage, the attractive British Airways girl found a pair of handcuffs in his bag and proceeded, much to his embarrassment to get them out in front of about 200 people. She advised him that unless he had the keys with him to prove they could be unlocked, he wouldn't be able to take them on the aircraft. No problem he thought as he didn't want to lose them, but at that moment realised that to keep them safe he had put them in the empty battery compartment of a rather large vibrator!! The BA girls were loving it as he had to get it out along with all the other stuff!!!!
I wish I had been there!!
(Sun 5th Mar 2006, 20:44, More)
» Stupid Tourists
WTF?
Receptionist at hotel in Houston, Texas, Jan 2004:
'Are you guys from England?'
Yes..
'Id like to go there one day, but I'm not comfortable going somewhere that they dont speak the same language as me.. What language do they speak in England??'
Police Offcer in Los Angeles who has pulled us over after watching us partake in some rather 'unusual' rental car driving in a carpark, that involved lots of spinning, handbrake turns etc.
'So where are you guys from?' Sweden?
No, we're English.
'Well I dont know how you guys drive back home in Germany???'
And best of all, the chef in a Las Vegas hotel who couldnt prepare me a breakfast pancake even though I spoke slowly and surely and pointed at the ingredients I wanted in it. He just stood there looking blankly at me until after several attempts to make myself understood, I realized the problem and substituted the word 'raspberry' with 'RAAAAAZZZZZBERRY.' I finally got my pankcake!!
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 15:34, More)
WTF?
Receptionist at hotel in Houston, Texas, Jan 2004:
'Are you guys from England?'
Yes..
'Id like to go there one day, but I'm not comfortable going somewhere that they dont speak the same language as me.. What language do they speak in England??'
Police Offcer in Los Angeles who has pulled us over after watching us partake in some rather 'unusual' rental car driving in a carpark, that involved lots of spinning, handbrake turns etc.
'So where are you guys from?' Sweden?
No, we're English.
'Well I dont know how you guys drive back home in Germany???'
And best of all, the chef in a Las Vegas hotel who couldnt prepare me a breakfast pancake even though I spoke slowly and surely and pointed at the ingredients I wanted in it. He just stood there looking blankly at me until after several attempts to make myself understood, I realized the problem and substituted the word 'raspberry' with 'RAAAAAZZZZZBERRY.' I finally got my pankcake!!
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 15:34, More)
» Useless Information
Nescafe...
In Malta, the word 'Nescafe' means without coffee. (So Ive been told.)
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 14:14, More)
Nescafe...
In Malta, the word 'Nescafe' means without coffee. (So Ive been told.)
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 14:14, More)
» Local Nutters
Lewisham...
There are two nutters in Lewisham who roam near where I work.
One walks around all day in the shopping centre with a small 70's style transistor radio on his shoulder singing loudly to himself (and anyone around him) - the mad thing is the back of the radio has the battery cover missing and there are never any batteries in it so its silent!!!! (WTF??)
There is another guy who walks around the same shopping centre talking to himself at various volume levels. The volume can then suddenly change from average to very loud and he is often heard saying things like 'THATS A REAL FUCKING GOD THAT IS' and then 'GERMANY GERMANY GERMANY' very loudly!!! Mad!!!
(Thu 16th Sep 2004, 13:15, More)
Lewisham...
There are two nutters in Lewisham who roam near where I work.
One walks around all day in the shopping centre with a small 70's style transistor radio on his shoulder singing loudly to himself (and anyone around him) - the mad thing is the back of the radio has the battery cover missing and there are never any batteries in it so its silent!!!! (WTF??)
There is another guy who walks around the same shopping centre talking to himself at various volume levels. The volume can then suddenly change from average to very loud and he is often heard saying things like 'THATS A REAL FUCKING GOD THAT IS' and then 'GERMANY GERMANY GERMANY' very loudly!!! Mad!!!
(Thu 16th Sep 2004, 13:15, More)