b3ta.com user kalimah
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» School fights

i was a fuckwit
during the years before i discovered pot and had way too much testosterone coarsing through my veins i was picking on some dude whilst waiting for the teacher to turn up for our english lesson. see, i was smacking him around the head with a rolled up piece of paper that i was going to use for my art assignment that was due the next day. a blank piece of paper. he then grabbed it, as anyone would, which caused it to get crumpled. which pissed me off, i mean what right has he got to screw up my soon to be master piece? so punched him in the mouth. the cunt.
(Mon 13th Mar 2006, 1:17, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

the night before new years eve 2000/2001 me and a couple of mates arrived in the shplendiferoush capital city of holland. like fat kids on cupcakes we began stuffing our faces with as many illicit substances as possible to work up enough courage to visit some ladies of the night. this done, i choose my lucky lady and wander into her boudoire, where i'm told to drop my threads and get on ze bed. after some amazing foreplay where she managed to strap a johnny on using only her face she assumes the position. so i'm back there taking it slow and steady, you know, showin her some respect, she says,"come on don't you know how to fuck?". without taking this too personally i embrace this criticism and pick up the pace considerably. to which my efforts are promptly met with, "shtop shtop i am not a machine!" so completely confused and totally off my stroke i try to strike up a happy medium, to which my efforts are met with, "okay time'sh up, get out..." after spending something like 200 guilders i was somewhat disappointed with my experience, so much so that i had to visit another lucky lady. unfortunately i could only afford a handjob.
(Sun 22nd Jan 2006, 22:17, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

i used to...
watch M.A.S.H. a lot, that Clinger guy cracked me up. i used to think i had hearing like Radar and would pretend like i could hear incoming choppers in the distance, Hawk-Eye was cool too, but BJ had an unfortunate nickname.
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 23:42, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

okay okay okay okay...
what does a fag do when he can't get a root?

does a shit in his hand and has a wank.
(Tue 6th Dec 2005, 22:24, More)

» Shoddy Presents

are great as presents...i once gave my dad a cabbage for his birthday... wasn't even a whole one...he loved it...

gave a mate of mine an egg plant for his 18th... and a dress... we laughed... his family thought i was a bit mad...

ahh memories...
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 13:05, More)
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