» I witnessed a crime

More drunken self-interest than have a go hero.
I'm jammy enough to be spending a year at uni in France. One of the best things about Strasbourg is its cycle friendliness. This means lots of bikes and lots of bike thievery

It's fair to say that when I got here I was a bit naive. One morning I woke up to find my front wheel was missing. I was understandably miffed at this but acknowledged my fault in not securing my bike well enough, put it down to experience and made a mental note not to be so thick in future.

Fast forward a couple of nights and me and some friends are getting back to where we live after a night out. Just as we're walking down the street a guy and a girl stop by my one-wheeled-wonder and seem to be showing a lot of interest in the saddle.

Now to put it in context this is the week after Scotland beat France in Paris, pre-match I'd made a pact to wear my kilt for a week should we win. So naturally I'm kilted.

So thinking "Ok I'm already down a wheel, I'm not losing my saddle as well" I put on the angry drunken Scotsman routine ( not hard seing as I actually was angry and drunk), approach and ask the couple what they think they're doing.

To their limited credit the bastards were pretty honest about their plan- "We're taking this saddle mate". So I rewarded their honesty with some of my own- "Firstly you're not my mate, and secondly that's mine and you're not taking it anywhere."

Not really trusting them that much not to come back I decided to take the saddle inside with me. They realise their luck isn't in, but as a parting shot your man decides to tell me that I shouldn't be leaving a one-wheeled bike outside. So I tell him in no uncertain terms that I'm not going to have thieving scum tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing.

And that is the rather dull and boring story of how I still have a saddle.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 18:52, More)

» Useless Information

If the Chinese population were to be lined up round the equator.....
most of them would have wet feet.
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 17:17, More)

» Missing body parts

Sir Nippless
A friend of mine in school once thought putting his nipple in a vice would be fun. He was wrong.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 14:09, More)

» Singing the wrong words

yet another to the tune of my bonny lies over the ocean.
My one skin lies under my two skin.
My two skin lies under my three.
My three skin lies under my four skin
So peel back my four skin for me, for me.

Peel back,
Peel back
Peel back my four skin for me, for me.
Peel back,
Peel back
Oh peel back my four skin for me.
(Sat 29th Jan 2005, 20:53, More)

» You're a moviestar baby

child star
yours truly hit tv screens at the tender age of 3 by happening to be in a hospital waiting room playing with lego when scottish news was reporting from. Not great stuff i know but i did manage to tell the nation that "this bit goes here"
(Sat 13th Nov 2004, 22:33, More)