» Out of my depth

Twice in one night...
#1
I was at the 18th birthday party of a friend in some bar out near the sea front somewhere (I think it was called 'Zoo' or some such). They made the error of having a special offer - Two drinks for the price of one (not too expensive) drink.
Being 17 and possessing neither taste nor sense, I proceeded to begin the heavy drinking (this at 7.30) with the order of two pints of lager and a double whisky for while I was waiting. This was repeated thrice before I felt the need to go home, whereupon I tried very unsuccessfully to boak horizontally into a litter bin outside the bar, upsetting the bouncers somewhat. Not so much out of my depth as drowned in booze...
#2:
Soon after this, in my pissed and blissfully unaware state I wandered off and caught the train home.
Two stops later, I began to feel decidedly... unwell, and had to get off the train again for some air. Unfortunately for me, while I was waiting for the next train to come along, some crazy old alcoholic dosser, uhm, 'befriended' me.
Which was mightily inconvenient.
Especially when it came time to get off the train and go home to the family.
The specimen had decided he'd found somewhere to sleep, and wasn't going to be brushed off too easily. So, having recovered a little, I thought I'd buy some time. I suggested we went for a drink at the pub next to the train station, and while I was there I'd escape somehow.
All the way to the pub I was shitting myself, this crazy bloody old derelict tagging along with me, and I was already way too fucked to go home and have them NOT know I was as pissed as a cranberry.
Got to the pub, and I had what can only be desribed as THE WORLD'S MOST BRILLIANT PLAN! Being courteous, I held the door open for the fella. He went inside, and (considering how drunk I was) gave him a good hard kick up the arse.
And then I ran away.
Like fuck.
(And yes I did get rumbled for the massive boozing...)

Apologies for length and girth, there's always too much.
(Thu 21st Oct 2004, 16:35, More)

» School Sports Day

Inter-Class competition
Our school would hold competitive events between the form groups in the year. Some of the events were football, rugby, basketball, and so on.

We once won the cross country event because everyone except the fast kid feigned injury. The form's score was based on the average finishing position, so the less gifted among us (ie everyone) weren't dragging down the average.

They changed the rules after that.

cunts.
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 12:10, More)

» Toilets

cocktails
Having been on a particularly strong all-day bender (Ale x many, followed by yellow, foamy cocktails) I felt the need to yawn. In Technicolour. I staggered to the toilet, and as always happens the vomit erupts just a second too soon. Fortunately I'd gotten into the cubicle but in my pissed state my aim was off and all the yellow, foamy vom bounced off the seat and all over the place.
The initial eruption thus concluded, I shrugged, and went to the next cubicle in an attempt to recover. Unfortunately during the three-foot journey, I was overtaken by another wave of nausea. Exactly the same thing happened. The last thing I remember was sliding down the wall of the cubicle, only to land on my arse in a puddle of vom with a resounding "Splat".

(Fortunately the friend I was with found me and took me home. He said it was very easy - all he had to do was follow the spray of foam)
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 11:36, More)

» Childhood bad taste

Age 12
I bought "No Limit" by 2 Unlimited.

Didn't learn, cos two months after that I bought "Tribal Dance".

It was the SAME SONG.

I learned after that.
(Fri 10th Dec 2004, 13:51, More)

» Unemployed

I signed on for a while a few years ago...
Five years later the Job Centre had closed and I was working at a desk, three feet from where I'd sat waiting to sign on.

I bloody won that one!
(Sun 5th Apr 2009, 19:06, More)