» Stuff I've found

Midget porn ace of spades
This must be a repost but...

I moved into a student house in Acton with friends about 12 years ago.

Underneath the sofa there was a playing card. It was the Ace of Spades, and the picture was of a naked midget looking through his legs and spreading open his anus with a big happy smile on his face.

Like the mature young men we were, we all jumped around and threw it at one another, and it was quickly forgotten.

Forgotten that was, until a few weeks later when I went into HSBC to withdraw some cash. For some studenty poor reason I can't remember I used to have to take my passport in as ID and get money over the counter. As I handed my passport to the cashier the card dropped out onto the counter, the midget smiling up at him.

He called ALL of the other staff over to have a look, and as they screamed excitedly and pointed at me, a few of the customers in the queue came over to join in the fun.

I wasn't that humiliated again for about another 6 months, when the same thing happened again, only with a little note falling out saying "give me some money, I'm a ginger nobbler".
(Fri 7th Nov 2008, 12:53, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

This still makes me cringe
I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners. One was a lot younger with a shaved head, and they had been to see Cats.
They weren't unattractive, particularly the younger of the two and so I had a shot at chatting them up. We made small talk and I said "It's great, isn't it, that in cosmopolitan London a lesbian couple can be so open about it".
The older women replied "I am married to a man, and this is my 12 year old son". The son looked like he was going to cry, and having ruined an evening and probably caused a lifetime of therapy for the child, I just said "I'm so so sorry" and moved to the next carriage.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 10:25, More)

» Karma

greed
One Christmas I was investigating the fridge when I discovered a huge bowl of brandy butter.

I was about to reap the rewards of my find, when my sister walked into the kitchen.

"You shouldn't eat that", she said flatly.

"Oh really!?" I asked, "and why not exactly, will you tell?"

I then performed a dance around the kitchen table clutching the bowl, while I sang "will you tell, will you tell, WILL YOU TELL????"

At the climax of this performance I scooped an enormous handful of the stuff into my mouth, which turned out to be translucent wobbly chicken fat.
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 17:26, More)

» Housemates

Might be a repost but
My housemate Sabine was very nice, but a bit scatty.
She went to a party and had a few drinks and they shared a curry. At the end she said "thanks for a lovely evening but I should be going", tucked her bag under her arm and headed off.
A couple of minutes later she came back, looking a bit pink. "I'm dreadfully sorry" she said. "I thought I'd tucked my handbag under my arm, but it was a naan bread".
(Fri 27th Feb 2009, 10:48, More)

» Things we do to fit in

Mockney twat
I panic when I have to talk to anyone that doesn't work in an office, but particularly with tradespeople.

So for some reason I'll always change my normal accent (something between Boris Johnson and Oscar Wilde) for an Essex/cockney effort -
"Blaady freezin' innit? - to demonstrate that I am just like them, and could probably fit the kitchen/clean the chimney/attach a shelf myself if I wasn't so damned busy duckin and divin makin a few quid here and there.

This came undone the other day when someone came round to fix the boiler and I accidentally got the wrong voice and spoke in Australian.

"Hi, I've come to look at the boiler".
"Noice one! Cam on in, mate! Can I getcha a cap of tea?"

Even in my own ears it sounded bad, but I had to keep it up all the time he was there as it was too late to change back to my normal voice.

"Oi dunno mate, it just sorrta stopped wurkin'!"

I was almost crying with relief by the time he left. He probably was too.
(Fri 16th Jan 2009, 11:12, More)