» When animals attack...

Dogs...ooh and then one about tortoises
I used to be a paperboy for my sins...I once went to a door to chuck the shitty newspaper through the postbox and the owner of the house opened the door...their dog jumps out and proptly bites my knee...I promptly kick the cunt in the balls...the fucker runs away yelping...I walk away with a sore knee but a sense of triumph...

and the tortoise one...

I went to some crocodile reserve in Mauritius a few years ago...we wander around and eventually get to see the giant tortoises...one spots me and walks towards me with a hungry look in it's eye...I move away assuming it just wants to get past...it turns and carries on moving towards me...I move away a bit more this time...it turns again to face me and carries on...
this carries on for about 10 minutes until my wife finally stops cooing over one that she's feeding...and we fuck off to look at the monkeys...I've never been chased so slowly in my life...

apologies for a shite answer, but the question isn't particualrly inspiring!!!
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 14:52, More)

» Useless advice

Not necessarily advice
but my mum told me when I was young that women don't poo...I've no idea why she told me this...but seriously, I was convinced that women didn't poo...it still freaks me out to think think that they do...
(Thu 19th Oct 2006, 16:50, More)

» First World Problems

Government Moaners...
...simple really...I spend all day every day (well 5 or 10 minutes a week) hearing people moan about the government
...how fuel costs are too high,
how there's too much/too little housing,
how there's too much/not enough renewable energy,
how the UK should/shouldn't be engaging it's armed forces in some far flung part of the world,
how TB is/isn't the fault of badgers (I have a theory about TB and hedgehogs stitching up the badgers with this one, but that's another story)
..all sorts of petty things...THIS doesn't get to me at all.

What does wind me up like fuck, is the same silly cunts during voting season still plopping an X next to the lying toerag Labout/Liberal/Tory candidate who individually and within their party will only every attempt to disappoint the populace.

Has anyone ever stopped for one second to drag their head out of their ass and thought that they would vote for a party that hasn't a well established track record of fucking up this country? This is the 21st Century...not the 18th...we have choices. listen to your moans...you'll generally find IT'S YOUR OWN FUCKING FAULT.
(Thu 1st Mar 2012, 15:37, More)

» Performance

Ask me tomorrow...
...because I'm playing tonight (if anyone's interested it's here www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=269427043070883 ) but if it goes like most gigs, it'll involve insulting someone, saying something crass and occasionally speaking in Cornish.

Things that come to mind are repeatedly telling the sound man that I'm getting electric shocks from the mic but no-one believes me until the guitarist touches his mic and collapses on the floor.

...being threatened with death by a bike gang because I called them a bunch of pussies. That was fun, especially as the guy who threatened to kill me had only just got out of jail for manslaughter.

...last week I managed to get the crowd to moon someone across the road who we'd been told was complaining about the noise, turned out he was just enjoying himself though.
(Fri 19th Aug 2011, 11:17, More)

» Hidden Treasure

I leave work tomorrow
well I get made redundant...so in true time honoured tradition I've been finding valuable treasure...you may call it theft but to the morally deprived of us it becomes redistribution of wealth....anyway the current list includes
4 canteen chairs
1,000 or so work branded pens
Other assorted pens and stationery
Folders
Flipcharts
Halogen Lights
200 instant plastic coffee cup things
£110
A box of Kelloggs Frosted Wheats

I'll miss the place so much I want to bring as much home with me as I can...
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 17:01, More)