» The worst sex I ever had

dog sex
OK so the other night I was at this party, and some guy tells me this:

I was sitting in the porch of my house with my girlfriend, smoking a joint, when she drops her pants & starts sucking me off, ok fine thats cool. Little bit later the dog walks over and starts licking her from behind, just as I'm about to tell the dog to fuck-off she tells me not to! OK so now my cock is totally confused, strong soft strong soft, somehow my brain totally can't cope. Then the dog actually mounts my girlfriend, she seems to be totally loving this, and again my cock can't cope with it, strong soft strong soft, eventually it decides on soft & I shake her off. To this day if I'm having sex & I hear a dog, its all over!

Anyway he said they broke up soon after, surprise surprise.
(Mon 18th Jun 2007, 22:57, More)

» Teenage Parties

Mr Lion
Was second year of university & our 3-man household has a house-warming. There end up being a bunch of random people we don't know there & it gets a bit fucked up after playing "the love funnel", which is, someone puts a funnel in their mouth, other people pour their drinks into it.

Theres this HUGE black guy there, noone knows where he came from & noone knows him, he's really quiet & lurking omonously. Then my mate who's *completely* pissed (skinny white blonde), goes "hoooows it goooing niiiiiigeer home boooy g freeessh". Everyone goes completely silent..... luckily he's all like "I really respect that you can say that man".

Then my other mate who doesn't usually get *really* drunk just loses control & ends up in the bath pretending to be a Lion, just growling at anyone who comes past. Then later he starts crawling around the house on all-4's trying to bite peoples legs.

So many others though....
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 12:03, More)

» Sacked

Only once...
Between the ages of 13 and 16 I used to have a paper round, a paper round which I took very seriously as it was my first job when I was 13 and involved collecting money, and a bit of "book-keeping", this was in a quiet Cambridge village. So I was quite accomplished by the age of 16, however the newspaper in question decided that it wasn't the proper thing to have a "child" collecting money from customers, as it was "dangerous".

Well that pissed me off as obviously I'd been doing it for 4 years and got quite the christmas tip (around £70), anyway I was still supposed to deliver the papers and they put this grumpy old bitch from the village in charge of money collection.

Occasionaly my brother would cover for me, over time he had also got quite nifty & I trusted him entirely to do them. So after this woman took over she was now "in charge", not thinking about it I told my brother to cover one day, sure enough he completed the round no problems. The next day this woman's son, on the school bus, tells me while laughing that "I'm sacked", I actually couldn't think of any reason why this might be true so thought nothing of it.

Turned up to do my round and sure enough I'd been sacked, she looked quite shocked to see me, but the conversation went:

her "Your sacked"
me "why"
her "You didn't turn up"
me "my brother did"
her "Don't care"

she didn't have the guts to tell me to my face. I told my parents who decided to write a letter to said paper, who couldn't give a shit, I sent letters round the people I'd delivered to for all those years, who couldn't give a shit. Thats the Cambridge way!!!.

Anyway 8 years later her son permanently thinks he's an orange because he took too much acid once. HAH.
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 16:12, More)

» The Onosecond

working for dad
Sitting in the pub with some mates, the conversation about "the most lucrative job youve ever done" came up, as you do sometimes in the pub stories get exagerated slightly & I proceeded to explain how when i'd been working for my dad (real company, real employee, slightly bent rules), he was paying me an obscene amount of money for doing fuck all, and most of the time I sat around pretending to work anyway... Checks phone for txts, oh wow ive been on the line to dads mobile, in my pocket for the past HOUR. Never worked there again :D.
(Mon 30th May 2005, 18:38, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

!!
After about 3 months of going out with this girl & pining after her, she finally gave in, I invited her round mine to "watch a film" dispite this being the last thing on my mind.
Well anyway everything was going as planned, started fumbling around etc, decided to go upstairs, after a few failed entry attempts I managed to get it in. I was so damn nervous, it being my first time that after about an hour of going for it I actually went soft inside her.

Thank god that was the only time thats happened (so far), I'm still seeing the same girl after 5 years so I obviously didnt make that bad an impression :D
(Sat 5th Mar 2005, 21:50, More)