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JJ (November 2010 - May 2021) and Lola

Jones (July 1996 - March 2010). Much missed.

I am also proud to be a member of We are the lemon's dirigible crew!

Some of my recent posts :

Star Wars Holiday Special

A3 size

more Star Wars Holiday Special

A3 size

Scum and villainy welcome

A3 size

Life's a beach...

A3 size

Bad karma chameleon


There's always someone bigger than you...

Haaaard cheese old chap!

Slackers - so that's where they went...

Schrodinger began to regret not getting a smaller cat...

So long and thanks for all the petunias

Peter Graves

Don't provoke the noobs!

George Formby


The spider in my kitchen window

This is a 1930 Charles Hearson microscope that belonged to my gran.

I 'ate that duck!

Vectorificated Jones

Using Hypnotism For Evil
(this won the image challenge back when it was judged by a random b3tard)

Recent front page messages:

jobs for the boys...

(Thu 20th May 2010, 18:14, More)

(Thu 9th Jul 2009, 18:29, More)

The miracle of the ham

(Sat 3rd Jan 2009, 6:06, More)

Star Wars Holiday Special...

A3 size
(Thu 10th Apr 2008, 9:02, More)


(Sun 11th Feb 2007, 12:36, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Unexpected Nudity

thanks but no thanks
Several years ago, when my girlfiend was visiting her mother, I went to a party with a very pretty female friend of mine (I'll call her Sarah, but it isn't her real name).
It was clear after a short time that she was being hassled by one of the guys there and wanted to leave, so I made our excuses and took her across the street to my (shared) flat to call a taxi (yes, this was before mobile phones and I am therefore ancient).

Before the afore-mentioned phone call, I made Sarah a coffee and took it into my room, where I'd left her sitting on the bed. She was still there, but now completely naked.
She explained that she didn't want a taxi and would prefer to stay with me. I gently explained in return that I loved my girlfriend and that hot as Sarah was, it wouldn't be right.

I suppose there are people who think I must have been mad to turn her down, but I value fidelity in a relationship and besides, she was my friend and I couldn't see her in that kind of way, not even sitting in my bedroom, on my bed, naked.

Anyway, Sarah burst into tears, got dressed and left. I never saw her again. Shortly afterwards, my girlfriend and I split up.

I've always wondered what might have happened if I'd made a different decision.
(Sat 30th May 2009, 11:08, More)

» Family Holidays

1974 - Two parents, three kids, a granny and an Austin Maxi.
It was the seventies, and I was 9. We were driving to Switzerland in our Austin Maxi 1750.
In the back were me, my siblings and my grandmother. She was doing a great job of keeping us entertained in the back - a real trouper.

We drove from Rotterdam ferry port across the Netherlands and stopped at the Dutch/German border (they still had border checks at that time).
The guard (German) leaned into my Dad's wound-down window and asked if he had anything to declare.

From the rear seat, I gleefully proclaimed
"Only the heroine in the back!"

Next thing I knew, my Dad was outside the car, frantically trying to explain, in broken German to a very unamused guard, that I was just a stupid
kid and that he didn't really have a couple of kilos of smack concealed in the vehicle.

At this point, something very strange happened.

Dad started jumping up and down, doing a weird "funky gibbon" type dance which culminated in him removing his T-shirt and throwing it to the floor.

The guard was laughing his grey uniform socks off and eventually waved us on. He'd seen the wasp crawl inside the neckline of Dad's shirt.

I often remind him of it - from a healthy distance.
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 22:32, More)

» Funerals II

Pall bearers
My late uncle went to a friends funeral service at the local crematorium.
He waited patiently for the pall bearers to carry the coffin in and then attempted to follow in his wheelchair.

Bad news - no ramp, just steps.

He was wondering what to do when the pall bearers filed out again, picked up his wheelchair and carried him, emperor-style, into the crematorium.

Apparently he was heard to say "now you will remember I'm coming out again, won't you?"
(Sat 13th Apr 2013, 9:23, More)

» Sexism

Women only want equality for the good stuff
They never want to clean sewers or tarmac roads. They just want to be CEOs and astronauts.
(Mon 28th Dec 2009, 12:34, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

The phantom doorbell
A friend of mine (let's call him "Bob") bought a house from somebody who was emigrating to New Zealand. For about a month, the doorbell worked, ringing out lovely deep chimes in the hallway. All who visited commented on how nice they were. Then it stopped working.

He surmised that the batteries needed replacing. Only one problem - he couldn't find the chimes. "Oh well," he thought, "I'll just follow the cable from the bell push." Next problem - it's a wireless bell push, so no dice. He searched high and low for the chimes, but came up empty-handed every time.

I know what you're thinking. Everybody who heard the story thought it.

"If I go round there, I bet I could find it."

So we went round and looked, many of us. Nobody could find it.

A couple of weeks later, Bob started some major decorating and ripped the entire downstairs apart, walls and all. Guess what he found? That's right - absolutely nothing.

He then happened to have to speak to the original owner in NZ about the sale, so he asked him about the doorbell. He told Bob that the doorbell had NEVER worked because, he assumed, there were no chimes and the owner before him must have removed them.

This was getting downright weird. We all knew we'd heard them. Bob just shrugged, put a knocker on the door and left it a mystery.

That was over a year ago.

I've just had a call from Bob.

"I've discovered what happened to the doorbell," he said, "because now it's working again".

It seems that his new next door neighbour had put new batteries in her doorbell, because hers didn't work either. Lo and behold, Bob's had started ringing again too. It seems that for some reason, Bob's wireless doorbell push had been causing next door's chimes to go off - the previous neighbours had removed the batteries because it kept ringing when nobody was at the door and it was very loud. So loud, in fact, that Bob had been hearing it in his own hallway through the adjoining wall.

He has now removed the doorbell push.
(Thu 3rd Jul 2008, 14:30, More)
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