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» Toilets
elderly care
i'm a nurse on the elderly care ward of my local hospital. 36 beds full of old old old people.
i opened the door of a single bed room a few months ago to find a lady called doris, stark naked. she was attached to a hoist which is basically a series of purple pvc straps which sort of encircle your thighs whilst pulling your buttocks apart and suspending you in the air. doris was a good 2/3 feet above her chair. she was swaying gently in the wind, and playing on the radio, in a soundtrack to the moment manner, was 'dancing queen' by abba. as i took in this scene, she suddenly let fly the hugest amount of diarroea i have witnessed in a while, which hit the bedpan 2 feet below, whilst her facial expression didn't change. she just carried on swaying gently in the breeze.
i still count that as the most surreal moment of my life.
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 20:55, More)
elderly care
i'm a nurse on the elderly care ward of my local hospital. 36 beds full of old old old people.
i opened the door of a single bed room a few months ago to find a lady called doris, stark naked. she was attached to a hoist which is basically a series of purple pvc straps which sort of encircle your thighs whilst pulling your buttocks apart and suspending you in the air. doris was a good 2/3 feet above her chair. she was swaying gently in the wind, and playing on the radio, in a soundtrack to the moment manner, was 'dancing queen' by abba. as i took in this scene, she suddenly let fly the hugest amount of diarroea i have witnessed in a while, which hit the bedpan 2 feet below, whilst her facial expression didn't change. she just carried on swaying gently in the breeze.
i still count that as the most surreal moment of my life.
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 20:55, More)
» Toilets
sleepwalking
once, when i was about 9, i was staying at my friends country cottage/mansion. fell asleep in a nice cosy bed one night, woke up to discover i had one foot mysteriously immersed in some warmish water. for the life of me couldn't work out what was going on, so presumed had a) wet myself somehow and b) gone blind. the fact it was night hadn't occured to my addled 9 year old mind. this caused much panic and set me off whimpering and i remember distinctly at one point shouting quite loudly about being.. blind. eventually woke up enough to realise i was upright, and at that moment clarity struck me as i realised that my foot was indeed firmly wedged down the toilet. which was on a different floor to the bedroom i was staying in. and had no windows, so it was quite likely that actually i wasn't all that blind.
promptly removed foot from toilet and wandered back upstairs, and decided to inform parents of my horrific sleepwalking ordeal. i think the terror was finally compounded when i discovered naked parents obviously very recently post-coital.
not sure that night could have got much worse.
(Sat 3rd Sep 2005, 19:40, More)
sleepwalking
once, when i was about 9, i was staying at my friends country cottage/mansion. fell asleep in a nice cosy bed one night, woke up to discover i had one foot mysteriously immersed in some warmish water. for the life of me couldn't work out what was going on, so presumed had a) wet myself somehow and b) gone blind. the fact it was night hadn't occured to my addled 9 year old mind. this caused much panic and set me off whimpering and i remember distinctly at one point shouting quite loudly about being.. blind. eventually woke up enough to realise i was upright, and at that moment clarity struck me as i realised that my foot was indeed firmly wedged down the toilet. which was on a different floor to the bedroom i was staying in. and had no windows, so it was quite likely that actually i wasn't all that blind.
promptly removed foot from toilet and wandered back upstairs, and decided to inform parents of my horrific sleepwalking ordeal. i think the terror was finally compounded when i discovered naked parents obviously very recently post-coital.
not sure that night could have got much worse.
(Sat 3rd Sep 2005, 19:40, More)
» Out of my depth
"you suffocate people..?"
Ok, to start with - i'm not very good at languages. Never have been, never will be. This all came to a point in my year nine French speaking exam. I am particularly poor at French, so i was happily bluffing my way through this exam, until my teacher asked me "how do you help around the house?" Glancing down at my snazzy yellow card, i spotted a picture of a vaccuum cleaner. ah ha, i pre-emptively thought. i sat and thought for a while, before the word for vaccuum cleaner came to me in flash of glorious, romantic French. "Je passe le asphixiator!" i announced, to be met by a grim silence. i was confused at this point, surely this was my moment of glory? "No," said the teacher, "that means you suffocate people around the house. Get out." The word for vaccuum cleaner turns out to be aspirateur (or something), not... asphixiator - I think she thought i was taking the piss. I can't really blame her. I'd been learning French for eight years at that point.
(Tue 19th Oct 2004, 22:31, More)
"you suffocate people..?"
Ok, to start with - i'm not very good at languages. Never have been, never will be. This all came to a point in my year nine French speaking exam. I am particularly poor at French, so i was happily bluffing my way through this exam, until my teacher asked me "how do you help around the house?" Glancing down at my snazzy yellow card, i spotted a picture of a vaccuum cleaner. ah ha, i pre-emptively thought. i sat and thought for a while, before the word for vaccuum cleaner came to me in flash of glorious, romantic French. "Je passe le asphixiator!" i announced, to be met by a grim silence. i was confused at this point, surely this was my moment of glory? "No," said the teacher, "that means you suffocate people around the house. Get out." The word for vaccuum cleaner turns out to be aspirateur (or something), not... asphixiator - I think she thought i was taking the piss. I can't really blame her. I'd been learning French for eight years at that point.
(Tue 19th Oct 2004, 22:31, More)