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» Airport Stories

I was on a plane that crashed. Thankfully rather than being at 36,000 feet we were on the ground at an airport and doing probably about 30mph.

We were off on a skiing holiday and after an pretty boring charter flight we landed at Lyon airport. We were taxiing to the terminal when there was a huge crash, the plane lurched to the left, a stewardess fell over and my mate Mark shouted, "Yes, I've always wanted to go down the slides!". I was on the left of the plane and couldn't see out the window what was going on. In fact, it's all a bit of a mistery until one of my friends on the other sides of the plane called out, "Bloody hell, we hit the sodding lamp post!!!".

Yes, our highly trained pilot had driven the plane into a lamp post and torn the end of the wing off. Numpty.

(Sat 4th Mar 2006, 21:39, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Expensive Champagne
Friend of mine from work took his good wife away on a weekend in Paris. He ordered them a bottle of £70 champers which he thought was a bargain. It was only when he remarked how good value the coffee was at 50p a go that she pointed out that he had his maths wrong and the coffee was actually £5. The light bulb went on and he realised that his bargain £70 bottle had just cost him £700! He did say that he wondered why two waiters had come to the room when the bottle arrived...
(Wed 31st Oct 2007, 15:36, More)

» Narrow Escapes

I was on a plane that crashed!
You should never get on an aeroplane with me. I was once on a plane that had engine failure fortunately on the runway but it was still enough to make everyone feel a bit uneasy. I was also on a flight that got hit by lightning (apparently more common than you think!).

Anyway, I've also been on a plane that crashed. We'd just landed at Lyon airport already to set off on a weeks skiing. Pretty uneventful until there is a huge crashing grating noise, the plane lurches to one side, the brakes slam on and a stwardess falls over carrying all the empty tea cups (ah, so *thats* why they always tell you to remain seated!). It was more confusion than panic and then we realised what had happened - the pilot had crashed into a lamppost and ripped the end of the wing off.

Reason why it's a lucky escape? A few more feet along the wing it would have hit the fuel tank....
(Wed 25th Aug 2010, 14:12, More)

» Festivals

Melinda Messenger's norks
A few years ago, a mate of mine worked for a music press agency. As such he was always sorting us out with tickets. I forget the exact festival (Reading I think...) but he got us backstage passes one year. It's hardly rock and roll but the bogs are fragrant and, more importantly, the queue for the bar is non-existent.

One one trip to the bar there was a short blond lady being harassed by some drunk bloke. I didn't pay too much attention but as I got to the bar the girl (who seemed to be on the verge of tears) turned round, grabbed my arm and said "It's ok, I'm with him, bye". The bloke stumbled off and I looked round at my new found friend only to find it was the then-newly-famous Melinda Messenger! In a short skirt. And very tight top. She gave me a kiss (on the cheek!) to say thank you and signed my T-Shirt.

In case you're wondering, they were (and I'm sure still are) magnificent...
(Tue 9th Jun 2009, 16:39, More)

» God

I almost ran over a Jehovah's Witness the other week...
I'd been out shopping with the Mrs and rugrat in tow and had just arrived home. I swung the car into the drive quite quickly not expecting a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses to be walking in the other entrance to our drive way at exactly the same time. God was surely on their side as I had to perform some Lewis Hamilton heroics to avoid running them over. I hope God is also on the side of their washing machine as by the look on face of one of them I think he may have soiled himself. They left pretty quick...
(Tue 24th Mar 2009, 10:21, More)
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