b3ta.com user robl
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» Schadenfreude

ice kids
last winter when the snow came to London, the local yoof had decided to amuse themselves playing in the street and hurling snowballs at passers by. I could see this going on and as I got further down, sure enough it was my turn to get bombarded with snowballs...

One of the kids scooped a massive block of snow from the top of a car and came running towards me to chuck it... only slipped and went arse-over tit on the icy road, massive snowball landing in his own face. to the laughs of the other kids...

hahahaha.... justice.
(Fri 18th Dec 2009, 22:29, More)

» Moving home

Not so long ago I calculated that I have lived at no fewer than 26 addresses over the years. Moving house is a (mostly) well rehearsed routine now, although I've been in my current place for about 10 years or so... so doing good so far.

Once incident that sticks in my mind is SofaGate.

Years ago I lived in a bedsit in Reading for a while. The door to the flat was on the ground floor, accessible from the outside. I'd gotten to know the couple that lived in the basement flat. I had somehow acquired (via my mother I think) a HUGE sofa she'd bin-raked from some refurbishment. It was the entire width of the room and doubled as a bed. When it came to moving out, my downstairs neighbours coveted said huge sofa, and it was too massive to go in the van. "Sure. You can have it, if we can get it down those stairs to the basement." The basement flat, you also got to via the outside of the building and was just one long set of steps in a narrow-ish stairwell.

Anyway, try as we might, we could not get this sofa down there. We pushed, we pulled, we tried it this way, we tried it that way. Basically.. it was not going to happen. So we tried to get the damned sofa back out. Unfortunately it was well and truly wedged in the stairwell and would not budge. By this time, we looked at each other and just started laughing at the stupidity of the situation... this sofa...sticking half out of the stairs, wedged. Three of us got to the bottom of the sofa and pushed... HEAAAAAAVEE!.. FOOM! The sofa shot out of the stairwell, pivoted on end for a bit and then toppled over and with an almighty crash went straight through next door's window. I mean... the whole lot.. the frame, the glass, the sash... trashed. "FUUUUUUUUUU..."

Then the lady who lived in that flat popped her head round the sofa and calmly said: "Umm... is this yours?" Like this was some trifilng little issue that happens every day.

All of us of course did the only thing possible at this point, which was to start screaming with laughter.. laughing so much we couldn't breathe, tears rolling down our faces.

Unfortunately the very prim and proper stuck-up landlady whose name was something like Mrs Snooty Harrington-Badgerface that lived next door had heard all the commotion and appeared.



The angrier she got, the more we laughed, completely and utterly helplessly out of control. And the more we laughed, the angrier and shoutier and redder she got.



I honestly thought I was going to pass out from not breathing.

Needless to say, I didn't get my deposit back for that one.

She came up with some lame excuse like I hadn't washed the net curtains and this was worth the remaining £500 deposit.
(Tue 13th Jan 2015, 11:35, More)

» Pubs

drag queen karaoke
A few years back, A few friends and I used to frequent the Sunday night Karaoke competition at the Black Horse, Mile End Road. The compere for the evening was an incredibly bitchy drag queen, who usually showed no mercy to anyone brave enough to get up and sing a number.

One night, we were sat there and it was pretty quiet... unusually quiet. This one chap who, we think was a bit ...special needs... kept getting up and murdering song after song in a special tone-deaf horrific way. The drag queen adding such comments as "The Black Horse... supporting care in the community..." and... "I think the Variety Club Sunshine Bus is here to take you back..."

Anyway, during this, in walks this blind bloke, white cane in hand, he makes his way over to the bar, orders a pint and sits at the bar.

Fast forward a bit, and tone deaf Karaoke man returns to the stage and to murder yet another number. The drag queen hides behind the back curtains and occasionally peeps out with desperate look, to great comedy effect. Meanwhile, the blind bloke at the bar finishes his pint, and waving his white stick, carefully makes his way out of the door.

At the end of the performance, the drag queen emerges from behind the curtain and says to tone deaf man...

"Did you see the blind man that left just then?.."

"Yes.. " replies our star.

Drag queen replies: "Well... He was already blind, and you've just fucked his hearing, love!"

Everyone in the place laughed and laughed... special needs tone deaf man with a confused look on his face enjoying the attention but not really knowing what to do next, left the stage and didn't go back up. We felt a bit guilty laughing at the afflicted, but it was funny!
(Sat 7th Feb 2009, 16:28, More)

» More Terrible Hotels

Seedy Paddington
Years ago, I missed the last train going anywhere from Paddington, and ended up staying in a local "hotel".

During checkin, the guy behind the desk hardly even looked up from a small TV set in the corner. Went up to the room.

The room was tiny and entirely wood panelled walls (like a sort of 70s launderette.) The month was August and the radiator was on full. Window would not open of course.

So the room was like a sauna. Lay on the bed with nasty nylon sheets.

Every ten minutes for the next few hours, I could hear the noises from the next room through the wall.

It went something like this:

Woman: "tee hee hee hee hee hee hee!"
Man: "mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmm MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"

Silence for 10 minutes.

Woman: "tee hee hee hee hee hee hee!"
Man: "mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmm MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"

Silence for 10 minutes.


Wish I knew what the crap was going on in there!!!

Didn't try the breakfast.
(Sun 30th Nov 2014, 3:00, More)