b3ta.com user Biromunch
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» Sticking it to The Man

Clamp it to the man
A few years back I was delivering tons of stuff to my University department (in Lincoln) to help set up my final show. I came downstairs after delivering the final load to find that my sh*tty old Ford Fiesta had been clamped by some vicious fascist clamp bastard. Considering how little the car was worth, and considering how skint I was, there was no way in hell I was going to pay the 80 quid fine. Little did he know that because my car was so sh*t, I carried a nearly complete tool set in the boot. Half an hour later my suspension was disassembled and I had removed the wheel, suspension strut and lower wishbone (car gubbins to those who don't know) and the clamp was safely removed. Another half an hour later and I had reassembled the car and was on my way. One week later I get a letter through the door from Mr clamp bastard asking where their clamp was, so I phoned them up and explained that...
"Someone illegally altered and modified my vehicle without my prior consent, this illegal addition to my vehicle was removed and was safely disposed of by flinging it into the River Witham."
They never did get back to me. :D
(Thu 17th Jun 2010, 19:32, More)

» Voyeurism

Once upon a time in a city in Engerlaaand
I got hideously drunk dressed as a Scout. I managed to lose all my mates (who were all dressed as boy Scouts and Brownies), and stumbled around looking for people. My memory of the evening kicks in at about the point where I was slouched in a doorway, 'pleasuring' a girl with my hand down her knickers, slobbering into each others mouths when a riot van with 6+ coppers in pulls up, the passenger window goes down and the friendly copper in the passenger seat says "Steady on Sam, you don't know where he's been." Que the blue lights, siren, much laughing and the riot van speeds away. Poor old Sam the Policewoman has been caught by her co-workers being fingered by a 22 year old drunk man dressed as a Scout.
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 8:06, More)

» Heckles

Sorry another one so soon..
Back at Reading 2000, Daphne and Celeste announced that they were going to play on the main stage. The organisers knew nothing of this, but as a laugh, gave them a 30 minute slot between Blink 182 and somebody else.

More people came to see Daphne and Celeste than Blink 182 (who weren't great), to do one thing - throw stuff at them. They were on stage for approximately 3 minutes, where they were subjected to heckling and bottles of piss being thrown at them. They ran off crying, soaked head to foot in other peoples urine.

Later on at the signings tent, a crowd (including myself) had gathered to see if Daphne and Celeste would dare to come out into the open again. When the security guards noticed a distinct lack of teeny-boppers and instead a large number of sweaty, black t-shirt clad bottle weilding rockers, they announced that they wouldn't be coming out to sign anything. Many disheartened souls started to walk off, but for some unknown reason in my drunken haze I started to chant 'DAPHNE AND CELESTE!' over and over again, until everyone in the crowd joined in. 5 minutes later Daphne and Celeste stroll out to the signing desk all cleaned up wearing lip gloss, only to be faced moments late by a hail of piss filled bottles and mud.

Oh the beauty of that moment will remain with me always.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 23:54, More)

» Heckles

I'm never brave enough...
...to heckle, but the best I ever heard consisted of just one word.

I went to see '28 Days Later' the day it came out in a cinema in Cambridge. We watched the introduction, all giggled when it mentioned that the psycho monkeys were unleashed in a lab in Cambridge, and then came the long, top down, drawn out shot of the naked man lying on a hospital bed. I felt uncomfortable, like any man would, looking at another fella's todger, and there was an uneasy silence throughout the cinema until someone shouted...
Que much sniggering... It wasn't that funny, but I did have to bite my tongue to silence myself.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 23:21, More)

» Stupid Dares

Smoking CAKE.
Once upon a time at a party having watched the Brasseye episode of 'Cake' (the spoof yellow drug), the drunken conversation was struck up of how to illicitly take genuine Mr Kipling style cake. Injection was ruled out, eating it was considered far too normal... Que myself and a certain chum rolling crumbled up dry birthday cake into a spliff with people betting up to ten pounds that we wouldn't be able to smoke it. 15 minutes of hacking, spitting, coughing, and dry sicking later, we returned teary eyed and red faced to the room having smoked the lot, and having inflicted massive damage to our lungs. We raised a cheer, got horrendously drunk and promptly forgot to claim the money. What a pair of numpties.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 16:20, More)
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