» Mugged

Bricks!
A few years back, my mother saw someone grab one of those collection jar thingies for cancer/etc and run with it..straight towards her.

So she hit him in the face with her purse.

She collects old bricks, and happened to have a couple with her at the time, and so it knocked him out with a broken nose.
(Thu 15th Jun 2006, 16:44, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Ahh, funerals..
I happen to work in a pharmacy in the US, and so every so often someone interesting will come in, and I heard the following story from a regular customer just yesterday...

The man works in a mental hospital, and one of his patients came from a very wealthy family. Her mother, after she retired, spent quite a bit of time planning every detail of her own funeral. She finally died, and last weekend, there was to be a viewing. They tried to move her casket into the room where it was to be held, but it couldn't quite fit, so the men carrying it tilted it to the side to fit it through the door.

Once most of the people had arrived, two men got up to open the casket. In the move, the body had shifted, and the deceased lady was now on her side with her arm stretched out, reaching for them. Her daughter, the mental patient, started screaming, and they jumped to close the casket again. In the rush they hit the low chandelier.

The funeral home was very old, and the chandelier was filthy. In southern regions, such as Florida, where I have the misfortune of living, there are little red and black bugs known as 'love bugs' mainly because they fly around stuck together and die after mating. The chandelier was full of them, because they tend to migrate inside. The formerly fucking insect corpses rained down on the dead woman, which just sent the daughter into more hysterics, and so the funeral director took the handkerchief from her mother's hand that was stretched towards the edge of the casket, and tried to wipe her tears with it.

The mental patient had a breakdown and was hospitalized again.

I thought it was funny, personally..
(Thu 11th May 2006, 21:54, More)

» The Police

Ew.
Once, when I was about three or four years old, my parents decided that we would drive from Florida to Maine and back again, as we'd just moved and neither of them had a job just yet.

So, we went on our way, and somewhere along the journey I developed an inexplicable fondness for tuna. I had eaten tuna for lunch, and some hours down the road I was feeling very queasy, so we pulled off to the side of the road, since nowhere else to stop was in sight, and almost immediately a friendly copper decided to come see what the problem was. My father had just lifted me out of my seat, and turned around to say something to the officer, and I puked in his face. The policeman made his apologies for interupting and climbed, puke-smeared, back into his car.

I'm so proud!
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 22:38, More)

» Airport Stories

We'll need your souls..
A few months ago a friend and I had to travel across the country from Florida to Minnesota. We got our tickets printed with no problems, and went to check our baggage. Everything went fine, except they seemed to be a bit too enthusiastic about making sure that they checked each and every item in my luggage. No problems there. Then the security guard points to a little code that had been highlighted on our tickets, and the following conversation ensued. At least he had a sense of humor.

"Sorry to inform you, but you've been 'selected'."

"Selected?"

"Yes. You see, in order to keep the planes from crashing, we need a sacrifice or two every few days. You've both been selected for sacrifice. Once you get upstairs, they're going to take your souls, but it cause you to miss your flight."

What he meant was that we both got to be strip searched, which has happened to me on every subsequent flight. Joy.
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 14:37, More)

» Fancy Dress

Prawns!
I had my costume all set out for an anything-themed party, and I was going to go as the Grim Chicken. I had the necessary black hooded robe, feathery gloves, chicken feet, mask, scythe, etc. I went, planning to change when I'd gotten there, and then realized when I was getting closer that I'd forgotten everything but the cloak. So, I bought a prawn. Just one. And I hung it from the frame of my glasses, covered everything else up with the hood, and went around with a dead invertebrate hanging off of my face.
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 0:06, More)