b3ta.com user 100% kitten
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Please look at my second ever flash. Please? No? What about my my fourth ever flash then?

I helped Sunshine Elephant make the b3tahotel - you should visit it!

I once investigated the henginess of biscuits when I was bored: clicky. Kerrang, the magazine of leather trousers and poodle perms, called me a weirdy - hurrah!

my favourite insult ever


I would like to think that I have become a pioneer of FACT and the use of percentages in expressing FACT since I saw this (and if sunshine elephant tries to tell you otherwise, ignore him) :
SOS. Help! Hong Kong terrorist kill the Hong Kong people, The devil machine made in UK.
(as found by indole ring originally. It also originally said 100% of FACT, but the devil machine won't let them state such truths)

Recent front page messages:

The latest twist to the orange game

was a little too orangey for Klaus
(Wed 9th Mar 2005, 23:06, More)

O happy pretzel!

my gallery

(Wed 3rd Nov 2004, 21:44, More)


(Sat 19th Jun 2004, 23:17, More)

Swan lake is history!

my gallery

(Mon 29th Mar 2004, 22:39, More)

Stop me and buy one!

quick wallpaper | gallery
(Wed 10th Mar 2004, 0:22, More)

If it's real, it stands no chance!

my gallery

(Tue 10th Feb 2004, 21:00, More)

Sweep had no idea she was Sooicidal

(Tue 19th Aug 2003, 21:52, More)

The walrus of lurve is here to spread some good lovin....

oh baby!

this is a bit of a work in progress that I got bored with...
(Fri 8th Aug 2003, 0:13, More)

(Thu 3rd Jul 2003, 22:38, More)

hayfever is a pig.

bigger & priddier (240k)

(Wed 14th May 2003, 22:29, More)

shoe-shopping can be stressful and expensive.....

clicky - looks 100% better at wallparper size

(Sun 27th Apr 2003, 0:19, More)

Hairy Beary Godmother

clicky for eerie hairy beary wallparper
edit: the forest came from here somewhere, via google. not entirely sure what it is, and haven't investigated yet.
(Wed 23rd Apr 2003, 23:52, More)

I'll 'ave a monkey on trap 6 please, darlin'

bigness: strongly recommended by TV chef Rustie Lee

(Thu 17th Apr 2003, 0:05, More)

May I pay tribute to this in form of barbershop plasticine?

(Mon 24th Mar 2003, 22:37, More)

Wonder Ostrich detects a kitten in distress...

edit: weeeeee! 4000th post (I think)
(Mon 24th Feb 2003, 16:15, More)

Alex had amazing and mysterous powers....

clicky for bigger & betterer (400ish kb)

(Sun 2nd Feb 2003, 22:40, More)

neee nawww neeee naaawwww
(Wed 29th Jan 2003, 23:26, More)

Sunday is Punday!

London b3tans and b3tans able to get to London come and drink beer on Friday - it's in the pub scheduler!
(Sun 26th Jan 2003, 11:47, More)

I wish they'd stop doing that.....

(Tue 14th Jan 2003, 23:03, More)

Many non-swimming otters are still able to lead fulfilling lives
(Thu 2nd Jan 2003, 23:05, More)

twidsft twooadsfg! - twiafgt twoofg!
(Thu 28th Nov 2002, 22:44, More)

Hello Boys!
(Fri 15th Nov 2002, 23:22, More)

Stuart wasn't like all the other boys....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I'm a super-fly kitty zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(Thu 14th Nov 2002, 22:19, More)

extreme ostrich part 1

edit: clicky not very much bigger at all, but there you go.
(Sat 9th Nov 2002, 23:53, More)

Night Of The Living Teds

(Sun 27th Oct 2002, 0:23, More)


(Wed 23rd Oct 2002, 22:24, More)

My abbacuss isn't much good for counting

but I like it.
(Thu 10th Oct 2002, 19:24, More)

Oh Muhammad, stop that now......

(Thu 3rd Oct 2002, 21:22, More)

ooohh kaiser....
(Tue 24th Sep 2002, 20:15, More)

As much as Clifford loved him.....
boing boing
Sometimes he couldn't help wishing he had never stolen the baby
(Tue 24th Sep 2002, 19:23, More)

No, I'm Brian.....

always look on the bright side of life.....
(Tue 10th Sep 2002, 21:29, More)

Cross-pollination of sunflower with Lion 'juice' =

Sun-Lion - rarrrrrr!
(Thu 5th Sep 2002, 19:49, More)

Amusing insight into the b3tan mind

Yes, I'm looking at you, Pob.
(Wed 4th Sep 2002, 20:03, More)

But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? ...
... I make you laugh?
I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?

Sorry, I can't put any more effort into it than that today, I think I've got major 2 day b3tan-lag
(Sun 18th Aug 2002, 16:01, More)

When penguins learn to fly........

Look at him go! Look at his little face!
is that too huge?
(Wed 7th Aug 2002, 21:09, More)

Penguins like to attack unsuspecting harder birds with custard bombs

sorry I was doing something else when I got distracted by this and it made me chuckle, so there
(Mon 15th Jul 2002, 18:29, More)

Poorly animated demonstration of furtive plate-spinning

(Mon 1st Jul 2002, 19:36, More)

Meet Gareth.....anyone want to babysit for me...?

(Wed 26th Jun 2002, 20:18, More)

He eats kittens for breakfast - evil bastard

(Fri 21st Jun 2002, 18:30, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Clients Are Stupid

not a client
but a friend of mine asked her dad when they had a puncture why the flat bit of the tyre was always at the bottom....
(Mon 29th Dec 2003, 0:01, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

My Grandma recently had an outpatients appointment
When she left she told my aunt in amazement "oooh, they have black doctors now".
When this story was being related to me, she pointed out that "well, he wasn't brown, he was just a bit mucky".

(He was indian)
disclaimer: she lives in a very small village
(Thu 11th Mar 2004, 20:07, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

I saw Jarvis Cocker wandering up the road one morning
he was dressed like a tramp and pushing a pram.
I was so very, very fond of him when I was younger that I will let it pass this once.
(Mon 29th May 2006, 1:41, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

My Grandad
is quite 'eccentric' (for want of a better word). He said that 100% of gibbon has "a criminal look about him" and is "a thieving cockney" we saw him in the pub one night, he left an hour or so later accusing him of stealing his fleece which later turned up at my parent's house.
He also asked my best friend if she would model "Reubens style" for him when he was going through an artistic phase.
He is more famous in the village for stating that he "stopped the germans at Brockley" (an even smaller nearby village - he was in the auxillary fire service) and for "I'll cut you out of the will" should you not buy him enough pints or disrespect the self-styled head of the family (frankly, it's difficult not to sometimes).
Also he once pulled a pair of his black pants from the washing pile, wore them for several days and put them in the wash for my long-suffering aunt, who then realised they were her knickers and binned them.
I could go on.
(Thu 11th Mar 2004, 20:28, More)

» Worst Record Ever

free from 'Oink' comic (which, should you require any background, you can read here)

You can download the song here, if the concept of a song featuring the word 'parp' appeals, it's pinky and perky gone wrong with added poo.

me and my friends made up a dance to this to do in front of a school assembly

(Tue 2nd Dec 2003, 23:17, More)
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