» School fights

silly me
I went to posh wanky boarding school so excuse me if I use some JOLLY HOCKEY STICKS terminology.

Anyway, I was spinning around in the 3rd year prep room with a pair of pliers in my hand.

What I had not bargained upon was the immediate entrance to the room of the year's resident JUG-EARED FOOL (he always used to say 'It's my mastoid bone, leave me alone!'. We always used to say 'Shut up McEars!'. He's an all right guy now and I believe his ears have shrunk).

Anyway, he was universally bullied - once he got locked in a trunk and rolled down the stairs by some vile idiots - but, since I had cerebral palsy (the mild unco-ordinated kind) and a temper, he thought he could get one over on me, and did, often.

The git.

So, I was spinning around, and I accidentally let go of the pliers. And they made a ramrod straight line through the air, on a collision course with this guy's crotch.

He ran at me, yelling and frothing like Thoth the Unavenged.

'WHYNFUCKYOUNTHROW PLIERS AT ME YOUNFUCKENPSYCHOOOOO' etc.

Bear in mind that as well as having ears like the tits of the old, he was about 4 foot 3.

We then proceeded to have the most laughable fight imaginable. Gnome Fights Tramp. I was flailing my arms in impossibly wide 359 degree arcs and winding up every punch like an overzealous grandfather clock. He was 'concerned about my disability' and got me in a headlock whilst tapping my head very very lightly indeed and whispering insults in my ear.

Imagine frozen ladybirds falling on breezeblocks. That's what it was like.

WHOOOSSSH! (arms)

thesoundoffallinginsects (ouch)

FWWWHOOOOOOOOOSH! (arms)

frozenladybirds (ouch)

DIE!!!! (arms)

taptaptaptaptap (ouch)

This continued for TWENTY-FIVE SODDING MINUTES.

Then, I tripped over my FILA trainer shoelaces and bruised my rib on a chair.

To add insult to injury about 2 weeks later I broke my own nose trying to punch him. (Yeah, I swung round so far that my bicep hit my face. And I missed).

And then I punched a 6'7'' guy in his (rather spongy, I found) testicles.

And then I bloodied someone's nose, who later found me with my arse stuck out of my duvet cover trying to hide from him.

Oh well.

Apologies for length (of the fight, more than anything else).
(Mon 13th Mar 2006, 19:02, More)

» Crap meals out

MEAL
Went to this place called 'FRIED JONATHAN' in Aylesbury.

Got in there at 6pm expecting a 'light supper', although being as I was with Fat Brian, he had to order a three-course meal, didn't he, the FAT HOUND.

Things started out badly when instead of bringing us out the house red, they brought gravy. Fat Brian's wife Ugly Leslie loves gravy, so she slurped it down. In its defence it was full of genuine chicken shavings, so it was proper gravy.

For starters I ordered Hard Melon. Brian ordered Pork Scratchings En Croute and Leslie ordered Dog's Head Surprise.

Imagine my disgust when the Melon was soft, Brian's Pork Scratchings were not served En Croute but in a Car, and Leslie had to eat the head of a Cat! Which still came with fluff on, and ears! To her credit, she used the fluff to spruce up her limp-looking necklace, because Brian is a stingy twat who never spends any money on her (AND I BET HE BEATS HER AS WELL).

We would have stayed for main course but some drunk HGVist with ham hock arms drove their truck into the central Kryptonite core of the restaurant in its basement, and our table imploded... I could read the hieroglyphics on my arms for days!

ALSO THE WAITERS HAD TENTACLES!

Do not go to 'FRIED JONATHAN' in Aylesbury.

(Stop Press: apparently it's now closed and has been replaced by a crumbling branch of Dollond and Aitchison).
(Mon 1st May 2006, 21:02, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

in the poetry cafe
London's fashionable Poetry Cafe.

Woman who had recently read a poem about bollards walks in with swish-looking manfriends.

'HEY! I THINK IT'S VERY GOOD THAT YOU MANAGED TO WRITE A POEM ABOUT SUICIDE THAT HAD BOLLARDS IN!' say I.

A man friend interjects.

'YEAH, BOLLARD IS A GREAT WORD, ISN'T IT!' says he.

'YEAH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN BOLLOCKS AND MALLARD!' say I.

The man walks off.

I was later to find out that I had just screamed about bollocks and mallards to none other than Daniel 'If You're Not The One' Bedingfield.

Top bloke, actually, now I come to mention it.
(Mon 29th May 2006, 23:42, More)

» Pet Peeves

English plurals/Latin plurals
In most cases it's perfectly acceptable to put an English suffix on a word where there is a widely-used foreign-language variant plural.

Virii is correct, but so is viruses.

Lemmata is correct, but so is lemmas. Ditto formulas/formulae.

But the one everyone (including my girlfriend) gets wrong is OCTOPI.

OCTOPI is not a word. The word 'octopus' has its roots in the Ancient Greek 'okto' meaning 'eight' and 'pos' meaning 'foot'. 'pos' pluralises in Ancient Greek to 'podes'. The Latin equivalent, 'pes', pluralises to 'pedes'. Neither 'pos' nor 'pes' pluralise to 'pi'.

So if you're going to be clever-clever and use a funky plural for octopus, it's 'octopodes'. OCTOPI is WRONG. Or you could just say 'octopuses'. Thank you and good night.

(Oh, and the same goes for split infinitives. Splinfinitives are not 'wrong' as such. They are believed to be 'wrong' by certain individuals who base their rules of English Grammar on the Latin language, which has one word infinitives that can't reasonably be split. The English infinitive has two words and can be split legitimately.)
(Tue 6th May 2008, 12:58, More)

» Heckles

best improv heckle
'Hi, we're an improv comedy group and we're going to improvise a scene. Can anyone suggest any places where the scene is set?'

'SHAPE'

'Any letters of the alphabet?'

'SHAPE'

'Any occupations?'

'SHAPE'

'Any... any shapes?'

'SHAPE'

'Come on, seriously, has anyone got any ideas for any places?'

'SHAPE'

'Anyone?'

'SHAPE'

The man who heckled us with 'SHAPE' is now nationally-famous comic Al Horne. We, on the other hand, are in dull 9-5 jobs...
(Sun 9th Apr 2006, 2:50, More)