» World's Sickest Joke

not sick but mad as a box of frogs!
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
(Thu 12th Jan 2006, 17:22, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

God bless the Irish jokes!
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
(Wed 25th Jan 2006, 17:14, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Don't take your Dad's pills without asking!!!
My old man used to be in the merchant navy (60’s-early 70’s), and in those days the lifeboats used to be re-stocked every trip, and it was the officer’s job to get rid of the un-used medicine one of the bottles they used to have was labelled energy tablets, basically if you knew you were getting close to the end you dished out these pills to keep everyone’s energy levels up!.

So when we used to drive from to France on holiday me old man used to neck a couple of these on the way to keep his energy levels up of course…

Fast forward maw and paw away on holiday thought it would be nice to tidy the house for them coming back- oh that and I was having a party the following weekend, came across a full bottle of these energy tablets, looking at the ingredients wtf- 10mgs of amphetamine sulphate!! Whoop whoop now my old man left sea in 1975 and these tablets had been hanging since then so decided to neck them anyway- took 2 waited for an hour -nothing being bored with housework took another couple –nothing this kept going for a while, now started at this about 8pm when I finally looked at a clock it was 11am the next day was still watching episodes of MASH found it hilarious, was awake for about 2 days couldn't feckin sleep God knows how many of those pills i took anyway - fanbloodytastic!

Apologies for length and girth but be nice first post
(Thu 15th Dec 2005, 14:40, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Jump John Jump - Jump Jump Sir
Does anyone remember the training video for the Chipmunk- fantastic bit of 70's instruction film.

Chippies were fantastic, was asked if i wanted to do aerobatics -after the 6th loop the loop nearly lost my lunch bah brings back good memories!
(Wed 29th Mar 2006, 17:08, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Apocalypse Stoned
Aye watching Apocalypse Now whilst stoned is pretty weird to be fair, really really intense! especially sitting completely baked watching it with a few pals and flatmate who's in the TA comes back from what ever they do and insists on watching it in full combat gear- but you wouldn't know you weren't there man!
(Wed 21st Dec 2005, 11:09, More)