b3ta.com user Le Branleur Formidable
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for Le Branleur Formidable:
Profile Info:

Lieutenant Scheisskopf longed desperately to win parades and sat up half the night working on it while his wife waited amorously for him in bed thumbing through Krafft-Ebing to her favorite passages. He read books on marching. He manipulated boxes of chocolate until they melted in his hands and then maneuvered in ranks of twelve a set of plastic cowboys he had bought from a mail-order house under an assumed name and kept locked away from everyone's eyes during the day. Leonardo's exercises in anatomy proved indispensable. One evening he felt the need for a live model and directed his wife to march around the room.

"Naked?" she asked hopefully.

Lieutenant Scheisskopf smacked his hands over his eyes in exasperation. It was the despair of Lieutenant Scheisskopf's life to be chained to a woman who was incapable of looking beyond her own dirty, sexual desires to the titanic struggles for the unattainable in which noble man could become heroically engaged.

"Why don't you ever whip me?" she pouted one night.

What the Gospels actually said was: don't kill anyone until you are absolutely sure they aren't well connected.

They all err—Moslems, Jews,
Christians, and Zoroastrians:
Humanity follows two world-wide sects:
One, man intelligent without religion,
The second, religious without intellect.

If you're gonna do business with a religious son of a bitch... GET IT IN WRITING. His word ain't worth shit, not with the good Lord teaching him how to fuck you on the deal.

Don't tell me God works in mysterious ways. There's nothing so mysterious about it. He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about - a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverance can you have for a Supreme being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation? What in the world was going through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the ability to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain...

Who created the dangers? Oh, He was really being charitable to us when He gave us pain! Why couldn't He have used a doorbell instead to notify us, or one of His celestial choirs? Or a system of red and blue neon tubes right in the middle of each person's forehead?...

They certainly look beautiful now, writhing in agony or stupified with morphine, don't they? What a colossal, immortal blunderer! When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering. It's obvious He never met a payroll. Why, no self-respecting businessman would hire a bungler like Him as even a shipping clerk!

So, when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, if you go for all these fairy tales, that evil woman convinced the man to eat the apple, but the apple came from the Tree of Knowledge. And the punishment that was then handed down, the woman gets to bleed and the guy's got to go to work, is the result of a man desiring, because his woman suggested that it would be a good idea, that he get all the knowledge that was supposedly the property and domain of God. So, that right away sets up Christianity as an anti-intellectual religion. You never want to be that smart. If you're a woman, it's going to be running down your leg, and if you're a guy, you're going to be in the salt mines for the rest of your life. So, just be a dumb fuck and you'll all go to heaven. That's the subtext of Christianity.

All the above courtesy of Joe Heller, Kurt Vonnegut, Al-Ma'arri, William S Burroughs, Frank Zappa.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Look! It's me in the Local Paper

How shite is my local?
The local paper of the pissant Suffolk town I was about to leave (some years ago now) reported the break-in that happened at my house on my last week there. The "report" was all of three short sentences, and they even managed to get my first name completely wrong. Useless fucking cunts.
(Sun 13th Feb 2005, 20:32, More)

» Singing the wrong words

Misheard and deliberately mis-sung...
Truly mis-heard, easily done with Kate Bush (possibly because at the time I was 13 and too busy wanking myself stupid over her):

He clip
It to me
Or Kathy
I'm a comb again.

Fuck me, her words don't make more sense when you read the real ones.

Deliberate mis-singing:

Feed the li-ons
Let them know it's Christian time.

Or of course the Ramones:

Sheena is
A cocksucker
Sheena is
A cocksucker
Sheena is
A cocksucking cow.

Time for my cocoa...
(Tue 1st Feb 2005, 23:48, More)