b3ta.com user lankymike
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» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Beer related (unsuprisingly)
As I was a bit strapped for cash I decided to walk back the lots of miles from the Uni nightclub to my house, unfortunately about a mile into this walk I found I really needed to lose some weight fast. Quick as a flash I hopped a hedge, snuck behind a wall and released something that I wouldn't have believed would have fitted inside me; it was the worlds biggest poo and was of almost bovine proportions. Feeling relieved I wiped up with some handy leaves, hopped over the wall and then the hedge and continued on my way home. After about 3 steps I saw the most gigantic poo ever it was at least as big as the one I'd left, my initial amazement at the number of huge leavings in the vicinity was short lived. I looked at the wall and then hedge; I'd hopped into someones garden, hopped back out and crapped right in the middle of the pavement. Oops.
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 20:02, More)

» Housemates from hell

The weirder one...
His name was Norris, well we called him that because it irritated him. He was and probably still is a fat, sweaty, soap dodging, obnoxious, sanctimoniuos, pain in the arse who firmly believes that he is gods gift to women. He has had some quality indescretions:
- Being caught weiner in hand watching the sky 10 minute free-veiw in the middle of the lounge.
- Sexually harassing a co-worker to the point of nearly getting fired/taken to court (instead we just humilliated him till he moved away)
- Being 'right' all the time, unfortunately he was very stupid aswell as self obsessed and would happily argue that contrary to all available evidence he was right on a selection of subjects over which he had no expertise.
- Was incapable of using a bin, if the bin was out of arms reach he would place the rubbish as near to the bin as he could reach without moving so we could trace where he had been by the line of rubbish.
- Had an amazing surround sound system which required him to sit in the middle of the room blocking every one elses view of the TV, yet was so deaf that when we reversed the rear speakers, wired the left and right channels out of phase and disconnected the centre channel he didn't notice.
- Was so homophobic that if any man touched him he practically went into shock and the slightest hint of male flesh made him have an absolute fit. I used to walk around in a pair of shorts just for the sounds of utter revulsion, if you took off your shirt he had to leave the room.
- Despite being a chemist he failed to spot the problems of storing 20L of nitromethane\methanol fuel for his RC car in warm parts of the house, like on radiators.
- He found mould funny
- His finest hour was arriving at work one day with a black eye so well defined that you could see the knuckle marks claiming to have 'slipped on a wire' we are convinced he got punched by a 12 year old for looking at his girl friend.
- His former colleagues have an outstanding bet that he'll be on the register before he is 30.
So if you are ever unlucky enough to go out in Swindon and see a sweaty dark haired pervert hanging around "The Bedroom" say Hi from me :)
(Tue 10th Apr 2007, 11:59, More)

» Failed

Just like countryslicker
I applied for a summer job at B&Q to fund my days of boozing at uni and they made me take a psycho test, unfortunately the test was set by a psycho-ologist but obviously graded by a monkey as my housemates at uni had been psycho-ology students I'd done these tests dozens of times. I was flagged for being dishonest after I answered a social accountability question "Have you ever lied? (rate yourself 1-5)" with a good answer but the muppet marking it took one look at it and saw that I had sometimes told porkies and told me I wasn't fit to work for B&Q. So I went and got a job with a large agrochemical company playing with some of the worlds most toxic pesticides and earning 3 times what I'd have made at B&Q. I'm not sure what that shows really?
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 12:11, More)

» School fights

I tried pascifism and it sucked
Ok being 6'7" and a bit I get on the wrong end of 'short bloke trying to compensate syndrome' so I've had a few interesting barneys. One day people will learn basic physics, when I swing one my rather large fists through a full back handed arc its going to hurt when it connects. The fact that I can partially dislocate my jaw also causes some confusion. This has happened a couple of times with different people:
I get chinned by some little git, and my jaw pops out of joint leaving me gurning like the village idiot. I pop it back in (it hurts a lot and makes me rather angry) and I ask if the person would kindly remove himself from my presence. Normally watching someone hit themself in the face to relocate their jaw does the trick but in the rare cases it doesn't the person ends up with a concussion.
(Fri 10th Mar 2006, 20:38, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Oh and another thing...
My very fit RE teacher deserves a mention for her unusual saintly patience. Despite having her religion mocked on a daily basis and constant blonde jokes (Whys a blonde like a door? - The harder you bang them the louder they get) she barely batted an eyelid after the bloody pentagrams on the desks, the rapid satanification of the class computer and the complete lack of work however she did crack after an incident involving a friend and a large chalk pentagram on the carpet. When asked at the end of the GCSE course to produce a poster showing what we had learnt we handed in a blank sheet and she said it was fairly accurate.
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 20:40, More)
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