b3ta.com user chrisjw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for chrisjw:
Profile Info:

When I can be arsed I'll think of a better moniker, right now I can't be arsed, Noooo.!?

Trouble is remembering yet another name, just call me Shirley on Wednesdays instead, Okay?

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Airport Stories

PIA and Pee
Pain in the Ass (PIA) Airways picked us up in Bahrain, the flight was full of pilgrims on their way to Mecca.
Most of these chaps were on their first ever plane and first ever big trip.

The free tea (Chia) got to a few and the golden rule is, never use the crapper after 30 minutes on a middle eastern flight.

Anyhow, I had to have a pee, so I proceeded in a southerley direction to the plane rear.

A-ha an unoccupied bog, methinks.

So I opens the the door to find a chap trying to balance on the sloping walls next to the bog and piss in a squat position at the same time.

Sitting on your ass and reading the in-flight mag is for wooses and wimen apparently.

Anyhoo, he tries to turn around, falls off and pisses vertically in the air as let go of the autoclosing door and trap his head in it.

Steward sees the tell tale signs and sends me to first class; never found out if the guys surgery was successful or not.
(Sat 4th Mar 2006, 17:44, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

I was on an NHS contract, met a feminist who could screw for the Olympics. Great.
One day, after 3 weeks of this, (I'd lost a stone but was very content) I caught her packing her trunk to move out. When I asked whatsup - she clawed my chest with her short but incredibly sharp nails and told me she had an anal fixation and goodbye.

The scars on my chest took antibiotics and a year to heal over.
What was under her fingernails probably caused the infection, makes me shudder to think about it.
(Mon 20th Nov 2006, 14:38, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Ward round ICU
True story

The consultant is reviewing the patient and asks the registrar for a summary.

"I'm sorry to say we suspect he is brain damaged sir."

Senior Nurse asks "What should we do next?"

Consultant looks at the notes, snaps them shut and says "Elect him to the Hospital management committee, should fit in nicely."

I wos there.
(Sat 18th Feb 2006, 11:52, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Wiflet sceams after sex

How do yo make your wife scream after sex?

Wipe your dick on the new curtains!

(Sat 18th Feb 2006, 11:40, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Drunk in t' pub
A drunk comes into a pub and announces he has no money left.

However he challenges everyone there that he can drink two pints of snot for a real pint of bitter.

The landlord passes two pint mugs around the pub, each customer puts a finger on one side of his nose and blows the other nostril into the mug.

The mugs are now full to the brim, so the landlord passes them to the drunk.

He picks up the first one and downs it in a little under 12 seconds, very impressive.
Customers start to feel a little quesy.

The drunk picks up the second pint and starts to drink the snot.

After two thirds have gone down the hatch - the drunk stops and contemplates the mug.

"Knew you couldn't do it," said the landlord....

"Gis us a chance.." says the drunk, "I'm just chewing the lumpy bits.....!"

I've made wimen chuck up with decent timing
and munching effects with this one!

(Tue 7th Feb 2006, 23:12, More)
[read all their answers]