b3ta.com user LunarJim
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» Lies I told on my CV

More weaknesses
I was interviewing a bloke once and asked him what his weaknesses were.
"Pork Products", he replied, "and women with big arses"
(Tue 11th Jul 2006, 11:14, More)

» Sleepwalking

I was working at Paddington Green Police Station Many Years Ago
We detained a young repeat offender for TWOCing a car in the area.

We booked him in, put him in the cells for the night, but blow me down if he didnt start sleepwalking.

With my own eyes I saw him unlock his cell door from the inside, come out, punch himself 3 or 4 times in the stomach, then trip down the stairs to the custody officers desk, before repeatedly slamming his own face in to the desk breaking his nose and jawbone.

All this in his sleep, mark you - well that's what we told the NCIS blokes when they came to investigate it.

Evening All.
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 11:11, More)

» Stupid Dares

I dare you to defecate in a box...
I was once dared by a school friend to leave a box containing my freshly passed faecal matter in the headmaster's office.

This was in repayment for his humiliating three of us during assembly that day for laughing (almost uncontrollably if I remember correctly) at the concept of "the virgin mary's womb".

I took an empty cardboard box from the painting cupboard and stole into the boys toilets (well it would've drawn attention to me if I'd stolen into the girls).

The next 15 minutes were gainfully employed in straining several large portions out of my pink hornless squid-beak.

On completion, my foul-smelling felicitation was ready and I placed it on the headmaster's desk.

He walked into his office (which was next to our classroom) and instantly hit defcon1. I still firmly believe had I been sat 5 metres closer I would've been knocked down by the shockwave.

As teachers are wont to do, he jumped to a conclusion and punished the kid who was always in trouble, dragging him by the scruff of the neck to his study to berate him at full volume for his "revolting act".. every so often you could hear the kid mumbling some defense which was then bellowed over as more ire was thrown at him.

I owned up at a reunion a couple of years ago, shortly after my 32nd birthday.
A look of thunder fell over his face and he dragged me off to his study and bellowed at me for half an hour as though I'd only just done it.

Bastard.
(Wed 7th Nov 2007, 16:50, More)

» Awesome Sickies

School was always best
One kid in my form was off for 2 days, on his return without a sick note, he informed the form teacher that he had been sick "with masturbation
No idea what he thought he meant, since he looked a bit blank at the whole class laughing at him... Kept me going for days that one.
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 13:03, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Red Handed
I was working as a sysadmin a long time ago for a large company, around the time when internet connected PCs really started to take a foothold on employees desktops.

Obviously this was in the days when users were naive and less savvy than now, they didnt know about internet caches, firewall logs or content advisors, and as a result used to abuse the new found internet connectivity that they had at work.

One such abuse occurred one evening when I was working late rebuilding a mailserver.
I was bored watching blue bars cross the screen as the server installed, so I checked out the firewall logs from the day, as part of an ongoing clampdown on freeing up bandwidth.
I noticed some interesting entries which had only just been logged, (they were nothing outlandish, just normal filth), so I resolved the IP address of the originator, and walked up to his floor to confront him about it, albeit in an amusing fashion.

Imagine my suprise, or should that be horror, when I rounded the corner to his cube and found him furiously wanking over his new found images!!
(Tue 14th Feb 2006, 14:33, More)
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