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(Thu 19th Apr 2007, 14:51, More)

Now i know why the Queen is so rich!

(Tue 5th Dec 2006, 15:16, More)

that pic makes jeremy clarkson say POW!

(Wed 10th May 2006, 15:47, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Accidentally Erotic

Picture this...
...Waking up late because you got stoned the night before, rushing round getting ready for work (for which you know you'll be late); speed walking, still half alseep, to the bus stop; getting on the crowded bus and slumping into your seat, listening to your walkman (as it was back in the day); thinking about the shitty day ahead - and you're already knackered...

...And then for some unknown reason, all of a sudden, IT STRIKES!




GO AWAY!!!...















*bus stopping*


*strategically places arm in "straight down" position*

*shuffles off bus looking like some weird hunchback with a hard-on!*

its not funny at the time i can tell ya!
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 16:11, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

OK, this isn't actually my story, but i thought it b3taworthy anyway.
I was watching TV about 10 years ago, Channel 5 had just started, and there was some cheapo, late night gameshow where ex-couples joined forces and answered questions about each other, the couple with the most right answers won... kinda like "Mr & Mrs". And just for the record it was hosted by that Aussie who played Joe Mangle in Neighbours.

ANYWAY.... it got onto the round where the contestants had to re-tell an embarrassing moment in their ex-partners history. So this guy starts to tell this story of how he and his then girlfriend had gone out for a meal and a few drinks when they decided to get it on. He chuckled as he described how she was so pissed she puked on his cock...

...then the camera panned to show her face... with her eyes welling up, she snapped "I WASN'T DRUNK, IT WAS 'COZ YOUR COCK STANK! [quivering lip]"

Aaaaah... the bloke laughed, i laughed, everybody laughed except the woman who had sicked up on a stinky bell end.

Then, even though i can't remember for sure, the law of averages means that not long after watching that, i had a wank - which may or may not have been amusing in some way.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 12:13, More)

» Strict Parents

Summer of 1986
The World Cup was on, in Mexico to be exact. Me, my brother and me mates were all into collecting the Panini stickers. I had completed about 2 thirds of my sticker album, had plenty of swapsies and on this fateful day, had just aquired a "Garry Lineker"!

Oh joy, life couldn't get any better - and it didn't... i innocently walked in after school with my sticker album undermy arm, clutching my wad of swapsies when my foster mum (devout Catholic, secondary school teacher) spotted them and said something like "what have you got there?... they're a waste of money - now throw them away - all of them - NOW!"


She also did pretty much the same to my one and only "brand-name" toy - a He-Man figure (with punching arm motion)... the moment she saw it she took a dislike to it (she probably thought it'd turn me into a fist-fucking rapist). Anyway, one day i moaned about having to clean and polish my football boots and she instantly marched to my room and took it, saying she was going to throw it away - i never saw it again. To be honest i didn't even like He-Man really, but like i said, it was my only brand name toy (everything else was ethnic wooden carved puzzles n' shit)... AND it was given to me for my birthday by my real mum!


*runs away and cries under the duvet*
(Fri 9th Mar 2007, 3:49, More)

» Housemates from hell

Can't remember his name.
But he was just weird!

He seemed ok at first - an out of work artist, working as a chef at a Thai restaurant ; favourite film: The Big Lebowski.

What could go wrong?

Well, because he worked in a Thai eatery, that seemed to be all he ate, and every time he came home from work he'd go for a shit - which stank like, like... really, really pungent shit that'd been set on fire! - This stank the whole house out for at least an hour - every fucking day!

Secondly, on more than one occasion he asked if he could skin-up (he never bought any weed), i'd say yes, then he'd smoke it all himself... which didn't bother me until i realised he'd managed to stuff 90% of what i had left into just one spliff - leaving me with a few scrawny twigs!

But lastly, and certainly not leastly (pffft...?) While doing some male bonding on the first saturday night after he moved in (i.e. drinking, smoking, watching The Big Lebowski), he said "can i ask you something?", "yea sure" i replied;
he paused - then continued, "Can i suck your cock?" (i kid you fucking not!)
I sat there in shock staring at the TV, thinking "wtf wtf wtf.." until he said "sorry, i didn't mean to offend you".
"no, no, no" i said, "I'm not offended, just a little taken-aback, *nervous laugh*... and, you know, i just dont swing that way... sorry".

His reply - "Neither do I"

(Thu 5th Apr 2007, 19:47, More)

» Misunderstood

My worst misunderstood moment...
...was when I'd met this girl down the pub, a friend of a friend of a friend - so gorgeous, she was, i thought "damn she's fine, a bit outa my league though". Anyway to cut a long story short medium length, it turned out after meeting her a few times, that she fancied me too... WOOHOO!!!! and we had a drunken snog outside the pub (all romantic like), exchanged phone numbers etc (then probably went home and had a AHEM.. wank).

So a few days later, after a long hard day at work... and a fat spliff afterwards to relax... she phoned! My heart started beating fast, nervous yet excited, my head was doing sumersaults... We started chatting, or rather she did while I tried to get my stoned and fatigued head in gear and in the end, rather than just being as quiet as a mouse I decided to explain to her in a short n' witty comment why I was so quiet...

...unfortunately for me, the words that actually came out of my mouth were:

"..I was in a good mood 'til you phoned.."

being as i was, i completely didnt realise what i'd said and the phone call lasted about another 20 seconds.. and that was the end of that.

(Tue 11th Oct 2005, 16:25, More)
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