b3ta.com user Captain Happy
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» Ignoring Instructions

On taking a friend for his first 'proper' Ladypool Road balti, I warned him that he shouldn't touch the balti dish when they brought it out as it would be FUCKING HOT... so of course, first thing the prick did when they put it down in front of him was not just to touch it.. oh no, he had to go one better, he grabbed hold of the handles and picked it up off the table.
In the half second or so it took the pain to reach his brain he had a kind of triumphant 'yeah. right, hot you say?!' look on his face... it was rapidly replaced by a look of pain and horror, and he shrieked like a girl and dropped the searing hot bowl in a serious hurry.
Needless to say, he got no sympathy at all, and I was delighted to see that he had a lovely curved row of white blisters on thumb and forefinger of both hands, the bloody muppet.

Scarily enough, this fool went on to become a psychiatrist...
(Fri 5th May 2006, 13:40, More)

» Barred

Beaten up
After a hard day's drinking my friend Jase and I ended up in the Rose and Crown (a bit of a shit hole pub in the middle of Stratford on Avon) playing pool with a bunch of his scary 'born again' christian buddies.

Towards closing time I was trying to get a final drink, and the barman seemed to be ignoring me in favour of the (seemingly never ending) procession of gorgeous young ladies who also wanted a last drink before the bar closed. I finally got served by the little scrote, and retreated with my beer to the pool tables.

Finally the inevitable happened, and we were told we had to leave as they were closing up. Still sore from my extended wait at the bar (remember I was VERY drunk) as I walked past the bar I stuck my thumb up at the barman who served me and gave him a big grin, he responded in kind, at which point I shouted in his face "Shit bar staff!".

Ok, not the wittiest comment, but it obviously hit the spot, as the guy volted over the bar and proceeded to pummel me. I stumbled out of the pub and fell against a car whilst he punched and kicked me. I discovered later that he stopped because one of the happy clappers I had been playing pool with (a big girl) had taken off her belt and started beating him across the back with the buckle end of it!

Anyway, a couple of the scary bouncers from the pub informed me that if me or my mate ever showed our faces in there again we would get the shit kicked out of us... I took that to mean we were barred.

A number of days later the fucking police showed up at my house (god knows how they found me) because I had dented some dudes car with my head whilst I was beaing beaten up. It's good to know they are on the ball :-(

Oh.... one last thing - my mate has an identical twin brother who we forgot to mention all this to. He went into the Rose and Crown shortly after it happened and only just managed to escape without a good beating coz they wouldn't believe he wasn't his brother! Oops....
(Tue 5th Sep 2006, 9:15, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Playing with knives....
When I was given my first pen knife as a lad, my dad issued me with some stern instructions along the lines of:

1) NEVER run your finger along the blade
2) ALWAYS cut away from yourself.

Curious as to exactly how sharp the blade of the knife was, I ignored the first instruction within 24 hours of getting the knife and managed to slice open my thumb pretty nicely thankyou.

It took some years for me to ignore the second one in true style... trying to get some packing of a new dishwasher I slipped with the knife (which was clearly pointing AT me) and managed to plunge it into my forearm. It bloody hurt and it bled like a bastard... I guess Dad knew what he was talking about after all.
(Fri 5th May 2006, 14:42, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

Coach Travel....
I really have no idea why, but something about the gentle vibration of the engine and the mild boredom of travelling long distances on a coach always seems to give me a stiffy... Always embarrassing, and no doubt very inapropriate!
(Mon 6th Feb 2006, 12:18, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Now i think about it....
I was never good at taking safety advice.

When I was given a catapault my dad told me not to aim it at people... Shortly after getting the thing, one of the lads on my road (who I was never a great fan of, a whiny little shit called Wayne) showed up a couple of gardens away and proceeded to taunt me with 'You can't get me, you can't get me...etc'
This obviously pissed me off, and made me decide I was going to at least try to get him.
I let fly, and the marble sized stone arched majestically through the air and caught him good and hard mid gut. The taunting stopped abruptly, and he bent double and fell off whatever he had been standing on.
The momentary elation disapeared pretty quickly as I realised

1) I might have killed him (well.. I was young... I panicked!)
2) If I hadn't killed him, I would be well and truly fucked if he blabbed to his parents.

I hadn't killed him (sadly, in hindsight...) and he did blab - the next day I got home from school to find dad sat at the table with my catapault in front of him and a very dark look on his face. He had already cut the elastic of the catapault.... eek
(Fri 5th May 2006, 15:03, More)
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