» It was a great holiday, but...

Cub Camp Skid Mark Conspiracy
Due to depleting my bog roll stash at cub camp, I hatched an evil plan. After copious amounts of camp fire burgers and sausages I had to go for the biggest turd of my life, well of a 9 year old life anyway. Looking around the toilet that compromised of a hole in the ground there were only nettles and thorns to wipe my arse. I waddled back to the campsite and my tent which I shared with 6 other snotty cub scouts. What I proceeded to do next is pure Damian 666 stuff. I shared a tent with someone no one liked, called Johnathan. I rifled through his bag and found some white jogging bottoms. I then proceeded to wipe my arse, not on any old part of the garment but strategically on the rear area where skidmarks are commonplace. Once my undercarriage was clean I put them back in his bag.

Next morning imagine my surprise when said unlikeable lad comes out to breakfast sporting said white jogging bottoms. His backside covered in my rusty stab marks. He came bounding up to the picnic tables, stretching his arms with 'What a gorgeous morning' look on his face. Before he sat down I shouted "hey look he's shit himself". Once the hysteria had set in a gaggle of 2 dozen cub scouts chased the poor lad around and up a tree screaming 'Johnny Shitty Pants' at him where we proceeded to throw sticks and rocks at him for at least 30 minutes. It was a great holiday, but I can't believe how evil I was.
(Thu 21st Apr 2005, 14:39, More)

» Petty Sabotage

I am a Dirty Monk
While at college I used to work for a well known chemists. I'd been working there for nearly 2 years and the bastards made me redundant just before Xmas. As I was not entitled to a redundancy pay out I embezzled and skimmed there Xmas takings over a course of a couple of days to the tune of 1200 squids. On my last day I nicked a box of Viagra from the pharmacy and spent the cash on a couple of high class escorts. Much seasonal merriment ensued.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 16:54, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Living in America.
I once had the misfortune of spending my teen years in an American high school where ultimate frisbee was a team sport. Panzies. I guess that would make me the stupid tourist, or so you would think. The best thing that amazed me was the Yank inablility to detect irony and/or sarcasm. Picture the scene if you will... We had spent 6 months in a physics class constructing a radio controlled aeroplane, that meant 6 months of me burning, bending and smelling just burnt and bent perspex. Hmmm nice. The end result was a technological advance our school had never seen before despite the fact we were two mins down the road from Bill Gates old high school, Lakeside High. Imagine everyones excitement when said finished product was taken out to the sports field for it's maiden flight. The engine was started and revved up, it sort of sounded like a cross between a black and decker garden strimmer and a rabid mosquito. And it was off tearing across the sun burned, arrid grass of our field. 5,10,20,30,60 seconds passed and still the product of our sweat, blood and tears would not get airborne. All we had was this device that made the noise of a rabid mosquito and kicked up a lot dust. After 5 mins watching this piss of shit zip about erratically around our playing field in every direction, I said dryly and sarcastically as any British person could 'Take the wings off it might go faster'. This sarcasm went right over my classmates head and his response to this was 'Then it won't fly stupid'. I didn't know wheter to laugh or cry. I sort of sympathise with the two fellas who went mental at Columbine now.

Also has someone ask me what language we spoke in England. My repsonse of Japanese was taken seriously.
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 11:34, More)

» Singing the wrong words

Eastie Boys
You got to fight/ fight for your right to/ KABADI
(Thu 27th Jan 2005, 21:00, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Bumbershoot 1992
Went to Seattle in 1992. Bumbershoot being a music festival. Imagine my shock at the height of the grunge thing, when I entered the arena and over zealous grunge fans were moshing to...wait for it.....Bleedin' UB40.
(Thu 21st Apr 2005, 17:57, More)