» I hurt my rude bits

happy mothers day
last year, mothers day. whilst happily drinking the day away in the pick 'n' sundial, i received a phone call saying my baby brother had had rather a nasty knee in the bollocks whilst playing football. nothing to worry about i was told, but just be sure to keep an eye on him when he gets home as he's had a bit to drink. fair do's. 2 hours later, my bro enters the pick 'n' sundial walking like john wayne and proclaims that he needs his big sis to drive him to the hospital. ooooh, challenge. we got there, eventually, and after being examined and having an ultra-sound scan, he found out that his left bollock had shattered into 4 pieces and needed to be removed as soon as possible. obviously not that night cause he was rat arsed, which the doctor was none too happy about. after a little while chatting and him getting used to the idea, he realised we hadn't sent a mothers day card to our mum up in aberdeen. so, in a moment of complete and utter genius, kid bro takes a picture on his phone of his black swollen bollocks, and gleefully sends it to our mum under the heading 'happy mothers day'.

best moment came about 2 months after, when i forgot my cash card and had to pop home to get it. hearing screams of ''get out you stupid cow!!'' i rush through to my room, and en-route catch a glimpse of a scantily clad blonde sprawled on my brothers bed, and him rushing to shut the door. got back up the road to the pub, and most of my brothers team-mates, and proudly declared 'its alright guys, he's still in full working order, just popped home and caught him at it with a semi naked blonde!' cue much cheering among the pub team, until a big burly fierce looking bald guy stands up and pops his head round the pillar he'd been sitting behind and bellowed 'that's my daughter you're talking about i hope it's your idea of a joke she's an angel and would never do such a thing.' pissed him off by laughing in his face and saying something along the lines of ''i'm like that every night mate, so i must be an angel too'' and as such now have official legend status in the pub due to my amazing ability to put my foot right in it without getting punched. needless to say, my brother never got to see her again and is lucky he still has the one bollock.
(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 22:53, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

what outranks a princess?
A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground"

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up bitch."

can't tell this in the pub as the landlords are a pair of poofs and wouldn' take too kindly too it!!
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 14:57, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

i am NOT supergirl......
but a cocktail of class A's and JD makes me think that i am. because of this both of my legs and my right arm are in plaster and my mum has to wipe my ass. at least next time i think its a good idea to jump off the balcony i will think twice.
oh the shame.
(Mon 19th Dec 2005, 1:16, More)