b3ta.com user Iris_Wildthyme
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Hello, I am me.

I have a peculiar sense of humour (but then, most of you lot here seem to as well). I live in sunny Surrey, down the road from the Queen, where I like to indulge in the popular sport of Chav-Murdering. Huzzah!

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Best answers to questions:

» Accidentally Erotic

During last night's CSI
Watching CSI last night, I spot a character, supposedly a famous film star, laying down with his shirt off and start to feel a bit hot and bothered.

Me - "He's certainly well put together"
Housemate - "He's a corpse!"
Me - "Shit.."
(Wed 8th Feb 2006, 9:52, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

Not really clever or witty.
I used to go to the pub quiz at my friend's local every Monday evening, and a fair-sized group of us made up our team. We used to do pretty well, but rarely won, and if we didn't know the answer to a question, our reply was always "Thora Hird".

But all that's by-the-by. My aforementioned friend had another friend who she knew from college, who she'd only struck up an acquaintance with because they used to catch the same bus. He was known as Fat Gay Chris (for obvious reasons), and every week he'd turn up to the pub, start randomly insulting us until one of us snapped and said something rude back to him. Every week, before he arrived, we'd swear between ourselves that we wouldn't rise to his bait and wouldn't be rude to him, because it wasn't fair. And then every week he'd walk in and say something horrible.

One week, he decided to pick on our lovely friend Lisa (who has since sadly passed on), and he started calling her ugly. Lisa, despite being very pretty, was always very self-conscious about her looks, and this rather upset her. We tried a few times just saying "leave it out, Chris, that's not nice" etc, but to no effect. Until one of us snapped and said "Just shut up, you fat bastard".

"I may be fat", said Chris. "But I can do something about it. She's ugly, and she can't do anything about it".

"But, Chris", I replied. "You're fat AND ugly".

That shut him up.
(Wed 30th Nov 2011, 7:11, More)

» My sex misconceptions

Riding a bike while needing a piss
Once, at the tender age of ten, I was out riding my bike around the estate and realised I needed a wee. I really needed a wee. Desperately. I was so desperate for a wee that, as I furiously cycled to try and find somewhere to relieve my bladder, I very slightly wet myself. I was horrified to discover when returning from the bush I had found that a girl I knew was now riding about on my bike.

"What if some of my wee on the saddle goes up into her and makes her pregnant?"

For about 2 weeks after that I was terrified that I'd made this girl pregnant with my wee.

I was a very naive boy.

(Sun 28th Sep 2008, 1:48, More)

» Cross Dressing

I can run around in heels...
As a transvestite, cross dressing is sort of my job. I can think of a couple of funny things that have happened while I've been out cross dressing.

One evening I was at the late lamented Full Tilt at the Electric Ballroom in Camden. There I was in my little black dress, fishnets, heels, wig, etc., sitting next to my best friend who was chatting to someone or other. As I was sitting there, minding my own business, a little fat skinhead, aged about thirty, came and sat next to me and started dribbling in my ear about the music. I didn't think anything of it until I realised that he was touching my knee an awful lot and it suddenly occurred to me "Shit. He thinks I'm a real girl!" Although I'm bisexual I didn't think he was (and he was a bit ugly), so I had to think of a way out of it without getting my face punched in. I jabbed my best friend in the side a couple of times until she eventually looked round and saw my predicament. She leaned over and asked me if I wanted to get a drink with her, so I nodded desperately and we ran to the bar.

He followed us. I didn't realise that he had until I was stood at the bar and I felt him pressing up against my back. I looked towards my friend with total fear, she realised what was going on and put her arms round me and said "Excuse me, do you mind leaving my girlfriend alone?". The skinhead pulled a face of "Ugh! Lesbians" and ran away. Hurrah.

Another time at Full Tilt, I got a phonecall, so ducked into the toilets and into a cubicle to take the call. The guys in the toilet were a bit surprised when I said "Okay, bye" in my fairly male sounding voice then emerged from the cubicle as a female.
(Tue 20th Mar 2007, 12:46, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

First year at uni
Okay, so I lost it even later...

It was the first term and I'd been hanging out in the common room of our halls with a bunch of folks for several weeks, one of whom was this slightly odd but fairly fit looking girl. We seemed to get on really well and late one night she asked me back to her room. I was already in my jim-jams (aww, bless), so I put on my dressing gown and wandered up to her room on the top floor where things proceeded to get incredibly tactile and VERY interesting.

She should never have left the telly on.

There was some crappy drama on that we weren't really paying attention to, when all of a sudden I heard a familiar voice. A girl who I'd been at college with and who'd gone on to be an actress (she can currently be seen playing Naughty Rachel in Green Wing) wandered across the screen. I jumped up (massive hard on not withstanding), pointed at the screen and proclaimed "I know her!".

The girl I was with said that was very nice, "anyway, I'd better go to bed now. I'll see you tomorrow" and I was ejected from the room. Fuck.

It turned out later that this rather dippy seeming nice girl was in fact completely nuts and something of a slapper, so I escaped alright, I suppose.

Didn't lose it for another 5 1/2 years though (yeah, I know, tragic)
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 13:56, More)
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