» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

drugs make you creative
once i showed another man my cock.
'put that away' he said.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 14:50, More)

» Heckles

neighbours
they offer tours to punters round ramsay st led my members of the cast, and the story goes that one day Harold Bishop was taking the tour. at the end he asked if anyone had any questions.

Some bloke replies 'Yeah, Harold, why are you such a fat cunt?'

Harold, quick as a flash, replies, 'because every time i fuck your mum she gives me a biscuit.'

I want it to be true, maybe it is.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 13:42, More)

» Fire!

fiery grandma
my grandma, god rest her soul, wasn't so keen on the old gits home for the senile that my parents had to put her in after she put an electric kettle on the hob whilst babysitting me and my little sister.

so once in the home, her anarchic antics included slinging a cup of wee at Douglas Hurd on an official visit, playing dead in her bed every morning for a fortnight, only to then sit bolt upright with a deafening scream when the nurse tapped her on the shoulder to see if she was alive, and telling my parents that she was raped 120 times in one week by the care manager (who was plainly gay when you met him).

But the best had to be her deft use of various cosmetics, blanket and chairleg to create a torch that lit her path as she ran through the home at four am one winter's morning. security were forced to let her out lest she burned the place down, and before the police could get hold of her she'd made it down to the beachfront (home was in Swanage) and thrown it through the window of a games arcade.

there was no need to ask granny why she'd thrown the torch into the gambling mecca, for she was quick to provide a justification.

'don't like them places'. and that was all she'd say on the matter.

made the papers and everything.
(Fri 4th Nov 2005, 14:16, More)

» Failed

dismal dismal failure
i am a failure, and i often fail to recognise this. but when i think about it I realise that the biggest thing i've failed at so far is life. i'll start anywhere, as i've already failed at identifying where it all went wrong.
I failed to notice that my foreskin was attached to my bell end until i started masturbating aged 11 and a bit of it came away from the head making me think i had i hole in my penis. I went to the doctor, failing to get there on time, and then he pulled the rest away leaving me with a normal penis. I failed to resist crying from the pain. I failed to thank him, and when i got home i once again failed to ejaculate for the first time. I was in the bath at the time, failing to realise that 'stroking' your penis really meant tugging the hell out of it, and when after much stroking i thought the moment had come, a long stream of piss jetted upwards and onto my neck, i failed to find this funny.

when i eventually managed to ejaculate some time later on that year, i failed to realise it was sperm, assuming from all the diagrams that it would be black, and so went downstairs, probably stumbling a bit as i often failed at moving myself around successfully, and asked my dad if what had just come out of me was the right stuff. he failed to keep a straight face and told me yes it was sperm and to stop playing with myself. I failed to stop playing with myself. years on, at 28, i fail to stop playing with myself every morning of my life (which i'm failing at), which means i always fail to get out of bed on time, even though i've failed at having a time to get out of bed by, for i have failed to find a new job since failing at my last job, which involved packing pig livers in an abbatoir. They sacked me because i was a 'useless waste of space'.

another failure - I failed to notice that my grandmother had a cock until I lifted up her dress at the viewing before her funeral. I failed to bother telling anyone this until now, so here, today, I have perhaps succeeded at this. Perhaps this will give me enough hope that I won't attempt suicide today, which I probably would have failed to get aronud to anyway. Even if I did, i'd fail, so I suppose I won't ever bother. Shit, another success: failing to fail at failing suicide.

today feels like a minor triumph over many years of hell. thanks b3ta.

The only thing i haven't failed at yet is suicide
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 14:14, More)

» Birthdays

every year
on my birthday night i dress up as a ninja and run along the rooftops of london with silent precision in the hope of meeting other ninjas to fight to the death.

then i nip home, get changed and meet my friends for last orders somewhere in hackney.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 16:51, More)